Today's rambling: Good deeds are...good!
Written on Tuesday, Sept. 14, 2004 at 7:32 p.m.
while feeling a bit

I did a good deed today. LOL...Well, I guess it was, anyway.

There's a Catholic school right near my apartment, and every afternoon around 1:30 when I leave for class, all the young'uns are out in the back parking lot playing. The ones by the sidewalk I use are always playing kickball. Anyway, today I was walking, trying to tell myself they've probably seen girls in camisoles before and so I'm really NOT looking like a slut to them (lol)...and I see a small soccer ball go bouncing across the sidewalk and across the street.

None of them dashed out after it, but despite the fact that Liberty Street is a generally quiet, one-way street, I wasn't about to let any of them decide to cross. There are enough idiotic college drivers around here that one of them would come speeding up the road and not be able to stop. So while a few of the kids started to congregate at the sidewalk and watch their ball as it rolled down behind a few cars, I called out, "I'll get your ball!" and hastened across the street after it.

I got a little warm and fuzzy when I heard one kid say "That's a nice lady!" hehe :P I grabbed the ball, then walked back up to them and handed it over to one of the girls. And I felt very good afterward.

I am a generally nice person, and I like to do good things for people. But there's still this little dark ball inside of me that almost needs to feel angry and stubborn. I don't actually enjoy being angry, in the sense that it causes me no stress. It definitely distresses me to be like that! But at the same time, the thought of always being good and forgiving just doesn't mesh with my personality. And it's that dark little ball that makes me feel as though I'm not a wholly good person. I feel at times as though that makes me somehow less worthy than others, who I always see as generous and forgiving.

But anyway, this isn't supposed to be some kind of psychoanalytical post, and I'm not sitting over here feeling down. It's just the first time I've actually been able to find a way to express myself like that. I never know how to articulate that sort of feeling, but this was a perfect example!

I guess if I didn't feel so good doing good things for people, that's when I'd have to start questioning my self-worth. :P Until then, I'm not such a bad person, right? ;)