Today's rambling: Frustrated ponderings
Written on Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2003 at 12:08 a.m.
while feeling a bit

My birthday affair consisted of Mom, Geoff, and I going out to eat dinner. Then we had some drinks (I stopped after that horrible sour apple martini), went over to the bistro where they each had one more (I had too much of a sickly-sweet taste in my mouth to drink anything else), and then Geoff went home. The whole thing lasted from around 5:30 to 10-ish. Both of them have to work tomorrow, so we couldn't stay out too late.

Urgh...I'm starting to get mildly frustrated now with the fact that I rarely ever get to be alone with Geoff. It's not that I want to put any moves on him, but it's nice to just be with him, nobody else around! Not that I'm saying I wish Mom hadn't been around at all, 'cause today was my birthday and of course I wouldn't want to shun her. But I was sitting there next to Geoff at the restaurant, thinking how lovely he smelled, as usual, and how great it would probably be to just lay my head on his shoulder and feel his arm go around me.

It's all so frustrating! I mean, I'd like to think that he must have SOME sort of stronger feelings for me, if he's always so willing to drive all the way up here just for a couple of hours (or even just to pick me up and go all the way back to his place again)! It's no short drive between his place and mine; at the very least, it takes around 45 minutes. Even for friends, it's not the sort of drive I'd want to take very often. And he was willing on a couple different occasions to take me back to college, which of course is an even longer drive...so there must be something there, right? Oh, and then tonight I'd catch him looking at me and I'd turn my head to see him smiling at me...I love the way his eyes crinkle like that at the corners. And his smiles are always softer and warmer when he looks at me. I'm not the only one to have noticed this.

So, then, if there are all these apparent "signs" of him liking me, why is he so standoffish? There are some evenings where I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere, evenings that show a more playful, almost flirtatious side of him. So I get hopeful, thinking things are taking a turn for the better...and then the next time I see him he almost acts as though he's afraid to come in contact with me! Since going to college, I've never gotten the feeling that he's irritated by my presence (there used to be times where I thought I was annoying him and he didn't want me around)...It's not a matter of him being completely disinterested, but more as though he's...not afraid, really, but hesitant. Maybe even reluctant. And yeah, obviously the age thing could be a factor, but augh! We've been together long enough that I wouldn't think that would be SUCH a huge deal anymore!

I keep thinking maybe something will happen on his birthday, since so much will be happening, but if nothing's happened after all this time, it'll probably take a lot longer than one day to change anything! I halfway wonder, though, if he wouldn't be more open (so to speak) if I was the one that became the aggressor. Well, obviously that's the part I've kinda played to get our whole relationship started, but once I got to the friendship level, I kinda stopped pushing in the hope that maybe he'd take over from there. But Geoff doesn't seem to be the aggressive type. I'm not so sure that he's had much experience in relationships, period...but I'm not going to sit here and do some kind of psychoanalysis on him, hehe...

I'm insanely tired right now. My stupid desktop decided to cause a bunch of 'fatal errors' and so now if I want to get on AOL, I'm going to have to reboot the entire computer...a process which takes about 5 minutes or so. X_X So I'm half tempted to just save this entry and leave it 'til tomorrow to post. But then I know I'll forget about it, so I might as well reboot. *sighs* Stupid machinery.

(In better news, my "You Can Make It" video was shipped by Amazon today...so I should be getting it in a few days! Yay!)