Today's rambling: Box o' Memories
Written on Sunday, May. 18, 2003 at 12:30 a.m.
while feeling a bit

If I wanted to be really trite, I could name my laptop Angel, since my desktop is Demon. But I won't.

Anyway, I just realized that now that I'm home again, I can reread the Anne of Green Gables books! Joyousness! I've been wanting to reread those books ever since I bought the videos! Especially since the third installment was a disgusting insult to the books, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the actual Anne story. The only part I liked about it was Jack. *giggles* The bit with Green Gables being a complete shambles absolutely broke my heart. I cried at one point...Overall, I just think that whole third installment is depressing and ick.

Mom was making me go through boxes of stuff that came from the house, so I could get rid of stuff I don't really want/need (and in that way we can condense boxes and make more room). I came across my old French notebook, which has all my notes from 9th grade 'til senior year. I was surprised to find out that I actually HAD learned the subjunctive--and in more detail than I did just this semester! Funny how you can forget this stuff so easily. It's a little scary and sad, really; I mean, here I am taking all this time for a French minor, and even a year after graduating I'll probably forget all of it! : Anyway...

The other thing I found was this tape I'd made while on a Disney vacation in 2000. This was the last one I ever went on with Mom and Dad together, so it was fun to watch but also quite sad at the same time. I had dragged them both to the Tiki Room, because I'd never been there before, and as I was filming something Dad leaned in and gave this exaggerated grin. Without even really thinking about it, I rewound the tape and watched that 2 seconds again. And it made me really sad, but not in the "I'm going to start bawling right now" sort of way. I guess it's more of a wistful feeling, a longing for what was instead of what is right now. Don't get me wrong; my life has essentially taken quite a lovely turn, what with college and all my new friends. But at the same time, there are things that are holding me back...and those things pretty much stem back to my father. Not just the divorce part, but all those times when I was a child that he could have encouraged me and didn't. The times when he could have made me feel secure and sure of myself, yet only seemed to criticize and cut me down. He wasn't ALWAYS like that, but at the same time he was a perfectionist and didn't show emotions very much.

I've taken after him a lot in the perfectionist category, and I'm so SCARED that I'll turn out like him. As it is, as much as I talk dreamily about Geoff...the thought of any sort of commitment terrifies me. Such a strong emotional attachment...eee! I just don't know how I'd be able to handle that! It's almost as though I don't feel capable of returning such emotions, yet I know that my entire being thrives on strong emotions. But I bottle them up. I always have, because to show strong emotions usually meant some sort of reproach from Dad. So if I'm really angry, I bottle it up. If I'm really depressed, I bottle it up until I'm alone and can cry my eyes out. But that doesn't help, because as soon as I'm in public again I have to bury my problems and pretend like everything's okay.

98% of the time, I feel like I'm fine. And I think I probably AM, but it's just these few moments when I feel so lost and insecure. Eventually, I start wondering if I'll have a normal life...but that's ridiculous, I know. I can't just let one person screw me up, right? I'm going to be fine. I just wish that things didn't turn out the way they did, that's all. I wish I could forgive him for all the things he's done, but I can't. He can't see that he's done anything wrong, and I know he'll see it eventually, but will it be too late by then? For me? I keep thinking of all those tragic stories where the father dies or whatever and the children are left with all these regrets.

Yeesh...where did all this come from? My real point in talking about the Disney tape was that it made me wish that I could have taken a friend with me! I mean, I completely understand why no one was able to go, but looking at some of the things--like the Hall of Presidents and Pirates of the Caribbean--really made me think of Kevin and Amanda! The Hall of Presidents, especially, would have been like a review of History to 1877, hehe! They wouldn't enjoy the Oldies concerts that I'll be going to--Gary Puckett, The Buckinghams, and The Lovin' Spoonful!--but I know we'd have a blast going everywhere else. And if Lola had been able to come, that would've been fun, too!!! But oh well, this trip was pretty much last-minute because Mom and I didn't even think we'd be able to get the timeshare. But as soon as the divorce is finalized, that thing will be mine. As in, I'll own it...and I've never owned anything so big and important in my life before!

Anyway, that's about it. I think I'm going to go find something to drink...and then I'm going to start on the Anne reread! Woo hoo!!! Fun stuff! ^_^