Today's rambling: Deliberations
Written on Thursday, Apr. 24, 2003 at 3:33 p.m.
while feeling a bit

While I have often been unsure as to my dedication to a sorority, last night was the first time I was well and truly angry at them.

Diary, you've heard many a time my rants about managers. To me, they don't deserve respect if they haven't earned it. I won't grovel to someone who treats me as anything less than what I deserve. And while I have enough common sense to not ALWAYS act on my feelings, I've proven my distaste for managers several times. My main belief is that we're all human beings, and should be treated as such. Yes, authority figures need to exist, but they should act in a way that merits respect. You don't just get that privilege, you have to earn it.

So anyway, last night at our new member meeting this girl Whitney came down and asked to talk to just the new girls (though Rosie and this other bitch Jess were down there too). I thought it was just going to be a regular "We just wanted to let you know that..." sort of talk, but no. As soon as our Bigs had left the room, this girl goes off on a tirade that would have been perfect for "Sorority Life".

"First of all," she began, "I am very disappointed in you new girls." Enter rant about disrespect to the sisters (damn, I should have KNOWN they'd find out about me hanging their underwear in the Student Center!). Before I could really even begin to register what was going on, this girl turns on me, jabs a finger in my direction and spits "You have passed by me four times and never said hello. I said hello to you every time, and you just walked by." An insignificantly tiny step forward and then, "Are you embarrassed?"

My face was beet red, I'm sure. But do you know what I wanted to reply? I wanted to say, "No, I am so fucking pissed off right now. How dare you talk to me like that." And with that, I would have ripped off my new member pin, stood up and thrust it into her hand, and that would have been it.

I don't CARE if she's an older sister, and if she's about to graduate. She could be just about to fall over and DIE and it wouldn't matter any more to me. You don't speak to someone like that. A simple, "Hey, Amber, I see you every Thursday and say hi to you, but you just keep walking!" would have been much more effective. I would have remained in Nice Berry mode and apologized profusely for having just walked by, and then would have explained to her that that's just the way I am. But no, she had to be a royal BITCH and single me out as though I was a misbehaving dog or something.

I'm sorry, but not noticing someone is NOT disrespect. Disrespect is what I wanted to do to her, which was to spit at her and then perhaps give her a very deserving slap. She was talking about how the sorority chose us because we showed qualities (like independence) that were beneficial to the organization. You know what would have shown the most independence on my part? If I'd just quit like I wanted--and still do want--to do.

As it was, I waited for her to get her little tantrum out, and then I informed her that when I'm walking somewhere, I don't notice what's going on around me. My friends have to either yell my name very loudly or rush right up to me before I notice they're there. It's just in my nature to go off in a daydream when I'm walking around. Actually, I'm surprised I haven't been hit by a car yet, such is the level of my oblivion. I informed this girl that I would never purposely walk past someone without saying hello (unless, of course, I was angry at them...but that doesn't count), but that was as mouthy as I got.

Even now, however, I'm really not feeling the whole sorority thing. It's not exclusively because of her; as Rosie said, the bitch is graduating (along with all the other girls we hate)...and as Amanda pointed out, yelling is always going to occur at some point or another. It's just that this was one of those things that further cemented my feelings of reluctance. Why am I still IN the darned thing then, you ask? Good question. And basically, it's only because I'd feel terrible abandoning my Big, because she's a real sweetheart. In addition, whoever my Teddy Buddy is (they volunteer to buy you gifts during your new member period), they've been spending quite a bit of money on me and as stupid as it sounds, I'd feel like I was letting them down as well.

I tried talking about it with Amanda today, but I don't really think she understood. She was saying that she wanted to stay because she didn't want to lose the friendships of all the nice girls she'd met, and I replied, "Yeah, but if they're true friends, they won't stop talking to you just because you left the sorority." The response I got was something along the lines of "You know they wouldn't talk to you once you left," and I very nearly stopped in my tracks. I was just completely dumbfounded.

Why would you want friends who are only your friends because you're in the clique? I'm not insulting Amanda at all, but the difference in values just surprised me a little bit. This is another reason why I don't really want to be in this anymore: I don't want to have superficial friends. I want friends who are truly there for you, who would be with you no matter if you were in a sorority or not. I was afraid Miranda would look down upon me when she found out that I'd pledged, but we're just as great friends now as ever...and that's the sort of friend I want to have. I think Amanda would be that same kind of friend, which is why I don't think it would be such a terrible thing if I decided to leave. Granted, I wouldn't get to see as much of her because she'd be busy with sorority activities, but there'd still be time to hang out.

You know what? I think I'm going to IM Rosie right now and see what it takes to de-pledge. I'm not going to pay scads of money (which, by the way, I DO NOT have) for something that I feel is such a burden. It's just ridiculous. I've been imagining all day the feeling I'd have if I was no longer in a sorority, and it was a feeling of relief...which, I think you can all agree, is a sign that I should most definitely NOT be in this thing.

I just wonder if I'm making the same hasty decision that I made when I told Geoff not to drive me home.

Aww, poor, dear Geoffrey.... :(