Today's rambling: Hard day
Written on Friday, May. 02, 2003 at 8:16 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Oh my goodness, I think I want to cry. As I've said many a time before: what is wrong with me?? I whine and complain about how much I don't want to be in something, and then once I get out, I feel regretful and wish I hadn't made that decision!

I avoided Amanda all day, which is completely wrong of me. It's just that I knew she'd be excited and nervous and talking about initiation all day, and I just couldn't handle it. I went out to the mall and WalMart to return my white outfit and pantyhose, and ended up seeing two Phi Sigs there. Not really a good thing. But then came the worst part (for me): I was getting up to close the curtains so the sun would stop blinding me, and I looked out to see Sarah standing in front of Ralston, wearing a Phi Sig jacket.

Oh my god, Diary, I very nearly hurled myself onto my bed and started sobbing right there. As it is, I still have this strong desire to just start bawling. Being able to wear those letters was something that I wanted to do more than anything, and now I've completely screwed my chances. Like they'd ever let me back, lol! And maybe now that I'm out, I'm allowing myself to forget the bad stuff and just remember the few things that kept me there as long as I was. I don't know. I knew this wasn't going to be an easy decision for me! And I also knew today would be hard for me, but I wasn't sure how hard until it actually happened.

*sad sigh* I need to stop thinking so impulsively. Instead of making decisions while I'm all emotional, I should wait until I've calmed down and then think things through rationally. I don't think anyone would know, to look at me, that I'm so impulsive and emotional, but I really am! You'd think age would sort of mellow that all out, but thus far it hasn't. And that's probably why I've made so many wretched mistakes in my life! X_X

The one consolation about my leaving is that all the girls I befriended have still been wonderfully nice to me. Ali, who I thought was a sweetheart to begin with, gave me a big hug yesterday and was like, "Even though you're not a Phi Sig anymore, I still love you! And I'm sure I'll see you around, since you're with Amanda all the time." It made me feel really nice. I think she was one of the few people who genuinely liked me from the start. Everyone else kinda favored Amanda, hehe...And not one single person tried to convince me to stay, so I guess maybe they didn't really want me. I mean, if they'd liked me, wouldn't they have said something?

I'm not feeling so generous toward Sarah right now. She'd been talking to Kevin the other day, and said something about how she thought I shouldn't have waited so long before leaving, if I was going to leave. Kevin pointed out that any sooner, and I wouldn't have really had enough experience to decide whether to stay or go...which is right. I dunno, it probably sounds trivial, but she never said any of that stuff to me, so I definitely feel like I've been stabbed in the back a little. Then again, I'd always had a feeling that she wasn't the bosom friend type.

Aww, there's my darling Jam! I haven't talked to her in ages. It's good to see a real friend again, hehe! Well, talk to them, anyway...Can't exactly see someone when it's over the Internet, but you get the idea! ;)

I bought a boatload of scrapbooking stuff at Walmart today. Sixty-three dollars' worth...it's a good thing I returned that $53 outfit, lol! I've decided that I want to try this scrapbooking thing, after watching Amanda and Kevin do it. I don't know that I'll be very good at it, but it's worth a try! Now I just need to get my pictures developed...and take a whole bunch before the year ends! *giggles*

Anyway, I guess I'll go now. There's not much else to talk about, other than my general feeling of sadness. I took my French final today; I hope I did good on that!