Today's rambling: Riddle me this, Batman...
Written on Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004 at 10:32 p.m.
while feeling a bit

I broached this topic in my AIM profile already, heh, but I feel like posting it here as well. Why is it that with some people, you automatically feel as if you belong, and then with other groups of people, you could be with them for months and still feel like an outsider? And it's not as if you really act any differently around either group...though maybe the second group is a little more intimidating...

Well anyway, I'm basically just comparing the Phi Sig Pi folks to the TV folks, hehe...With the former group, I felt like I belonged pretty much from the beginning. Yeah, there was that initial "getting to know you" stage, but now I could see any of them on campus and give a cheerful hello...and not feel as if they're going to look at me strangely in return. I've known them for a few weeks less than the folks at the TV station, and yet I still feel like I don't really belong with the TV crew.

Jamie, who I consider my friend even though she's not a close one, is so unpredictable that I don't feel I'll ever think of her as more than an elaborate acquaintance. There are times when I feel like we're getting along swimmingly, and then suddenly I'll feel almost as though I've said something wrong. She gives me these looks, and then suddenly she seems kind of distant in her mannerisms. She's a much more...party-ish?...person than I am, and she and Mel are always hanging out and doing things. I kind of wish I hadn't gotten Temporal Media with them, because whenever we have to partner up, they automatically pair up and don't even look back at me or anything like that. If I was able to switch and get into Jess's Temporal class, I'd totally do it. But unfortunately, I don't have time in my schedule for it.

Tom, the quiet boy that was Camera 1 last semester, will never actually be a friend but I love him to pieces. He's shyer than me, and he's not really attractive (to me) or anything like that, but he's just a really lovely person. I like joking around with him, even though he doesn't do anything more than grin and laugh quietly to whatever I've said. You can tell he's got more intelligence than most of the folks taking up space in that station.

And then there's Kyle, who's attractive as all get-out and friendly enough as well, but more so with all the tittering girls. I think I'm literally the only brunette working in that station, and I'm sorry to be stereotypical, but these girls are what give blondes the ditzy reputation. I'd like to be able to say that they're okay on their own, but I have yet to see any of them be genuinely nice to me. And I do try, in my own awkward way. I will be honest with you, Diary; those girls intimidate me. I don't know what it would be like to have that kind of confidence, that ability to just be crazy and not worry about whether other people think they're stupid. I know I shouldn't be intimidated, because they're just humans (and again, there really isn't much upstairs...you'd know what I mean if you ever saw them). Yet I do. When they're around guys, they just annoy the crap out of me because they're all out to impress, and basically they 'impress' by giggling and twittering like birds. Add in some squealing here and there, and you've got a recipe for Instant Berry Anger. But I was supposed to be talking about Kyle in this paragraph, and so I shall. But in a new paragraph now.

The features I like most about Kyle are his eyes (which are a brilliant, lovely blue) and his hair. I could go on about his hair forever. Most of the time now, he wears this silly knit hat thing that covers up all of his hair, but every so often (like tonight) he's hatless and I looooove looking at that hair. I just want to play with it, LOL! It's curly, but not overly so. They're kind of messy curls, I guess, but they're the sort you'd just want to run your fingers through. I'm probably so fascinated with hair because I have so little of my own. : At any rate, I think he's a cutie. It's a shame his personality is so clashing from mine, because I might have fun with him. ;) Actually, I think he just likes having sex with girls. But that's just a rumor at this point, so I probably shouldn't put any credence to it. I don't know, I'm actually kind of confused about him. In most respects, he just seems like one of those typical "hot guy who only cares about hot girls and other dumb stuff" guys (hehe...I know, my descriptions are spectacular). But in other respects, he kind of reminds me of me. He definitely knows his stuff when it comes to the technical aspects of the station, and he can run any of the equipment there...but the past couple of days when he's tried to explain it to us, he's been really awkward (and not very good) at it. Maybe most people are like that, but it's definitely true for me. I remember last semester, I was so eager to have DJ trainees come sit in with me so I could show them how to operate things. And yet when I finally did get a few, I had no idea how to show them things! So I just ended up being very awkward and quiet, just like Kyle.

Last night, I had to leave the station just as he'd finally gotten a tape to use to demonstrate editing, and he told me that he could show me some other time. I can't explain that in a way that has any point, he was just really nice--genuinely nice--and I left feeling a bit better about him than I have recently. Even tonight--for the majority of the 2 hours I was there--he was wonderful, grinning at me when I teased somebody and then teasing me later over the headset, as he might have teased one of those other girls. I started to feel like maybe I was making headway somewhere, and then by the end of the night I was back to feeling like some kind of unknown. It was rather disheartening.

It's not that I want to be the most popular person in the world. I'm not after popularity, really, I'm just after belonging. I wouldn't normally want to belong to such a superficial crowd, but I'm going to be working with these people for the remainder of my college career (except for Matt, who thank goodness is graduating this year, the jerk). I could have the attitude of "this is just my job, I'll come in and do the work, then leave", but I don't really want to be like that. I want to actually enjoy going down there every day, and right now I don't. I feel like the proverbial ugly duckling.

And what is it with Communication majors (the females, anyway) all being your stereotypical "model" types? It's like, you see a pretty girl on campus, and 9 times out of 10 if you ask what her major is, she'll say "Communication". Is this really such a self-centered major? The sad part is, you can tell who's going for more 'behind the scenes' aspects and who wants the 'talent' (I use that term loosely) roles, because all the behind-the-scenes folks are plainer. And yes, I definitely include myself in that.

Another thing I've noticed is how freaking young everyone looks. Paging through old issues of our campus newspaper, I was amazed by the fact that even the freshmen and sophomores back then looked like they were at least 25 or so. And this was only 1986! Every kid on this campus looks like they ought to still be in high school, which I've realized is one of the reasons why I didn't feel like I was in such a different environment when I first came here. Whenever I thought about college, I always expected to be surrounded by intelligent, adult-like people who were here for knowledge and all of that stuff. VERY idealistic, to be sure, especially considering most of these kids wouldn't be here if their parents hadn't forced them. My prior visions of college were probably more suited to the Ivy League schools, and even then I'm sure those kids aren't what I've imagined! But it's just weird how young these kids all look, when in the 80's people the same age as them look years older. Maybe it's all the fat and preservatives in our diets.

Anyway, I just needed to get all of that out. I think I might take a shower tonight instead of tomorrow, but I also want to play the SIMs a little more, hehehe...I downloaded Mulder and Scully (and Krycek!) skins from the Internet, and I'm in the process of building Mulder and Scully's house, hehe! They're just undercover, of course. I'm not a 'shipper', hehe!