Today's rambling: :-\
Written on Monday, Jun. 28, 2004 at 12:42 a.m.
while feeling a bit

Recently, I've started to get interested again in Wicca. I suppose part of the reason is watching all those episodes of "Charmed"...but I know full well that Wicca has nothing to do with the stuff you see on that show, lol! I'd begun studying it a little bit when I was in 10th/11th grade, and was really interested in it back then as well. Not having anyone around who was also interested (or practiced), however, kinda sucked so I finally just stopped.

Anyway, on another subject...Mom came home all upset again tonight, and at first I didn't pursue it because I hate it when she comes home in these moods. She always starts crying, which sets ME off, and generally just keeps me depressed and worried for the rest of the night. I know that's completely selfish of me, and I shouldn't be like that, but it's hard for me to deal with that. I guess maybe it's because I keep thinking that she's the mother, and she's supposed to be the strong one. But she's also human, and she's going through a really rough period in her life.

She kept saying that she was hurting, that she wants Dad back but knows he'll never come back. I don't know how to respond to it. I can't imagine what it would be like to love someone so much that being separated is like having part of you die. For my part, I'm so full of anger toward him that I only find myself hurting at weak, vulnerable moments...which thankfully don't happen very often. At one point, Mom was just sobbing brokenly as I hugged her, and despite my best efforts to stay calm, of course I started crying too.

"I wanted to get you a car for your birthday," she said weakly. "I wanted to have a red ribbon on top of it and have it waiting outside when you came home." She feels guilty somehow that Kathy and Amy (who are 16 and 17) both already have cars, and I still don't.

Holy crow, having a car is the least of my worries, and I told her quite firmly that that is not important AT ALL. Sure, it would be nice to have one...but that's simply a luxury. There are more important things in life than having everything you've ever wanted. While at home, I'm able to use her car when she comes home at work...and once I get to college, I'm sure Kristen will drive me somewhere if I need to go. It might be an inconvenience, but it's not like I'm going to be stranded anywhere. Part of me wanted to laugh at the fact that Mom was upset over something so trivial, but at the same time I knew that was only the proverbial straw.

The woman has to work over 60 hours a week, and the store manager isn't even giving her the extra money for working on Sundays. I don't know why he's being such a jerk, but suffice it to say I would love to lodge a foot up his ass. And of course, I'm feeling guilty as hell for sitting at home all day doing absolutely nothing. I have an application sitting here so that I can work at the same store as Mom, but I don't want to work more than 3 or 4 days a week...and considering I'd have to request off while I'm in California for LOJ, and then leave in August for college...I don't know. I should just get over it and send the application in anyway. And I will...just not today. :P

I wish I could have an office job. I know I'd get ridiculously bored with it in a very short time, but at least I'd be more or less by myself and I wouldn't feel like everyone was staring at me all the time. And I wouldn't have to deal with customers. I haaaaaaaate customer service.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now. I hope Mom's better by tomorrow; I hate it when she's upset. :