Today's rambling: Bitter disappointment
Written on Thursday, Oct. 03, 2002 at 12:08 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Well. It's a good thing I've been getting these good marks, because Writing class yesterday was everything I'd dreaded it to be. Out of 50 points on our Reading Reports, I got a 37...which is a C. True, it's better than what I originally thought was--a D or an F--but it's still woefully lower than the grades in my other classes. Kind've funny, when I think about it; in high school, a C would have been perfectly acceptable for me, because it's the sort of grade I was always getting (thanks to never doing homework). But now that I'm in college--now that I'm choosing to continue my education, instead of being forced into it as I was in high school--I find I don't want these average grades. I want to get A's and B's, and getting less than that really upsets me. Part of it's just perfectionistic tendencies, because I want everything I do to be absolutely perfect...and if it's not, then I want to quit because if I can't do it perfectly the first time, why on earth would I want to try again?

That's a part of my personality that I can't seem to control. I don't like being upset with myself for getting 92's and 96's, because the rational part of me knows that those grades are very good. But they're not 100's, and that irrational part of my mind is berating me for making the silly mistakes that dragged my grade down. If I can get like that over A's, imagine how I felt when I saw that 37 out of 50! Honestly, if I hadn't been in a classroom full of people, and if I hadn't walked home with Kevin and Lauren, I would have started crying.

I suppose it's not just the grade itself. It's just that I've been feeling so frustrated in that class. I've never stressed out so much about my writing before; all my teachers have always told me that my writing is very good. And yes, this is a university, so the standards are understandably higher, but this teacher is so much stricter (is that a word?) than the others who teach this class! I think she expects us to write as if we were in the Master's Degree program instead of mere freshmen in an undergraduate class. Even Kristen, who's in the Honors program, thinks some of this professor's rules are too much...and the Honors program expects more out of its students than the regular program! X_X

It's impossible for me to truly dislike my professor, because she's a good person. She's always making us laugh in class, and she's always assuring us that she's "not coming from a mean space" when she makes comments on our assignments. I just think she should have taken up teaching graduates instead of undergraduates.

At least she's giving us the opportunity to rewrite these things and hand them in for a better grade. No one got an A, which should say something for how critical she is. I know I'm sounding like a whiny little baby, but I really am upset about this!

Anyway...I woke up at 10 today and got dressed, then walked all the way down to the station to get my news story together. Kristen (the DJ) told me just last night that she'd see me at noon, but when I got down to the station, there was no one there! Her shift had been from 9-12, so I'm not sure why there was no one there. I wandered around looking for someone who might be able to tell me what was going on, but couldn't find anyone! It really irritated me, especially as I'd been planning to get my promo done, too. So, after walking all the way down there, I had to turn around and walk all the way back to my dorm...in sticky heat that made me start sweating the moment I stepped out the door. It's not so much that it's hot out, but the humidity is disgusting. I will be desperately happy when autumn truly sets in.

If the mail goes as fast as it's been going for me, Tim 'n Geoff should have their letter today. :P Wonder if I'll hear anything from them...Probably not. Oh well. That was my last-ditch effort, and from here on out I'm just not going to waste the effort.

After my Message Design class today, I'm going to ask my professor if he'd like to be my new advisor. *giggles* Bill Adams has too many students already, so he wasn't able to accept me, but there's got to be someone! As Mom put it last night, I am paying entirely too much money to be stuck with an advisor who won't even help me. I deserve, at the very least, to get a good advisor! Hopefully Dr. Freeman will agree. I don't know him all that well, but he seems like a really nice guy, and I've only heard good things about him (unlike my current advisor..). I'll think about that more when the time comes, though.

Now, I need to figure out why NONE OF MY PAGES ARE LOADING...