Today's rambling: Confessions
Written on Sunday, Jan. 05, 2003 at 2:26 a.m.
while feeling a bit

For any of you who have been screaming, "Would you either DO something about this thing with Geoff, or just GET OVER him??" while reading my entries, I have a feeling you're going to want to keep reading this one. Sorry to any of my friends who happen to be on MSN right now, but I purposely turned off (or blocked) all my messaging devices because I have to get this out. And it's not going to be a bunch of crystal clear images and words in verbatim, partly because I was on a serious buzz and partly because it was all just so surreal. But nonetheless, it'll feel good to get this out. I'm even writing it here first, instead of in my paper diary. That has to be saying something...I think.

At any rate, Ernie was already up at Johnny's by the time Mom and I got there. We moved down the bar where there were lots more open chairs, and Mom sat on my left while Ernie sat two seats to my right. It was almost 5:30 by that point, and we were certain for some reason that Geoff had fallen asleep and wasn't going to show up. But show up he did, and he took the spot between Ernie and I. At that point, I was about halfway (maybe more than halfway) through my Smirnoff Ice...and like the little non-experienced drinker I am, I was starting to feel that tingly, weak-limbed feeling that always seems to accompany my alcohol drinking.

Before I continue, I hope everyone knows that I don't do this sort of thing very often. I know it's not a good thing to indulge in excess amounts of alcohol, and being a social drinker isn't any better than being a solitary drinker (I guess). But for me, it's just so nice to be able to feel just nice enough that I can let go of that marm-ishness that I always feel holds me back. I have my limits, and I know exactly when to stop (as I did tonight). I wouldn't never allow myself to get to the point that I had no hold on reality. But anyway, I just wanted to make that clear, because I feel almost like it was a wretched thing for me to be going out drinking. ...

So blah blah, Ben showed up a bit later and sat to Mom's left, and it was just the 5 of us for awhile. A little after 6, Kirsten showed up, and then around 7-ish Frank and Elizabeth (and some other cashier whom I've never met) came in. They sat all the way down to Ernie's right.

Things happened (none of them serious, but the private sorts of things I'd rather save for my paper diary), Ernie finally left, and then maybe half an hour to an hour later Kirsten left. That was sad, because we all knew it was kind of the end, in a way. I mean, of course we'll all be able to see each other again, but unless we all get transferred to the same store we won't ever be working together again. I could tell she was about to cry, but I guess she managed to hold out until she got out of the restaurant. Part of me wanted to run after her and hug her and be like, "This SUCKS what Dave has done, and I'm so upset that you won't be around to talk to anymore! But you are going to be fine, and you'll probably make tons of new friends that'll have you cracking up just as much as we do..." But I didn't. Because while I'm always WISHING I could do those things, actually doing them is a little difficult for me.

Mom and Ben walked out an hour or so after that (Mom finally let out all the frustrations she'd had about him, so that was nice), and I got time alone with Geoff. By this time, I was starting to sober up (like I said, I know my limits and so I'd been drinking icewater for awhile). Still, there was enough of that liberating feeling in me to actually say a few things that I've wanted to say for ages. It started off with a pout and "Ernie said he didn't want me!" Then it continued to, "He said you don't want me, either."

At that point, Geoff went into this little explanation that basically said Ernie didn't really know what he was talking about. Thus, when I asked, "So I shouldn't listen to anything he says?" Geoff's answer was "No." :P I felt as though things were looking up at that point, like maybe I was going to have a chance with what I was about to say next.

"He also said that you know I fancy you," I stated, not feeling even the slightest bit embarrassed for going along this route of conversation. I don't remember Geoff's response, but I said something to the effect of, "Do you know I fancy you?"

I've finally said it. I told him that I like him. Can you believe how long it's taken me to say it?? I think he said something after that, and I actually admitted to him that I've been "going after him" for over a year now. I mean, I was just letting everything out. I was so tired of holding it in for so long, and this was the absolute perfect moment since we were both feeling rather uninhibited and there was no opportunity for awkwardness or anything.

Here's where I can't do verbatim, because I only remember the general points of what he said. It's disappointing for me, because I'd kind of like to savor such a moment. But I remember enough of it to be able to write it down.

He started off first by laughing and saying he couldn't be well and truly serious because of the alcohol, and I replied with, "That's why I'm telling you now, though! If I told you while you were sober, you'd be like, 'F* off!'"

"I'd never say that," he stated, gazing at me with a suddenly serious, intent sort of gaze that I couldn't find myself holding. Instead, I chortled and suggested that he'd just tell me to get a life. Again, he told me that he wouldn't ever say that.

Then he went on to say that this sort of thing was difficult for him, and he said flat out "I think you've picked the wrong guy." He informed me that he just couldn't take anything seriously anymore, that everything held some sort of humor to him and blah blah...I can't word this without it sounding insulting toward me, but he was saying that even what I was saying was funny. Not in the "I'm laughing at you" sort of way, but just amusing. I understood exactly what he was saying (I mean, how on earth DOES one react to being told that someone else fancies you?), but like he said it's hard to explain. At any rate, he ended by saying that he was probably going to end up alone, but it wasn't in the "Pity me, it's so sad" sort of way. In fact, he even said that that was the way it was, and it was okay.

"I like the fact that you're like that, though," I countered, referring to how he finds humor in everything. "I mean, I'm so glad to have your friendship because I feel like I'm so serious all the time, and you're there to be like, 'Get over it and be wacky.'" Once again, although he laughed he said that he'd never say anything like that, and he never meant what he said to ever sound like that. And then he informed me that I am a very interesting and fun person, and that half of the fun of it is because I look so serious and quiet.

We never really came to a resolution of any sort. Basically, it was just me telling him my feelings, and him telling me what his feelings were. He never said, "I like you too" (maybe I should have asked while I was feeling so good, ha ha), and I never asked if there was any possibility of me having a chance with him. But it felt so good to say all that to him. He's known for ages, apparently, according to Ben and Ernie. What good is knowing it, though, when neither of us talk about it? And we were soon off on another topic, so it wasn't as if either of us felt suddenly awkward around the other. As we got up to leave, I made sure that things weren't going to be awkward between us after my little confession, and he said no in that "Don't be silly, of course not" sort of tone.

"I still like you," I murmured, sliding off my chair.

"I know," he replied simply, but with a little amusement in his tone.

We got out into the parking lot and were about to go our separate ways when I turned and he opened his arms for a hug. It was our normal sort of hug, but all of a sudden at one point he just squeezed...and I was so taken aback that I didn't know what to do. Sort of wish I had that moment to do over again, but oh well. :P We got into our separate cars, and that was pretty much it.

As for what I feel right now? Surprisingly enough, at the moment I feel more confident about our relationship going further now than I ever did before. Maybe I'm misinterpreting all he said, but he never gave me the idea that he didn't like the idea of dating me; it was just that he was convinced that I had chosen the wrong guy. Mom swears he's been hurt at some point in the past, and he's not willing to just trust anybody. His behavior would definitely suggest that, but I'm not a psychologist and I don't know that much about his past. She said it would take time to get past that, and I voiced my vexations: how do I get past it?

Just show him that I'm sticking around, basically.

Anyway, I'm sure this sounds really sappy and silly, but tonight (despite the alcohol) was really important to me. I was sober enough by the time I told him what I did that I don't feel as if I just blurted it out without thinking. And...I don't know, like I said, I think things are just going to get better from here. I really feel like there's affection hidden there somewhere, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm not saying I'm planning on someday marrying the guy; that would just be silly. But...eh. You get it. I'm just happy that I went to that 'party' tonight after all.