Today's rambling: Thought bubbles
Written on Friday, May. 21, 2004 at 11:41 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Lisa's entry made me think about high school again. This fall ought to bring about my five-year reunion. God, has it been 5 years already?? It seems like just yesterday, in some ways, that I was slogging unhappily through Math class and making an idiot of myself fawning over my Journalism teacher. *laughs*

It's been long enough, though, that I can almost have fond memories of those days. Of course, the times spent with my friends were always great times. But unfortunately, the school was filled with so many self-important assholes that I was never able to completely enjoy myself. In fact, looking at who I am now and comparing it with who I was then, I almost feel like a totally different person. Yeah, I'm still suffering from way too many insecurities, but I used to practically curl in on myself in high school. I felt like I was constantly on alert, wondering when someone was going to turn to me and start making fun of me.

I used to wear big, baggy clothes almost as some kind of attempt to hide myself from people. I'd spiraled down so far that I didn't even bother going out to buy clothes for myself. I'd wear the same outfit twice a week just because it was comfortable and made me feel secure. The day I graduated, I cried and was depressed all the next day, but mostly because I was going to miss the few good people I'd managed to meet.

Now, I'm faced with the idea of seeing all those people again, both the people who kept me sane and the people who made high school a living hell. Do I really want to do that to myself? Part of me says yes. I've come so far, realized I can be just as pretty and stylish as all those stupid girls who thought they were the top of the food chain. I don't have anything to fear from those people. But at the same time, I also know I'm still behind all of them. I started college almost 4 years after graduating high school, the same year that most of my classmates were due to graduate from college. By the time I've graduated, who knows what they'll all be doing.

Then I remind myself that that's my insecure high school self talking, and I shouldn't give a damn what they're all doing. As long as I'm happy where I am, that's all that matters.

Now, if at our 10-year reunion I still haven't even found a boyfriend to show off, then I'll get depressed. ;)