Today's rambling: Trust?
Written on Tuesday, Jun. 17, 2003 at 4:38 a.m.
while feeling a bit

Oh, man. I can't believe this.

(By the way...the happier, "intro to the new design" entry is right before this one.)

As usual, Charlie (aka The Toad) called up Mom today. I'm not even kidding when I say that he's like Kristen's boyfriend Tom on the needy scale. He calls her all the time, and will call consecutive times if she fails to pick up the cell phone on his first try. There have been times when I've been seriously tempted to pick up and hiss, "Nobody likes you. You have no friends, so stop calling." But then I realize that that would just be dumb, so I think evil, ugly thoughts in my head about him.

Ever since that winter night he so callously left my gerbils in the back of his Blazer because he got mad, I have never forgiven him. He's always been a huge irritance before, but now he's got animal cruelty on top of it. Mom, because of some delusion that he's a terrific guy, has made excuses for that gerbil espisode, despite the fact that she was unbelievably fired up when it happened. Now she says "He was mad, he wasn't thinking, he did the first thing he knew would get to me."

Every time she tries saying that, I cut her off and tell her to stop making excuses for him.

Well, tonight she's gone and done something that has completely shattered my trust in her.

After Toad called, Mom ate dinner with me, got another call from him, and then went to his apartment. All she said was "I'm going up the street," as if I wouldn't know where she was going. But what did I care? She goes there all the time. At least it gives me a chance to have time to myself.

Anyway, she didn't get back until late tonight. Before she got here, her cell phone started ringing again. The second time Toad called (in a row), she had just opened the door. I didn't hear a word that was said, because she was speaking so softly, so I was hoping (fondly) that maybe he'd pissed her off again. He's almost always doing that. My hopes were seemingly proven correct when, instead of coming in to say good night to me, she slipped into the bathroom and then from there went into her room. With the room still completely dark, she shut the door that leads into the hallway. I assumed it was because she was really upset.

However--and I'm still a little taken aback by how uncanny this is, even for me--I had a very strong feeling that instead of being upset, she's sneaked Toad in through the bathroom and to her room. Getting anxious, I turned down the volume of my computer to see if I heard anything (preferably crying, because had I heard any sorts of sex noises, I would have barged in there and demanded that he get his skanky ass out of the apartment). But I didn't hear anything. And finally, despite my deep-seated suspicions, I went back to what I was doing...which was creating this design.

At one point, there were some faint rustlings and then it sounded as though our front door slammed. Frightened, I hesitated a minute but then crept out to the living room to make sure all the doors were locked. They were, so I came back to my room.

Just half an hour ago, I decided to finally get ready for bed, so I opened the door into the first part of the bathroom (our bathroom technically has two rooms: one with the sink in it, and another with the toilet and bath tub). Upon opening the second door, I turned on the light and discovered that the toilet seat was up.

Having no men in our household, our seat is NEVER up...and the only time it's ever been up before is when we've had the rare visit from Toad.

My suspicions were correct. I don't even know how I could have known that the little bastard sneaked in here, but he has. And whether he left or not, I don't know. I often hear those slamming sounds because the guy next door is constantly coming in and out and his door echoes VERY loudly whenever he shuts it. So for all I know, that ASS is still in this apartment, and I'm so angry and upset that I'd like to go out into the front closet, retrieve our air rifle, storm into Mom's room and prod him very hard with it. He doesn't have to know that I'd never actually shoot it; all I want right now is something very threatening that would make his fat ass scramble hastily out the door.

My mother PROMISED me that she would never sleep with a guy under the same roof as me. She told me that it would be disrespectful, and so she would never do it. And yet here she is, sneaking guys in like a stupid teenager, as if I wouldn't figure out that she'd done it. Why couldn't she have just stayed at HIS place? She's spent many a night up there, and while it makes me shudder with disgust to think about it, I'm not going to get in her face about it. This, however...

I'm sorry if you don't understand where I'm coming from. I know that it's her life to live and blah blah, but the fact is that she always promised me that she'd never do this...and whether or not it's okay for her to have men over, the fact is that she broke her promise. And I feel so hurt and upset and angry right now...

I want to go into her room and ask her what's going on, but there's that tiny part of me that's afraid to do it...as though maybe I'm just imagining things and by staying out here, I won't see anything untoward. And so I'll just wait until after she's awake.

But I'm staying up all night anyway. Because if I see him, you can bet that he's getting a swift kick in the ass. I have never been so fired up in my life.

As much as I've been complaining about Tim, I'm going to call him up as soon as the hour is decent. He's always making fun of me, saying that if I had a car I could go down and visit him, but I hope he'll be understanding enough that when I beg him to come get me for the day, he will. I need to get OUT of here. Just for a little while. I need to go with people I know I can trust, who'll irritate me with their teasing but then turn around and make me laugh over some silly, perverted joke.