Today's rambling: It all revolves around money.
Written on Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2004 at 4:28 p.m.
while feeling a bit

I feel like I've been such a lot of whine lately. Not here, really, since I'm hardly around anymore, but in real life and over at LJ. I don't really MEAN to sound like I'm whining...I'm just in such a crap place right now that I can't seem to put my usual spin on things.

I'm supposed to register for classes on Friday. However, I found out last week that there's a hold on my account, because my father is overdue on paying my tuition. He owes about $597 right now. For those of you who don't have my LiveJournal name, my problems lately have been that I have no money. Like, none. And neither does my mother. So at this point, I'm not sure that I'll be able to come back to college next year. I might have to take off a semester (or even the entire year) to work and save money again. Hell, I'm worried I might not even be able to stay out the rest of THIS year, for that matter. My credit isn't all that terrific right now, so loans aren't even in the picture...it's all just a mess.

Today, I tried calling the Billing/Accounts office to see if I could give them my father's address and have them send the bill up there...and then possibly remove the hold on my account. I would have preferred email, because I can say things so much better that way (actually, because I'd be able to say EVERYTHING all at once, and wouldn't have to worry about their response until after they'd read all I had to say), but they don't have an email address. So I had to call. The woman tersely informed me that "This is between you and him, not us. We don't get involved in that stuff." Uh...well, if you want the money, you will.

But no. Instead, I had to call up my mother, and she's going to FedEx a check to me tonight so I get it sometime tomorrow morning. This woman just sold our freakin' WASHER AND DRYER to someone for $350, and then I don't know where she got the rest of the money. I feel like crying again just typing this out. She assured me she was going to get it back, because she's calling up her lawyer again...but the point is, I feel terrible that she has to do any of this in the first place. That piece of shit up in New Hampshire should be the one dealing with this, since it was part of the divorce settlement. But no. He's not, and you wanna know why? Because I had the audacity to talk back to him. I know that's why he's doing this. He's just a petty, immature little child. He talks to me about growing up and getting mature, and yeah, I know I'm definitely not as mature as I should be. If I was, I'd be better able to deal with responsibility instead of shrinking away from it in fear. But this passive-aggressive behavior is even worse than anything I'D do, and I'm Queen of the Passive-Aggressiveness.

I'm so upset over all of this. I've never wished death on anyone before, and I still don't wish death on him...but he's pushing me pretty damn close to it. I keep thinking that if he was gone, we wouldn't have these problems anymore. My real Dad died years ago. I don't know who this man is, but I don't need him around anymore. And I realize how callous such a statement is, and later I'll probably regret saying it, but I'm so ANGRY!

I just realized the other day that I'm getting this degree so I can get a good job, and yet I don't want a job with a lot of responsibility. I want a job where all the work is done THERE, and I don't have to worry about it at all at home. I'm sure the only job that fits such a requirement are basic menial jobs like grocery stores, fast food joints, etc. I really need to get over this laziness. Maybe if I found a job that I really enjoyed, then I wouldn't mind having to bring things home. But my problem is that once I get home, I go into instant relax mode. Even back in like second grade, my teachers were saying that I was a good student except for the fact that I never did my homework. If I could stay at school for hours after it was over, I'd have gotten my homework done...just as if I took all my homework now to the library or some other business-oriented atmosphere, I'd get it done. But home has never been a place of work for me. Home has been my retreat, my personal relaxation space. If I get a job that requires after-hours work, I'm going to end up being one of those workaholics that stays in the office 'til all hours of the night because I know that once I exit the doors, my work will never be touched.

That can't be a good thing. But there it is anyway.