Today's rambling: Love will keep us togethah...
Written on Friday, May. 24, 2002 at 8:52 p.m.
while feeling a bit

In a moment of boldness, I walked up to Geoff and announced, "Ryan said he wants to marry me." (which is true, heh..)

"Wowww," Geoff drawled, "I think you should do it."

I chuckled, then as I walked past, I looked back and said, "You'd better realize you're in love with me soon, or I'll be gone!"

He stumbled a bit over his next words, and there's only ONE word I'm not sure about (which, as it figures, is the most important word in the whole sentence). However, it sounded as if he said, "Well, even if I wasn't, I'd marry you just to get you out of that situation."

I'm not sure if he said "was" or "wasn't", and obviously each of those words completely changes the sentence! If he said "wasn't", then that'd mean he actually is in love with me, ha ha...Obviously, it's not one of those situations where you can ask for a repeat (well, it's obvious to me, anyway, hehe).

Later on, I walked into the back room with the intention of visiting the ladies' room. However, Mom walked into the room and so I talked to her for a minute, and then I heard Leroy in the break room, so I walked over and just smiled at him. I was standing in the short corridor, and the door to the break room (which leads into the grocery back room) was open. I heard someone roll a U-frame out of one of the freezers, but didn't look over. However, I was in plain view, and within moments I glanced to my left and saw Geoff...skipping toward me.

Of course, Leroy gave the two of us a knowing sort of look, and then he looked at Mom and said, "Here's your son-in-law!"

I didn't stay very long back there, because as I said, I'd only gone back to use the restroom.

Anyhoo...Frank, thankfully, appeared to be over his irritation over what happened yesterday. We were both laughing because I completely screwed up my Pane announcement (I got so tongue-tied that I finally just gave up and blurted, "If I could talk, I would tell you..."). Don't remember exactly how it lead up to this, but Frank said, "At least it wasn't 'Playing with my boobies!'" (see previous entry if you have no idea what I'm talking about, hehe..) He was grinning, so hopefully he's over it. I think my face probably turned red, and I apologized. :oP

After clocking out tonight, I was talking to Nicole (who, incidentally, Frank talks to all the time...she's 30-something, but we both sort of come to her for advice). Told her about what I said to Geoff, and then as I was getting ready to go she said, "What about Frank?"

"I find myself rather superficially attracted to him," I replied glibly, glancing up to see her eyes widen.

"Are you being serious?" she inquired, sounding almost excited.

"Welll, he is cute," I said, "but we just wouldn't click!"

I asked her if Frank had said something about liking me, and she said no, but that she thinks he's trying to fight it. He must talk about me quite a bit, for her to have gotten the impression that he likes me. Apparently, she told him to just try and ask me out. Just for one date, and then we'd know for sure whether or not we actually wanted to continue dating. She kept talking, and then pointed out that Geoff "has the body of a 50-year old", and "do you really want that?"

First off, no, he doesn't look like a 50-year old, hehehe...

Second (and most important), I didn't become interested in him because he had the body of a god. I really don't care WHAT his body looks like. I don't. People don't seem to understand anymore that you can like someone for reasons other than the physical and sexual sort. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was 'perfect', because I'm far from it and I'd be constantly measuring myself against them. That, to a degree, is what I do with Frank; I can't help but be attracted to him physically, but as soon as I try to picture us dating, things just fall apart. I need someone who's bigger than me, just for the cuddling factor. It's not that I'm BIG, I'm just not like those junior girls you see in department store ads. And that's what I'd have to be if I was to feel comfortable with Frank, because he's the same height as me and he's about as skinny as a rail. Somewhat muscular, but still skinny. And that just makes me uncomfortable at times. Have you ever seen those old couples, where the wife is HUGE and the husband is frail and skinny? That's what I feel like with Frank sometimes.

So maybe that's the biggest blockade with that potential relationship. With Geoff, I feel at ease, I don't feel like I should try to be any different than I normally am. I'm not self-conscious about my figure, which is nice. It's just more comfortable with him. And I like to be comfortable. With Frank, if we went out somewhere I'd be constantly thinking, "Draw yourself up, don't look like you're slouching because it makes you look ugly and slovenly! Suck your stomach in, you look fat! Geez, you two look SO awkward and unmatched together!"

:

I think that's the first time I've openly been able to admit why I just couldn't date Frank. It's more complex than just saying, "We have none of the same interests" (though, we don't). It's not something I can just get over; this is a very real problem! Irrational, yes, but real nonetheless. I can't get over it just because I know that it's silly.

At the very least, I know that I'd have to just try dating Geoff. I'll never be able to fully devote my attention to anyone else until I've gotten this guy out of my system. Nicole pointed out that I could be waiting forever, but I know that eventually, I will get tired of waiting. I'm nearing that point now, I think. And if someone more right came along, I'm sure I'd know it, because my attention would probably switch really fast.

Hmm, while I'm on this introspective path...

I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not quite as shy as I used to be. I'm still as reserved as ever (i.e. I won't dance in public, I don't do silly stuff like play Truth or Dare because the thought of doing dares embarrasses me)...but I'm not quite as shy. While I was in Arizona, I found myself smiling brightly and giving cheerful hello's to various clerks and waiters that I came in contact with. At one time, the friendliest I got was a small, shy smile...and I very rarely ever said hello (it was just a low mumble if I did).

While in the Rainforest Cafe, Lola joked that I was like her grandfather, making friends with everybody, and I couldn't help but think about that. Even if she didn't mean it seriously, I thought, "Am I really projecting that image?" I've always considered myself to be sort of aloof, being polite but not exactly friendly. Since then, I've been really paying attention to how I interact with people, and while I'm not a social butterfly, I do feel that I'm becoming that sort of person: the sort that could strike up a conversation with just about anyone, that type of thing.

It's a neat thought, really! I've always been so jealous of those girls with the sparkly personalities (like Erin), who just made everyone love them. But now, I feel like maybe I actually have some of those traits, that the ability to be sparkly and cheerful is finally starting to show!

And I really like the thought! :)