Today's rambling: Tangents
Written on Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2003 at 8:12 p.m.
while feeling a bit

She's one of those girls who seems to come in the Spring
One look in her eyes and you forget everything
You had ready to say
And I saw her today, yeah...

A younger girl keeps a-rollin' 'cross my mind
No matter how much I try, I can't seem to leave her memory behind
I remember her eyes, soft dark and brown
Said she'd never been in trouble, or even in town
A younger girl keeps a-rollin' 'cross my mind...

Aside from the "one look in her eyes and you forget everything" line, I always seem to see myself in those lyrics, heehee...There seems to be so little attention paid to the nice dark eyes (it's always 'blue-eyed' or 'green-eyed'), so it's nice when they're finally appreciated. And besides that, I always seem to be the 'younger girl' since I always go for guys who are older than me...*chuckles*

Geoff commented to Mom today that they'd have to 'party' on his last day of work. Guess who's excited for that. ;)

In not-so-happy 'news', Mom announced that she was going to go up to Toad's "for an hour or so". She said, "So should I thank him for the $20 he gave you for your birthday?"

"Actually," I replied, "I was going to give it back to him, until I realized that I can just use it for something." She walked back into her bedroom, and I had the feeling she was going to say 'thank you' to him anyway, just to be polite, so I yelled out, "Don't say 'thank you' for it, though, because I don't want him thinking I like him."

Which is true, petty as it sounds. I don't know WHY he decided to send a card down to me. It put a damper on my day yesterday for a brief time. Maybe he was just trying to keep Mom thinking, "Oh, what a nice man he is," or maybe he's still trying to make ME like him. I'm not quite sure how to get it through to him that he could hand me the fortunes of Donald Trump and Bill Gates combined, and I'd still think he was an annoying, nasty little bug. Even when he paid me $100 to set up those aquariums for him, and I tried very hard to tolerate him, I still found myself wanting to shoot him by the end.

At any rate, Mom came back out and told me that it was 'time for [me] to lose the attitude.' I opted not to answer, rather than snap that she never listens to me when I try to calmly explain my dislike, so I might as well just keep the attitude. She always gets so angry at me when I take a dislike to her friends, and it frustrates me as well. I don't have to like EVERYONE on the planet, and just because they're HER friends doesn't mean they have to be mine as well. I'm an introverted person; I don't like sitting out and engaging in small talk because all it does is make me anxious. So instead I retreat to my room...but Mom, the all-American hostess, reprimands me for being rude! I hate how she doesn't understand some of the most important facets of my personality. And yes, I've tried explaining it to her before. But she always forgets.

But whatever. It's just 2 months, thereabouts, 'til I'm back at college again.

We were talking about Internet stuff this evening, and from out in the kitchen she asked if there were ways to get around being blocked. I said that the only way I knew of was to sign on with a different screen name and then put my screen name on their buddy list. When I asked why, she said, "Just wondering..." It took me a minute to realize that she'd been wondering if there were ways for Dad to get around me blocking him. 'Cause yeah, yesterday was the second birthday that went by without him getting in contact with me.

I can't say that I know which would be worse: him finding a way to contact me, or continuing to ignore me. I know he must have thought of me for a fleeting moment on Father's Day, but he's probably forgotten the date of my birthday by now. You think I exaggerate, but I remember on my 18th birthday, Mom had to actually call and yell at him to get him to call me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have heard from him then, either. God...sometimes I just hate him SO MUCH! A girl's memories of her father should be filled with good times, and it's not as though I don't have ANY good memories of him. But I have more memories of times when he yelled at me and made me feel less than human...On the brighter side, at least I was never sexually abused by him, because that would have FAR more emotional scars than anything else. But on the other hand...well, I don't know. I just know that there's something lacking, and that hole will always be there because it's too late for him to try and start being a father now. Likewise, with Mom's poor taste in men, it's not as though I'll end up finding a second father in any of THEM.

Bleh...I hate it when I start talking about these things because it just makes my mood plummet. X_X I was feeling good while listening to my Lovin' Spoonful CD! Maybe I should put that on again. You just can't feel bad when you listen to their music! It doesn't have as much depth of feeling as, say, the Moody Blues, but if you need something to pick you up, they're good for that! :P

I can't wait for my sewing video to come in. 'Course, I won't be able to do much of anything with it (other than watch it, obviously) because I'll need to go out and buy materials. And I need to ask Mom where the sewing machine is so we can get it out and make sure it still runs well. Goodness, I hope it does still run well, because I can't afford a new sewing machine! I was rereading parts of my Sewing For Dummies book last night (hehe...lotta help THAT book did me), and there was a reminder in there that you can't expect your first project to come out very well. You might not even be able to wear the first thing you make. Ooo, but that will hurt my ego, hehe...I'm getting entirely too perfectionistic in the way I do things. I have this little voice in my head that says "You have to do it perfectly the FIRST TIME or it's not worth doing!" and as much as I want to just tell that little voice to shut up and go find someone else to annoy, it doesn't work. In fact, I think it just gets worse.

But regardless of how well my 'first project' turns out, I think I'm going to have fun learning! I was looking at Bad Candy a few nights ago, perusing all of her cosplay costumes and things, and I got this sudden excited urge to be able to do things like that. Only problem: I have no friends who would be willing to do it with me! And it wouldn't be nearly as fun to go by myself, hehehe :P But it would be a lot of fun to do stuff like that. Assuming I ever get THAT good at sewing, anyway. This girl has her mother and grandmother helping her every so often, and I a)Don't have a mother who knows how to make clothing, and b)No longer have any grandmothers to learn from or ask for help! If only I did, though, 'cause I'd have started learning by now! :P

Okay, I'm going to go find something else to do. When I first came home, I was really good with not staying on the Internet too much. As the summer has progressed, however, I find myself on here more and more each day. X_X I NEED A HOBBY!!!