Today's rambling: It had to happen
Written on Wednesday, Sept. 17, 2003 at 11:01 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Oh, man.

I was having a normal conversation with Mom, and then for some reason I felt like telling her about my Psychological Issues Regarding My Father. Actually, we'd been talking a little bit about him before that, so my story wasn't completely random...it's just that I hadn't wanted to tell her. Yet I did. And of course, she started going into how I need to email him, blah blah blah...And I told her to switch subjects because otherwise I was going to cry. Yet she just had to say ONE more thing, and by that point it was too late. I was crying.

All of a sudden, my roommate came up behind me and hugged me. She's so great. I love that girl. But I felt bad for her, too. I mean, how awkward is it to be around someone who's crying? Speaking for myself, I never really know what to do. Are they the sort that need comforting while they cry, or do they prefer to just be alone? Or maybe they're a mix of both, and so you never know whether a hug will be accepted or shrugged off. So it was probably kind of awkward for her, but she's such a sweet person that she came up and hugged me anyway.

Regarding Dad, though...I know I ought to get in touch with him. But I'm not. And I'm not writing this here because I want someone to tell me to do it--in fact, I want absolutely NO advice at all on this topic--but...eventually, I'm going to have to either talk to him or talk to someone else. Because even though I'm fine most of the time, there are just certain moments--like now, when I'm completely worn out--when I break down and want to melt into a little puddle of tears. Even now, I'm still tearing up. I wish I was by myself so I could have a good sob. Anyway, I don't know. It didn't help that at the end of the conversation, Mom was like, "You're going to start crying the moment we hang up, I can hear it," and then a minute later she went on to say something like, "My arms are around you right now." Aw man, my face just crumpled up all ugly-like again! Even just writing about it! I am definitely worn out and in need of sleep.

I need my daddy back. I really do. When Lola's parents were having problems a little while ago I got worried that her situation would end up like mine. I'm sure her father has more sense than mine, and he's probably acted more like a father to them before than mine ever has, but still. Behind the cynicism and anger I always hide behind on this subject, I'm really just a quivering little emotional wreck. And I know the only real way to get over it is to talk to him again. But I can't right now. And I won't.

There is a small, sticky splotch of dried Snapple on my monitor that I only just noticed. But there, it's gone now.

My advisor showed me how to get around Blackboard (as a teaching assistant) today, and I felt all special. ^_^ I have all the same powers there that he has, so I feel like I'm important for some reason, hehe! I can email students and get on their cases for naming their files incorrectly, even though this is the fourth week of classes, and I can prompt discussions on the discussion boards...and I'll even get to grade some stuff! Oo, and he's ordered a copy of the course book for me! Well, he had to order one for himself too, but now I'll get one...and this Writing For Media book seems to be WAY better than the one we're using in my class. So woot, that'll be fun! Tomorrow's going to be spent copying assignments over from Blackboard to a desktop folder. We'll see how it goes.

Mary Beth had me copying raw footage from something that was done over the summer. I had to use an iMac computer, and it's been YEARS since I've come near a Macintosh computer. But I got the hang of the little movie maker program fairly quickly. This footage was about Clarion University history, which was right up my alley because I was really fascinated with all that stuff last year. So when I saw old pictures of the campus back when some of the original buildings were there, I fairly quivered with excitement. It was SO weird to see some of those buildings with nothing else around them, because now there are so many buildings smooshed together! If I was ever allowed to give campus tours, I'd end up boring everyone with history facts.

Anyway, as I was walking toward the control room tonight, Kyle was coming from the opposite direction. Normally, he doesn't really do much more than say hi or whatever, but today he pointed at his sunglasses and grinned in this "Yeah, look how cool my shades are" sort of way, hehe...I forget my exact quip, but it was amusing. I even said hello to Matt, which was unusual for me! I'm just trying to be a little more outgoing and get these people to notice me. Goodness knows Matt had an expression of surprise on his face...though it was more of an "Oh, someone's there?" sort of surprise, heh...

Quiet Boy, as I call him (his real name's Tom) is just...too quiet. I always thought I was shy, but this boy takes the cake. Today when I saw him, I walked over and exclaimed, "I'm going to sit here next to you, my quiet friend!" With my luck, I've turned my Dork Magnet on and he'll start having feelings for me. I'm always so much more friendly with the quiet, 'dorky' ones, because they're so much less threatening than everyone else.

Watching Ziggy do the weather makes me wish I could try it out just once. It would be hella fun. Unfortunately, the lights are so bright and piercing that my hair makeup would be made obvious. : I really hope this dermatologist I'm seeing in November will be able to do something. I could deal with staying the weight I am if only I had thick, healthy hair. Seriously. It's that important. I'm tired of being nervous when someone decides to pat my head, because the stuff might smudge off on their hands. I'm tired of shrinking away from rain because it might cause the makeup to run into my face. And most of all, I'm tired of having to get up earlier than I need to just so that I can cover it all up. I know I technically don't need to do this, but it's so much worse than it used to be. If I was forced to go around without any sort of coverup, I would probably start crying. I hate it.

Anyway, once I get some help for that, I'll totally be trying out for an anchor or weather position. This camera thing is starting to get boring, because I don't really get to do anything. After the news, there was this DEAD BORING show about politics on, and I thought I would gnaw off my leg before I was allowed out of there. I didn't even need to be behind the camera; my shot remained on the host the entire time, with no need to zoom out or anything.

Heehee...She had two guests on her show, one from the Young Republicans and one from the Young Democrats. Without knowing who was who, I figured out that the girl was the Republican and the boy was the Democrat...and purely by using stereotypes. The girl was wearing this...not a dress suit, exactly, but something very close to it. The guy, on the other hand, was wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a pretty casual button-down shirt. He didn't look BAD, but he definitely looked more laid back. Pretty sad how I could pick them out because they fit their party stereotypes. To hear them speak, though, I would have thought him to be the Republican because he was so arrogant and 'run off at the mouth'-ish. Chris was whispering into the headset that he wanted to punch this guy in the face, lol...but I had to agree with him.

Bleh. Alright, I need to get a shower and go to bed. I didn't go to the Rec tonight, mostly because I was chatting with Mom. However, my lower legs are aching so badly that I probably needed to take a rest tonight. I tried kneeling on the ground today as I waited to go take my French test (which never happened, btw...I have to do it Friday since my stupid partner didn't show up), and the muscles in my shin area hurt SOOO badly that I had to stand up again. I won't be healed by tomorrow, obviously, but I'm not going to wait until it's all gone. They don't ache when I'm on the elliptical machine, so even if I can't run I will continue to work out in some way. I'm not going to do a repeat of last year when, every time I started a somewhat regular routine, I stopped because I got sick or hurt myself or whatever. This flabby little body is going to be put into shape!

Kevin, not realizing that maybe I'm irritated at him because he's irritating, has told Amanda that there's "something between us," or however he put it. I called Amanda back and told him that the only 'thing' between us was that I was busy all day yesterday, and he called me like 3 times (twice on my cell phone and once at home), leaving messages like some kind of obsessive freak. If he's reading this, it's his own fault, so I'm going to rant freely because it's my right. Why the hell would you leave more than one message, especially when it's about the same thing?? Don't you think I would have called him back if I'd had the time? I'm so sick of getting calls of "Do you want to go to lunch? Do you want to go to dinner?" when I've stated REPEATEDLY that I'm either working or have class during those times! How many times must it be stated before it sinks in?? And even if he doesn't have it all memorized (which isn't necessary), he should at least know that more likely than not, if I don't answer it's because I'm busy! I decided at the beginning of this year that I was going to choose school-related activities over social ones. And besides that, I don't want to hang out with him every single day. It's flattering that he wants to hang out with me so much, but honestly. I get sick of seeing people all the time. I prefer to be by myself more than I like being out with people. Of course, there are a few exceptions to this, but by and large I can only take social interaction for a little while before it becomes tedious and stressful. So I suppose I'll have to talk to him yet again, and we'll go for another short while before he conveniently forgets and I'm left in the same position. My new rules: I am busy every single day, except for the occasional Saturday (which will probably turn into my shopping day anyway, since it'll be the only day I have time to get out). How's that sound? Works for me.

'Course, Amanda, since I never ever see you anymore, if you're ever available between tennis and sorority stuff, give me a call. ;) As long as I don't have to work, I'll make time for you. Hehehe...so magnanimous of me, eh? *grins*

Aww, Mom just called to check up on me. I still wish I had the room to myself so I could cry, but it's probably just as well that I'm not. Forces me to suck it up and get back to doing things.

And now I'm going to take a shower. After I wash my numerous dishes. X_X