Today's rambling: Oh, great. Just great.
Written on Friday, Jun. 11, 2004 at 12:50 a.m.
while feeling a bit

(As things continue to go wrong)

So I've said it before, but I'll say it again. My father is a royal dickhead. The king of them. He should be wearing a crown. And a sash.

I emailed him to ask about getting a loan from salliemae.com, since a)I can't pay for another year of tuition with Tuition Management (which goes to my credit card), and b)This would allow me to borrow extra so I could pay for my apartment (and maybe even start working toward getting a car). When I filled out the FAFSA back in May, they automatically signed me up for a Stafford loan (since I'd gotten one for the past two years). I don't know a single thing about loans, but Sallie Mae also has a Stafford loan (which is subsidized--I'm sure that's spelled wrong--and is need-based rather than credit-based). But would I be able to get a Stafford loan from them when I'm already getting one from somewhere else? Like I said, I have no idea how those things work.

The only other option was a Signature loan, which is credit-based. My main credit card, which has a $7500 limit, has about $456 (or something like that) left on it. So according to Dad, that makes this credit-based loan out of the question. So, in his infinite compassion, he replies, "I guess that makes your apartment out of the question, doesn't it? Unless you're going to work a few jobs this summer." He then ends his email with: "I would stick with [Tuition Management]. Sorry to hear about your credit card level. Hopefully you will get it paid down a lot this summer by working."

DOES THE F*CKHEAD NOT LISTEN TO ME??? DID I NOT SAY THAT I HAD NOTHING LEFT ON MY CREDIT CARD???

"Oh, I hope you can get it paid down a lot this summer by working!"

Umm...Much of what's on that credit card is tuition that HE'S supposed to pay for. Yeah, there's a few hundred on there that's from my own spending, but even taking that off wouldn't make room for another whole year of tuition. The asshole is trying to weasel out of paying for my tuition, even though it was part of the divorce agreement! He's already apparently decided not to give Mom her settlement, and she can't afford lawyer fees again, and now he's going to try stopping payments on my tuition.

GOD, I hate that man!!!

I told Mom what he'd said, and of course that got her upset. I wish I'd never mentioned it. She started crying, and then all of a sudden it was like she just broke down. Diary, I have never been so terrified in my whole life. She kept saying her body can't take much more (she's working over 60 hours a week), and she's not going to last much longer, and at one point she said she wanted to see Grandma and Uncle Gary again. Oh my god, I didn't even know what to say. All I could get out was "Stop it, you're scaring me!"

We calmed down after a little while, but I know this job is sapping everything she has. And she wouldn't be in this position if my disgusting excuse for a father hadn't taken all our money. And now he keeps whining and moaning that he has no money, and he can hardly afford to pay for my tuition. Well FUCK YOU, Dad. I don't need your scraps. I wish the worst to happen to him at this point. I just want to find him and kick him in his face. Goodness knows that's what he's done to us. Cheap bastard.

I don't even know what to do. Of course I need a job, but in order to make enough money to pay off my credit card and afford next year's tuition/apartment, I'd have to work several jobs. Or prostitute myself.

A couple hours later...I feel a bit calmer now. I don't know why, because nothing really got solved, but I talked to Geoff for awhile and he always has the ability to cheer me up. I ended up crying while I was talking to him though, lol...I knew that was going to happen, too. But it just feels better to talk to someone who's outside the situation.

Anyway, that's about all I feel like talking about. I hope things look up! :-