Today's rambling: Mopey-ishness
Written on Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2003 at 7:09 p.m.
while feeling a bit

One of Mom's friends gave her the number to a dermatologist that her husband says is terrific. So Mom called up the place today to see if we were contacting the right sort of medical folks for my hair loss problem...and apparently one of the guys there is an expert in this field. Definite plus.

The downside?

My appointment is not until November. x_X

Doesn't it just figure? I finally find somebody who might have a clue as to what's going on, and I can't get in for months and months! The first dermatologist I went to, years and years ago, was a complete moron. He took one look at my scalp, gave me some lotion because apparently he thought itching was the problem, asked me if my periods were regular (and tried sending me to a gyno)...and then sat me in a room to watch a promotional video for Rogaine. My guess is that he was being paid by that company and had absolutely no idea about his own profession. Needless to say, I lost all faith in that profession and probably wouldn't have gone back if not for my desperation.

I could stand being slightly overweight as I am, if only SOMETHING on me looked normal. Because I'm not grossly overweight, I think people notice things such as hair and whatnot more than they'd notice my chubby thighs. I know it sounds like a selfish and petty thing, but I want to have the thick hair I had as a child. It doesn't have to be all gloriously shiny like the girls in shampoo commercials; I just want to be able to walk out of the house without doing a thing to my hair except run a comb through it.

People don't understand my position if they've never been there themselves. Kristen used to get on my case all the time because I took so long getting ready, but you know what? Unless I had some big date, I could be dressed and ready to go in as little time as it takes her...possibly even less. She doesn't take much time to get ready because all she does is scrunch a little mousse in her hair (to keep her permed curls from going frizzy) and go. I have to take an eyeshadow applicator thingy and brush dark eyeshadow all over my scalp just to cover up my scalp. Sure, I technically don't HAVE to do it...But by this point, I would NOT go out of the house without it. Just thinking about how pathetically thin my hair is on top makes me want to burst into tears. Men get somewhat embarrassed when they lose their hair, but society in general doesn't condemn them for it. Women, however, are supposed to have luxurious manes of hair. Baldness is out of the question, and I've been harassed enough during my lifetime without getting taunts about my lack of hair.

Oh, wait. I've already been made fun of for that. Nevermind.

These are things that I'd like to tell the people who get on my case for taking an hour to get ready every day. Even after I put the eyeshadow in, I have to pull my hair back in some way because otherwise it looks horrible...and besides that, I'd have to put makeup on the BACK of my head as well if I left my hair down. It's a vicious cycle here, and I know vanity is a bad thing, but...I'm sorry, I'd just like to go out without my scalp shining like a beacon even in ambient light.

Anyway, this topic is depressing and it's making me want to cry.

Mom ordered Papa John's pizza because I've been so finicky about food today and that was the only thing that struck my interest. I don't know what's been wrong with me today! I've been so hungry that my stomach was growling, yet nothing appealed to me. I almost bought sushi again for lunch, but in the end opted for these yummy little things called Spudsters. Unfortunately, I got too many of them and so they weren't very tasty by the time I finished. :- I think I might get sushi tomorrow. I'm not brave enough to eat actual fish, so I get this spicy shrimp roll thing instead. *smiles blissfully* That stuff is SO good. People keep looking at me funny when they see me eating it, which gets a little irritating, but I guess I can't really blame them. I used to do the same thing when I saw people buying sushi.

This morning as I got ready for work, I had this gut feeling that today was going to be Geoff's day off. And sure enough, he wasn't there. I was a little bummed out, to say the least. It's so retarded because I never get to talk to him for more than a couple minutes here and there anyway, but for some reason it just makes work easier to know that he's somewhere in the store! I always know in the back of my head that I could make up an excuse to go to the back room or wherever and chat with him for a couple of minutes. *shrugs uncomfortably* It's dumb, I know.

I'm starting to really dislike these 5am-1:30 shifts. They're wonderful because I feel like I'm getting out early (even though I'm still doing 8 1/2 hours), but I never get a full night's sleep. Even when I go to bed at 7 o'clock at night, I'll end up waking around midnight, and then from there on I can't sleep because I know I've only got 3 hours left. I literally wake up every hour, sometimes exactly on the hour each time, and then by 2:30 or so I just roll out of bed, turn off the alarm, and lay there listening to music before I finally have to start getting ready. I'm not sure if this is all because my alarm at home is loud AND on the other side of the room, or if it's some other reason...but it's annoying. I hope I can grow out of it once spring semester starts up, because I'll be doing it every day.

Kerri came back to work today. That was odd; she's been gone since before I left for college. And the moment she was back she was complaining, so it was just like old times. *rolls eyes*

Mom's lawyer called today while we were at work. She'd gotten a letter from Dad's lawyer, saying that he was willing to give $50,000 out of his 401k plan. A lot of money, sure, but considering everything he's been hoarding away...I dunno. I realize we shouldn't be selfish, and apparently there's some little tidbit I'm missing because Mom is incensed that he'd do this, but it just ticks me off. The man literally stole ALL our money...do you know that when he first left us, all Mom had to her name was $200? Yeah, he took ALL of it. And he apparently had quite a bit of money before that, because he'd bought a house up in the New England area and all this other stuff. He acts like he's hurting for money, but y'know what? HE wasn't the one left selling possessions just to survive. Thank goodness for Genuardi's, much as I can't stand the job anymore, because they've paid Mom and I well enough that we can have a place to live. No real luxuries, now that we're stretching things with college, but I can do without those.

Oo, the delivery man is here. I don't know how this entry turned so dark and depressing. Well, I guess I was feeling rather mopey before, but that's mostly because I'm so tired. I think as soon as I eat my dinner, I'm going to pull my pajamas on and crawl into bed. Sleep is the best thing in the world, I think. :P

By the way, Papa John's new little thing...Cinnapie, or whatever it's called, is goood. It's just a wee thing, but oh so sinfully sweet and yummy. I can feel myself getting fatter already because I ate too much of it.

I really wish I could do some old-fashioned complaining, because there's something that's getting on my nerves A LOT, but I can't. :- Hehe...that sounds so pathetic.