Today's rambling: Decisions made
Written on Monday, Apr. 28, 2003 at 11:19 p.m.
while feeling a bit

I guess no one but me can say whether I made the right decision or not.

And to think: it all started over a pair of shoes.

Today was a sorority meeting day, but because it was a formal meeting, we had to wear "ritual attire" (read: dress-up clothes) all day. Not wanting to waste a bunch of time with pantyhose and a skirt (not to mention having to walk all day in shoes that are a tiny bit too big for me), I opted to wear dark blue dress pants instead. The problem with this outfit, however, is that I have no dress shoes. Well, I have shoes that went with the skirt outfit I have, but they wouldn't have really looked right with pants. And besides that, I didn't want to walk around all day in dress shoes so I just wore my regular tennis shoes.

Yeah, that looked really retarded, and I spent all day dwelling on how absolutely stupid I appeared. However, I kept reminding myself, no one is going to be looking at your feet.

Ha ha ha.

I met up with Amanda, Casey, Rosie, and Sarah, and I caught Casey looking at my feet. I didn't mention it, just because I didn't want to draw everyone else's attention to my lack of formal footwear. However, once seated inside Gemmell's main area (waiting for everyone else to arrive), Casey glanced at my feet again and then leaned over to whisper something to Rosie. I'm hyper sensitive about these things. I knew there was something up. And sure enough, Rosie informed me--in her usual sweet way--that I couldn't wear tennis shoes with my outfit. After informing her that I had no dress shoes, she at first suggested running back to her room to try on a different pair...and then she said something about us just lying...which probably meant I would have had to say I forgot to change shoes or something else that would clear me for one night. "Can you lie?" Rosie asked.

I burst into tears.

Amanda asked if it would be okay for her and Sarah to just make up an excuse that I was hugely sick, so that I didn't have to go (because I'd said before that I just wouldn't go today), and that was it. Standing up, still crying, I just hastened out of the building and then waited for Amanda to come up behind me. Sarah came out too, and we all knew it was the end for me and this sorority. I'm just not the type to follow all these stupid rules and things. Though I may not look it on the surface, I'm a free soul. I can't be dictated to, as I have proven time and time again. Amanda jokingly said it was my "hippie spirit" coming through. I suppose that could be true. At any rate, after saying bye to them I just wandered very slowly back up to my dorm, removing my pin and staring thoughtfully at it as I went.

As I finally decided, this just isn't for me. Can you believe they would have actually kicked me out of the meeting just because of my shoes? I mean sure, they didn't really complement the outfit, but for Pete's sake! Does my footwear somehow affect my ability to take part in meetings? Amanda told me later that the dress code is becoming even stricter: no sleeveless shirts, no shoes with treads on them, no jean skirts (or skirts that are higher than fingertip-length)...absolutely pathetic. As Kevin said: "What are they, prom queens?" I feel pretty when I dress up in skirts and dresses, but I am not going to waste tons of time and money just so that I can fit into what they want me to look like. It's why I never attempted joining any of the cliques at school, and why I was never really given one of the usual high school labels: I was just me. An individual. And while this sorority claims to want individuals, some of their actions lead me to believe that they're just like all the rest.

Thus, when Rosie called me tonight, I told her that this was it. I was de-pledging. Yet as relieving as I know that decision should be, I still can't help having strange regrets. What will Bre say? The poor dear, even though we don't know each other all that well it was probably still exciting for her to get a Little Sister (even though her "Little" was both taller and older than her!). And my "Teddy Buddy", I discovered, was a girl named Ashley...who was witness to my crying scene and even IMed me later tonight (while I was away) saying that if I ever needed to talk I could call her! She's a doll, as I've discovered from the few brief times I met her. I'm writing her a huge thank-you letter, but it just seems somehow inadequate. I think I'll offer to pay her back for all the lovely things she bought me. I mean seriously, these things probably cost quite a bit, especially considering she's a college student (and we're notoriously poor). I shouldn't concern myself with material things, but it all kind of makes me feel guilty, like I was just using them to get cool stuff.

I sat in Ralston's empty TV lounge for about 10 minutes after that phone call, just thinking and wondering if I'd done the right thing. Considering all the worrying and doubts I've been having, I have to say that it was the right thing. Something was telling me that this was all wrong for me, but I was trying to ignore it because I was sure things would get better. And then I thought that maybe my latest bout of worrying was akin to that panic attack I had regarding Geoff during Easter break. If I hastily said "I don't want to do this," would I come to regret it later? But I don't think I will...in the long run. I can be every bit as free now as I want to be, without worrying about saying hi to every sister that walks by or wearing just the right clothes so that I don't get kicked out of meetings. I can go to the WCUC banquet tomorrow night and stay the entire time because I won't have to be at that "Take Back The Night" function (in which 50% of each sorority and fraternity have to go to, or they'll be fined). When I first joined this thing, I thought I was doing a good thing by forcing myself to become more outgoing. As I was talking this through with Kevin, he said the nicest thing: "Last semester, I would have said that you were very reserved and quiet. But this semester, you've really opened up..." and some other things that I don't remember quite as clearly, but nonetheless it really touched me. I know he was sincere in saying it, and it really made me step back and think, "Have I really changed that much?"

To get kinda silly and sappy, I feel almost like Anne, growing and changing as a person. I guess I don't really need a sorority to make my personality more outgoing. If it's going to happen, just this college experience alone will do that. And if I'm meant to live my life as a quiet, reserved sort of girl...well, I'm okay with that. Goodness knows that plenty of people have liked me just as I am, even though I'm not the most outgoing girl in the world. Even though I can be outgoing sometimes, they're okay with the fact that I'm not.

Ashley is, as of this moment, trying to get me to reconsider. Sort of. I think she's over it now, but for awhile there I thought she was really going to push at me...which would have upset me. I'm already wrestling with whether I did the right thing or not, so if she'd kept at me it might have ended up making me go back...even though I'm really so firmly against it now! Oh dear, she already bought me presents for Thursday's Teddy Buddy thing! That's where you find out who your Teddy Buddy is and all that. She's asked me if I want the presents anyway, and I think I might have made her feel bad by saying that I'd feel guilty taking them! So I guess I'm getting them anyway. Ohhh, she is getting a HUGE hug and a thank-you letter anyway, hehehe!

So yeah, that's about it for me for the evening. I want quite desperately to talk about Kevin's birthday surprise, but I've written myself out so I'll have to save that story for tomorrow. Thankfully, it's a very good one. ^_^

(on an added note...something from Ashley that I think means the most out of everything: "I'll still be ur sister :)" *beams*)