Today's rambling: What was I thinking?
Written on Saturday, Oct. 15, 2005 at 4:17 p.m.
while feeling a bit

I came home from work this afternoon and found Jess on the "community computer" looking through the script for the Vagina Monologues. Sitting in my room, I heard her recite one of them aloud, and I got this sick feeling in my stomach.

See, yesterday--despite my better judgment--I bit the bullet and signed up for auditions. I haven't told ANYBODY except Kevin and Amanda, though. In fact, I hadn't really intended to tell anyone online, either, until after it was over. I guess it lessens that feeling of failure if nobody knows, because it's not like you have a whole flock of people rushing up to you exclaiming "Oh my gosh, how did you do, did you get it??" So that's why I'm over here at D-land again, because only my closer friends know about this diary.

I'm just terrified now that I've gone ahead and done it. What was I thinking?? I'm no actor! Sure, I've always dreamed of doing something like this, and I used to sign up to audition for musicals in high school, but then I never showed up. I sound so flat to my ears, so uninteresting and unnatural. The nice thing about this particular production is that you don't have to be all blonde and willowy to be cast, like you would in an actual theatre production. But you do still have to act...and in front of lots of people, at that!

It was suggested to me before that I should read one of the monologues in front of my roommates, since two of them are theatre majors and one (Jess) has been in a couple of productions. Thing is, I'm much more comfortable speaking in front of people I don't know. Not only that, but I don't like showing my newbie skills in front of people who are skilled in that particular arena. Sounds retarded, doesn't it? How am I supposed to learn things if I don't let the more knowledgeable teach me? I guess if I were to find someone I felt comfortable around, I could do it...I'm just so scared of making myself look like an idiot in front of someone who already knows how to do the things I'm trying. And theatre majors are catty. Someone from the psychology department actually wanted to study theatre majors as a subculture. o_O The more I live with these guys and hear stories about the department, the gladder I am that I was never inclined to become a theatre major.

The girl running the Vagina Monologues this year is someone who was in my Women's Studies class last year, so technically I know her...but she's still enough of a stranger that I can't really anticipate what her thoughts and expectations will be. But listening to Jess made me realize that this IS something of a futile effort. My voice doesn't even sound nice; it's too soft and...foggy, if that makes sense. Jess has a very clear, sharp sort of voice. It's the kind that can be projected easily, and that will make it easily to the back of a room. My voice cracks whenever I try to up the volume.

Anyway, I guess that's another reason why I posed this here: I didn't want to go airing all my whiny insecurities to everyone who's left. XP The reason I signed up in the first place was to prove to myself that I could go that far, at least...and if I somehow managed to get into the show itself, that would just be the topper to my triumph.