Today's rambling: Save me!
Written on Sunday, Oct. 31, 2004 at 10:00 p.m.
while feeling a bit

So at my fraternity meeting tonight, I was part of a group that got yelled at because we didn't go to anything last week. And it's not like she was just yelling at us for no reason; as Exec Board members, we SHOULD be going to as much as possible and setting an example for the new members. But she mentioned my response to another brother's message board post, and that just really rankled. Steph had written a post saying that she hadn't been able to come to the Awards and Scholarships committee meeting because she'd had a complete breakdown, so she asked Lisa to take the 5 points away (we get 5 points deducted if we miss our committee meetings). I'd replied and said NOT to take them away, because I know all too well what it's like to just have a complete breakdown like that. I had one just a few weekends ago, and I didn't go to our business meeting that Sunday (a deduction of 10 points).

Anyway, Heather brought that up because of the fact that I said not to take away the points, when she said they SHOULD be. Because SHE went to Battle of the Bands and stayed there even though she had a little breakdown of her own. Now on the one hand, I would never ask to be excused for missing a meeting. But on the other hand, I will NEVER condemn a person (as long as they're telling the truth) for missing something as trivial as some fraternity thing because of emotional reasons. Our mental health is WAY more important than going to socials and committee meetings and all sorts of stuff that won't matter one iota once we've graduated. She kept talking about how we need to put the other people in the fraternity before ourselves, and maybe she only meant that in terms of the people who've used petty excuses like "My favorite show is on" or whatever. But I was really offended by that, because how the hell are we expected to help other people when we can't even help ourselves? I know Steph has been under a lot of strain lately; one of her grandparents isn't doing so well, and they don't know how much time is left. Her grandparents have pretty much been her parents, so she hasn't been the most cheerful person lately.

What Heather doesn't realize is that people all handle stress differently. It's not fair for her to judge what we're capable of purely based on what SHE'S capable of. She's able to go on with things even when she's completely overwhelmed by problems. That's great. I wish I was like that, to be honest. But when I get stressed and upset, I completely shut down. I don't go out, I don't talk to people...basically, I just sit in my room and cry. And that's not healthy, I know. I need to force myself to go out when I'm feeling like that. But I don't. It's just not how I handle stress. And as I said, it's not fair for her to think that's how we all should be. If she were to call me up one day and say she wasn't going to be able to go to an initiate activity because she'd had a complete breakdown, I would understand. I would also panic, because she's the Initiate Advisor and I certainly wouldn't know how to handle things! But I would still understand completely, and I would help her out in any way I could.

I know she wasn't trying to suggest that we shouldn't take care of ourselves, and I DO understand why she's so upset. I feel bad that I haven't been to very much this semester...but I also didn't realize that all this shit was going to be happening to me last year when I ran for Historian. If I had...well, I'd be selling my psychic services on TV for money, that's what I'd be doing. At this point, the only things I WON'T do for money are sell myself or sell drugs. But considering that after this cell phone bill, I'll only have about $10 in my account...The 'selling drugs' option isn't looking quite so bad. I'm not even joking here; I am in serious difficulties, and I don't really know a way out of them. So the LAST thing I need is for someone to tell me that I should be putting everyone else before me, because unless they're going to pay me for helping them, I just don't feel the motivation.