Today's rambling: Good Times, Bad Times
Written on Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004 at 4:01 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Ho-lee CRAP. Friday was about the worst day of my life. Actually, I think it WAS the worst day. In a nutshell, I was too freakin' lazy to get out of bed that morning, so Mom went to the bank without me and got the loan so I can pay for my apartment. Because of this (and all the other bills she has to pay...not mine, but bills nonetheless), she has to move out of THIS apartment within 30 days, because she can't afford it all anymore. Of course, she became upset and angry, and was throwing things around before finally leaving.

Anyway, I don't wanna rehash all that here. And because I'm not explaining it all again, the next bits probably won't make any sense. But I felt like the most worthless creature in existence, and for the first time in my life I seriously contemplated just ending it. I know that sounds like the most melodramatic crap ever, but thank goodness I'm too strong to do something that weak. I'm still feeling not-so-very-worthy, but I'm getting over it slowly as the excitement of going back to college keeps creeping over me.

None of that was a plea for compliments, either. I know my friends love me, and I know at least some of you would probably defend me 'til you were blue in the face. ;) I don't know what it is about me...I just feel like there's this darkness about me, something that doesn't get expressed through all the cheerfulness I tend to exude online. I'm a VERY moody person, so much so that my grandparents once asked my parents if I was on drugs or something. I like to think I've gotten past THOSE swift moodswings, hehe...but still, when I sink down into something, I hit the bottom. Gray areas aren't a common thing with me; it's always one extreme or the other.

So...yeah. I hope I haven't worried anyone, lol! I stayed offline for the past two days, and Mom and I are okay, and today we went out looking for college stuff. The sun is shining, my dear--DIRTY--pigeon is finally cooing (he was too young to when we first rescued him), and I feel pretty good again. Fat as hell, but that's nothing a few weeks of running around Clarion won't cure.

And in even BETTER news--Tiff will hopefully understand my awe about this--I actually found a pair of jeans today. Granted, I had to go through like 4 or 5 other pairs before I found one, but this pair is actually not THAT stretchy! F-ing Lane Bryant though, I tell you what. We had sales associates practically latching onto our legs, they were so eager to help us. And I'm sorry, when I'm shopping, I don't WANT people tagging after me and trying to offer me this that and the cashbox too. I'll ASK for help when I want it, and I don't care if you're all fighting for commission; I'll leave the damn store if I get plagued like that again. I'm not kidding you when I say that at least 3 or 4 of the 5 saleswomen in there were bothering us. I ended up buying over $350 worth of stuff there...and you know the sad part? It wasn't even that much. A pair of jeans, two camisoles, a green shawl thing, two pairs of pajama pants, a pajama top, a pink blouse...and Mom got a little skirt thing. The jeans were like $49.00, and considering the crap quality of Venizia's denim, they definitely shouldn't have been so much. Thankfully, we had a $50 gift check, $5 off the jeans, and 15% off for opening up a charge account. Even so, it came down to $246 (I think)...but I guess $100 is better than nothing.

I'm hoping to get out tomorrow and use my $50 gift card to buy some T-shirts from American Eagle. Then I should be okay as far as clothing goes.

*sighs* Despite all the crap I'm inevitably going to have to endure this year, I'm really looking forward to it. I keep imagining when the Phi Sigma Pi initiates get to come over to my apartment as part of their initiation activities...if the weather's cold enough, I'll offer 'em hot chocolate, and they can sit in our cozy living room...I'll feel like such a cute little hostess! ^_^