Today's rambling: This is getting ridiculous.
Written on Saturday, Mar. 29, 2003 at 11:12 p.m.
while feeling a bit

What is wrong with me???

I wish I'd never had the temptation to go to that bid party. I wish I'd never gotten myself into this mess, and I wish I could just go on being quiet-but-genuine me. I don't fit in. I'm not a social person. I've been sitting here bawling for the past ten minutes, and of course it's not doing me any good.

Pinning is tomorrow. I will officially be a new member after about 9 o'clock tomorrow evening. Do I want to go through with it? Would I rather just pull out now and spare myself future torment? I mean, who would have thought I'd be reacting so strongly to something that, just a few nights ago, had me trembling with excitement?

I said I wanted to try sorority life because I wanted to bring myself out of my shell more. Did I think this would be a painless process? I guess so. I thought it wouldn't be such a big thing to open myself up more, because I've already become so much more random and outgoing than I used to be. But when I'm sitting in someone's room, and there's a big group of people, I'm suddenly terrified. I feel myself wanting to panic, to just bolt from the room and seclude myself in my room, my sanctuary. I'm so jealous of the way Amanda has eased her way into the group with so much ease. She keeps trying to tell me that she's nervous too, but the point is that she's able to do it. As much as I'd ideally like to be a little wilder, I can't. And I'm not jealous at her in the angry, "I'm going to start hating her" way, it's just that I sit there in my own little quiet world and think, "How does she do it?" Then, to continue down the self-destructive path, I look at everything she's done throughout high school and everything she's doing now, and it makes me realize how ridiculously pathetic my own life has been. Average student, no athletic ability whatsoever, no particularly noticeable talents, no real competitive streak to make me WANT to get out there and make myself known...What do I have?

Anyway, pushing myself away from that, because feeling sorry for myself definitely isn't getting me anywhere. Sorry 'bout that, Diary. I just have all those insecurities floating around in my head, and I don't know how to get rid of them. I just wish there was something about me that made people go "Oh my god, you're so cool!" Not so much because I want to be popular or anything, just because it would...I don't know. Self-confidence needs to come from within, not from without, but if I just got some positive reinforcement, it might help with the inner battle! People are always saying nice things about me (apparently) when I'm not around. Mom's always telling me about the things people at work say about me, and it really makes me feel good. Naturally, those sorts of compliments aren't the sort that you'd go up and tell a person (just because it would be weird), but...gah. I can't even express myself.

Maybe half the problem is that I don't know how to relate to people my age. Seriously. You stick me in a room full of adults (30+) and I'll, for the most part, be completely at ease. I can hold my own with conversation, I don't have to worry about acting wacky just to make everyone think I'm cool...I would just rather surround myself with adults. Yet ironically, almost all of my friends have been younger than me. I can say this with complete honesty because I never had very many friends...which means I can remember these things more easily. : You could put me back in the break room at work, the whole place filled with employees, and I'd be totally at ease. Even if I didn't know most of the people. With all these sorority girls, as nice as they are, I feel terribly out of place. I don't keep up with modern music--in fact, I detest it--I don't watch enough TV to be able to hold my own in that area, and I don't find enjoyment in using dirty jokes to hold up conversations. Not that I've never told one before, but they're usually pretty random.

As stupid as it sounds, I couldn't help thinking that it probably would have all been better had I been this age back in the 60's or something. At least THEN, everyone would be listening to the same music as me. That would take care of one problem, at least. Nowadays, most people are listening to rap...and as long as I live, I will NEVER listen to that horrible excuse for "music". Half of their stuff is ripped off of more credible artists anyway. So yeah, obviously we're not ever going to see eye-to-eye in that arena. And it sounds like something superficial, but music is a huge part of my life. I don't play instruments, but I would rather have a radio playing in my room than a television. It soothes me, takes me away from this world and puts me somewhere much more appealing.

Whoever I was in a past life, they're obviously pining for a time gone by. X_X

If all the official-types in the sorority were to come to my door at this very moment and say, "Amber, do you want to retract your bid?" I would say 'yes'. And while that may have some people going "Told you so," it's making me think, "What kind of a pansy ARE you??"

Do I just spend the rest of my life backing out of everything that isn't what I expected it to be? Commit to something and then, at the first obstacle, start crying and run the other way?

Why couldn't I have been the sort of person who has a real facility for conversation? I don't really want to be like the other sorority girls. Despite my many shortcomings, I like my quiet nature. Once people get to know me, I think that genuine aspect of my personality kind of endears myself to them. You know that, whatever else happens, I will always be the kind of person who shows what she feels. But it would be nice if I didn't get panic attacks every time I was thrust into a social situation.

And if I'm like this around the girls, how am I going to act around an entire FRATERNITY??? That one-hour time limit will be a hellish eternity.

I wish Geoff was still awake, so I could call him. He is the only person I want to talk to at this moment. And it's not because I expect any comforting from him, because he's a very matter-of-fact person. But that's what I need right now. I need him to tell me that I should go for it, that I shouldn't let myself act this way. I need him to give me his straightforward opinion and then, in the next breath, blurt some bit of nonsense. But I tried calling him half an hour ago and no one answered, which I assume means he's asleep. :-

Anyway, that's it. I'm going to take a shower, curl up in bed with my giraffe stuffed animal, and go to sleep. Things will look better tomorrow, of course...until we do the evening group thing. Then I'm sure I'll be feeling like this again. *sigh*

Well the dawn was coming,
heard him ringing on my bell.
He said, "My name's the teacher,
that is what I call myself.
And I have a lesson
that I must impart to you.
It's an old expression
but I must insist it's true.

Jump up, look around,
find yourself some fun,
no sense in sitting there hating everyone.
No man's an island and his castle isn't home,
the nest is for nothing when the bird has flown."

So I took a journey,
threw my world into the sea.
With me went the teacher
who found fun instead of me.

Hey man, what's the plan, what was that you said?
Sun-tanned, drink in hand, lying there in bed.
I try to socialize but I can't seem to find
what I was looking for, got something on my mind.

-- 'Teacher', Jethro Tull