Today's rambling: Invisible Girl
Written on Thursday, Sept. 11, 2003 at 12:26 a.m.
while feeling a bit

You know what's kind of funny? The way I'm so invisible to people. Not people that I've befriended, thank goodness, but others. People that live in the dorm, people I work with at the radio and TV stations...I don't know what it is, but people just don't seem to realize that I exist.

On the rare occasion that Kristen or I leave our door open while we're in here, random people will pass by and exclaim over her side of the room (I guess because of the loft bed), but while they're talking to her they won't even look over at me. When passing people in the hallway, I'll give them what I always thought was a nice--if small--smile, but I never get anything in return. Yes, the girls in my hall this year are whores (pardon me for saying so), but...urgh, it just irritates me.

And then in the TV studio tonight, I was sitting on one of the sets talking to Chris. The new anchor, Neil, walked up and asked Chris a question and then stuck out his hand and introduced himself. Hadn't even looked over at me. Chris, bless his strange little heart, made a comment about me being his camera woman, and that's when Neil looked over and shook my hand as well. He's a nice guy, I just felt a little hurt, being overlooked like that.

So then just a couple of minutes later, this guy Matt (who's a veteran and a notorious ass) walked over. I wasn't sure why at first, but we all started joking about the hole in the wall of this particular set (it was Matt who had made this hole last year, by throwing a chair). Matt went along with my jokes and everything, but that was the last he even acknowledged me. After that, he sidled up beside Chris and then said, "Can you play softball?" I'd thought maybe this softball team he was trying to put together was an all-male thing, but apparently it was guys and girls. Yet even as he was saying this stuff to Chris, he never even looked over at me. I never got invited...and no, I wouldn't have accepted anyway, because I'm a lousy athlete, but it would have been nice to've been asked. Chris is every bit as new to this place as I am, and he didn't know Matt previously or anything. It was just another case of me being overlooked.

I know a lot of it is my shyness. I feel like I've made quite a bit of progression, but with the TV folks I've somewhat reverted back to my old self. I still joke over the headset and stuff, and I know the tech crew, at least, likes me...It's not so much that I want to fit in completely and conform to their superficial culture, but I'd definitely like to be able to get along with my colleagues, you know? I want to feel wanted, I guess is it. I'd like it if they invited me to parties or even just joked around with me in the studio.

LOL...Kyle did actually tease me a little tonight (I just realized that I should probably enter these guys in my Cast list soon). I was getting impatient halfway through the practice, so I asked, "Are we going to do everyone?" Of course, Chris looked at me in that "Hey now" sort of way, and over the headset Kyle joked, "Well, Amber, if you want to go for a record..."

"Is there a record for that sort of thing?" I inquired, giggling. He started to say something, but then decided that silence would be the best idea.

I'm getting discouraged too easily, I know. Step #1 is to give it some time, so that all those people can actually get to know me. Then maybe they'll be more accepting of me. But at the same time, I realize that I need to get over my awkwardness. If I want people to realize that I'm there, I'm going to actually have to say something when I'm around them, instead of just hoping that they'll notice me and draw me into their conversation. It's just that I always feel like such an ass when I open my mouth to say something, because most of the time everyone looks at me with an "Um, okay" sort of expression. I always try to use humor to make people feel more at ease around me, but I guess people just don't get my brand of humor. *sigh*

In other news, I thought I'd be able to do my internship this summer, as Amber had suggested to me last year, but I found out today that I have to wait for my junior year anyway. You have to have at least 80 credits before doing an internship, and you have to have taken Comm 320 (or gotten a waiver for it). I totally understand the reasoning, because the department doesn't want students going out unprepared, failing, and then making our university look bad. But I'd been hoping to intern for my TV station back home! Oh well, it's for the best, really. By the summer before my senior year, I'll have (hopefully) gotten a car, and I'll definitely have a lot more experience with TV stuff. So I'm not going to let myself become disappointed over that.

Man, I didn't know Warren Zevon had died! See what happens when you're deprived of the news?? I know I could just look at Yahoo or something every day, but Internet news just isn't the same for me. I prefer newspapers or the television. Internet news isn't really any different than the newspaper, but I just don't get into it as much. At any rate, the only reason that name held any significance for me was because Geoff made me look at the lyrics to "Excitable Boy" one night to see what kind of shocked reaction I'd get. I've never heard the song itself, but he said it's a pretty peppy sort of tune (a huge contrast to the lyrics, if you've never read/heard them). And then of course, there's that Werewolves of London or whatever it's called. The "aaoooo" part always gets stuck annoyingly in my head. X_X Can you imagine what it'd be like to know that you're going to die, though? Well, obviously we all know we're going to die. But to have a terminal illness like that, and know that your life'll be cut drastically short...I can't even imagine what that must be like.

Okay, I'm going to bed now. I should have been studying for Psychology (I like pronouncing it the French way: SEE-kolo-JHEE), but oh well. Considering I didn't read the chapters (which are insanely long), I don't think there's much I can do. :P Can't let myself get behind! I'll do better at keeping ahead from this point forward!