Today's rambling: TMI
Written on Friday, Aug. 22, 2003 at 12:11 a.m.
while feeling a bit

Menstruation is the devil.

You men make fun of us all the time, blaming our mood swings on PMS...but if you had to suffer through days of blood oozing from your nether region, and cramps fit to make you double over (and remember that women have a higher pain tolerance, so what makes us double over would make you weep like a wee babe)...I really believe y'all would think twice before harassing us. Menstruation is reason enough to make anyone turn into Super Bitch.

I ought to just go to the mighty gyno and get birth control to stop these beastly cramps. But I have absolutely no desire to let some stranger look at that area of my anatomy. I may have become much less prudish in recent years, but a gynecological visit still represents one of the supreme humiliations and invasions of privacy to me. I don't want to hear anyone trying to tell me it's not, because I've already got that lecture.

Has anyone besides me ever wondered why men go into that profession? I can just see them in elementary school. The teacher smiles and says, "So, Little Billy, what would you like to be when you grow up?"

"A gynecologist!"

No. Gynecology is just not one of those professions that little 5- and 6-year old boys dream of. Teen boys and young men, however....yeah, that's when the dream of gynecology enters their heads. Oh, at that point they're still young and idealistic, thinking the only vaginas they'll be seeing are those of beautiful women. It's not until much later, after they've entered the profession, that they realize old wrinkled women will also be putting their feet in the ol' stirrups. And by that point, it's too late. They've just got to take the good with the bad.

Men should not be gynecologists. They can't even understand why women have mood swings, much less understand that delicate area of the anatomy! It would be like me becoming a proctologist. I don't know the slightest thing about the male reproductive system, other than the basic 'penis-and-two-testicles' part. There're a bunch of tubes and inner organs and things that help out, but unless I'm a man I just won't get it. So, assuming I ever finally go to this infamous doctor of female bits, the doctor shall be a female. Because a female knows about female parts.

Wow, I think that was the most fun I've had ranting in a long time! I should talk about reproductive organs more often!

And now for something completely different.

A couple nights ago, just as I was about to climb into bed, I noticed that there was a rather large and ugly-looking spider clinging to the mosquito netting draped behind the headboard. It was one of the hairy sorts, only instead of having the short legs that denote one of those freaky jumping spiders, this one had rather long-ish legs. So it was not only hairy, but long-legged as well. Greeeeaaaaat. My favorite!

I was going to try and be macho enough to kill it with only a crumpled piece of paper. But as I took a step nearer, I realized that the thing was just too damn creepy for me to get that close. So I hurried out to the kitchen and grabbed my no-fail creepy-crawly killer...The Swiffer. Yes, folks, if you're like me and hate getting anywhere near insects, hide behind the safety of Swiffer. Minus that static-cling cloth you're supposed to attach to the bottom, of course. You can just smash that flat rectangle against the wall, completely confident in the fact that you're at least three feet away from the actual bug.

Unfortunately, I think I only seriously wounded this critter, rather than completely killing it. It wriggled a little bit, then dropped off the mosquito netting behind my bed. Completely freaked out, I rushed back to the kitchen and came back with Raid, prepared for all-out chemical warfare.

My room smelled very much like insect repellant that night.

I also slept halfway down on my bed that night, and even last night was spent not-so-close to the headboard. The worst part is, I kept having nightmares last night (well, this morning, heh) of spiders. In one, I went into an old-fashioned outhouse where a bunch of cobweb-covered magazines were shelved over my head. Somehow, they all slid off onto my head, and I just KNEW there were spiders nested within those old things. And sure enough, there was a spider just like the one I'd smooshed two nights previous.

Bugs are just...scary. Especially arachnids. Which makes it amusing that I would want a plant named after my arch nemesis, don't you think?

Mom brought the laptop back to Gateway yet again. This time, she brought two papers that I'd written out the other night. One, which is just a little Post-It, has the stuff that showed up when Windows XP wouldn't even load. The one message said 'check cable...blah blah failed' (Of course, I was paraphrasing there), and the other said that the operating system could not be found. The second page was a full sheet of notebook paper upon which I scribbled down the very long message that had suddenly popped up on a blue screen. It said that Windows had been shut down to protect files or some such, et cetera.

FINALLY, the light bulb seems to click for the bright folks at Gateway. "Ohhh, it must be the hard drive!" they said.

No way, do you really think so??? Oh my gosh!

Those guys really aren't the brightest torches in the castle. Maybe I should chalk it up to age, since Mom said they all looked like teenagers back there. I know they can't really be teenagers...or at least, I'd like to HOPE a credible company wouldn't hire teenagers to fix computers, but who knows. Still, maybe my computer will actually be repaired this time! It boggles the mind, I know.

Gah! I took 4 Tylenol today (not all at once), drank a glass of rum and Coke on an empty stomach, and yet my cramps are still lurking there, causing pain every so often. Two months ago, several doses of ibuprofen and a shot of vodka (again, not all at once, but within a couple hours) did not help. I was doubled over practically all day. Lest you newbies think I'm an alcoholic, I would like to point out alcohol's one true noble benefit, which is relieving cramps. Oh yes, it has worked for me. Except for that instance two months ago. But maybe that was because I very nearly upchucked that nasty vodka.

Who can actually drink that by itself? *shudders* Must have the stomach of a goat...

The rum worked for quite awhile...but now the pain is coming back again. This is just silly. I think I might rip out my uterus and just stop worrying about it. I could sell it on eBay for a few extra bucks.

Riiiiight, I think another subject change is in order!

Just as I was about to jump in the shower this evening, who should call but my pal and yours, Timothy. "Did your mom tell you what we were talking about yesterday?" he inquired.

"No."

"Hmmm, good to know," he said (or something very like that). I know he was trying to get me to beg him what they'd said. So I said to him:

"If it's anything even remotely perverted, I hope you won't be expecting a warm reaction."

Mock outrage that I would think of him as someone who only thinks of perverted things, and then he said, "I'll bring tears to your eyes."

Upon telling this story to Mom, she said, "Yeah, he might, actually."

Curiosity once again aroused! I want to know what this mysterious thing is that the boys are buying for me! Especially if it's good enough that I might actually get teary-eyed over it...

I didn't do a darned thing as far as packing goes today. I really need to get moving on that. I mean, pretty much everything is packed, but there are still quite a few loose ends that ought to be condensed into boxes. We're taking a rather large minivan, but that doesn't mean I can't be a space-saver, right? :P And since nobody's online to talk to me, I guess I'll go do that right now.