Today's rambling: Bewilderment
Written on Saturday, Oct. 16, 2004 at 2:10 a.m.
while feeling a bit

I went over to Lisa and Maryam's apartment tonight, because we were going to have a "Girls' Night" sort of deal. We had drinks (well, Maryam had virgin stuff 'cause she got two of her teeth pulled and wasn't up for alcohol, hehe), watched movies, and dyed Courtney and Maryam's hair. LOL

I left around 10 to walk Kristen home...Well, my original plan had been to just leave at 10, because you know me; I'm such a homebody that staying away for extended periods literally makes me anxious. However, I was actually having a good time, so I walked Kristen home, then came back. Kristen was trying to make me just go back without walking her home, because we live a pretty good distance from their place, but a)I need the exercise anyway, and b)I promised her I'd do it, especially since if I hadn't, she would have driven over. I don't mind walking home at night myself, but I worry about her because she's such a little pansy. *laughs* Not that I'm big and brave or anything, but generally I fare better at walking home because I enjoy all the nature stuff.

ANYway, when I came back, Jackie and Carley had arrived. I was wearing a shirt I got at Lane Bryant this summer, which I've only worn once before. And I don't even know how to describe it. It's pink, and sorta longish, but the collar is really wide (my bra straps keep showing, heh) and it's got a pink ribbon on one side that I have to tie into a bow. Like a sailor sort of style, I guess...? I don't know fashion. But when Jackie saw it, after I took my coat off, she was like, "That's a really cute shirt!" Then, "You always dress so stylishly."

"Yeah, right!" I replied, laughing. But she started talking about the shirts I'd worn when we went to Pittsburgh back in February, and how they were all so cute, and I had these cute belts (actually, I own no belts, but my favorite pair of pants has this leather fringe thing at the waist that ties like a belt, so it fools people). "And I was just wearing...this," she finished, gesturing to the yellow Clarion sweatshirt she wore. There was a sort of wistful tone to her voice, and as I set my coat and purse down, I thought, "Wow, I wonder if there are actually people who are envious of what I wear..." And it made me feel a little strange!

I don't have great amounts of self-esteem. I just don't. I don't tend to pay attention to what's in fashion, and I certainly wouldn't wear something just BECAUSE it's the fashion. I buy what I think's cute, but I'm so conscious of how things look on me because I feel as though I'm so ugly, and I need things to fix me up. I'm not saying this in an attempt to fish for compliments, or to make people feel bad for me; that's just the way I am. In a way, I guess that's the way ALL people are (otherwise, why would we worry about looking nice at all?), but for me it's just magnified. However, even though on some days I'll think, "Hey, I actually look cute today!" for the most part I'm kinda like Mia in 'Princess Diaries': "As usual, this is as good as it's gonna get." I guess my point is that I've never thought of myself as being anything near what people would call "stylish." So my reaction to what she said was a mixture of pleasure over being complimented, and bewilderment.

I think Jackie is such a dollbaby. She's one of those girls who was cute as a button as a kid (I saw younger pictures of her), and she's still cute now. She's very down to earth, tends to wear very casual clothes, and has a matter-of-factness about her (which admittedly intimidates me sometimes, because I'm never sure when she'll take a joke and when she'll just kinda look at me), but she's got such a good heart and is always so nice to everyone. She's the one that looked after my drunk ass when we went to that Interchapter thing in Pittsburgh, and set her alarm to wake her up every hour so she could check on me. She's the sober one at all the PSP parties, because she doesn't drink...and she doesn't lord it over anybody that she's all clean and sober. She's just an overall good person.

At any rate, tonight was a good time. I don't think I've ever really had a "Girls' Night" like that before, where there's a big group of us all together. It wasn't like a sleepover or anything, where we do each other's nails (LOL), but it was fun.

In other news, I think I have an almost-crush on this kid in my French class. No, it's nothing big, and I hardly know the guy, but he's been in every one of my French classes since I started freshman year. He's ridiculously intelligent, and not very modest...but it's not the 'rub it in your face' sort of arrogance, it's just...confidence, I guess. He knows he's smart, but he's not going to hold that fact over anybody. And he's got the most gorgeous blue eyes. His hair is dark, but those eyes are awesome. Anyway, for all I know he's a total ass outside of class, and it's not like we really talk (other than today before class, when he randomly jumped up to the seat next to me, looked at my assignment, and said, "Let's compare notes!")...it's just a passing thing that I felt like mentioning.

I skipped on Wednesday, which I need to STOP doing because skipping a day means getting seriously behind in this class. We were learning the difference between the 'u' sound (as in 'tu', 'Russe', 'vu', etc.), and the ou sound (as in 'rousse', yadda yadda). THAT took me awhile to get, and I'm still not sure I completely have it, but I've been randomly saying "Une Russe rousse" over and over today because that was the dialogue Katie and I had to recite. Basically, the 'u' sound is like saying a long 'e' but with rounded lips. Go ahead, try it. I know you're doing it right now. Stick the tip of your tongue against your lower incisors, round your lips, and say "oo"...and it SHOULD come out that way. LOL I like that sound, so I keep saying it.

The dishes are taking over the sink out in the kitchen, and even though Kristen did like half of them last time, I still wish she would've taken on some of these. I do them like 9 times out of 10, and granted, she doesn't know HOW to do it, really, but I'd be content to have to look at my dishware before putting anything on it, if it meant I didn't have to go out there and do this big ass pile of dishes! And she totally broke my vacuum, too. She vacuumed two weekends ago, when her parents came up for a night, and it sucked up the edge of this carpet that Jim stuck in the kitchen. Well, that edge kept unraveling, and she didn't have the sense to shut the vacuum off, so there was this burning rubber smell...and I think the belt broke. Or something, because there is no suction down there and the brush thingy isn't turning anymore. I'm highly peeved. If I can ever find a way to get the thing open, and the belt IS broken, she's chipping in. No question about that.

I got my absentee ballot today. It was so exciting! Now I just need to decide who to vote for. I voted Arlen Specter last time for Senate (or is it House? I think it's Senate), because I was taught in high school that he's a liberal Republican...but now I keep seeing all this negative campaigning against him, and it makes me wonder. Well, maybe I'll vote for him anyway.

Okay, this entry is 5 pages long by now, probably, so I'm going to shut up and go do those dishes. By the by...has anyone read Janet Evanovich before? She writes the Stephanie Plum novels. SO good. I would so love to hop in bed with Joe Morelli...*blisses*