Today's rambling: The Dreaded SATs
Written on Saturday, May. 04, 2002 at 10:22 p.m.
while feeling a bit

When I woke up this morning at 6 o'clock, it didn't feel special. I wake up at 6 half the time anyway because of work. So I got ready, ate the half-bowl of cereal I made (because, despite things generally not feeling SPECIAL, I was still so nervous that my stomach didn't want anything inside it), and then around 7:40 tromped upstairs to sit and wait for Tiff and Travis to arrive.

As I sat on one of the steps, trying to ignore the cold seeping through my blue jeans, I watched as a robin hopped along the sidewalk. It flew up onto the windowsill of a nearby gray car (if cars can be said to have windowsills), and the next thing I heard was a somewhat loud crack as he thwacked his beak against the side mirror. A moment passed, and then he hit the mirror again. Then he jumped on top of the mirror, sat there for a short while, and hopped back onto the sill again. Another couple of shots taken at his reflection in the mirror. He must've seen how good-looking he was, but not realizing it was HIM, got all offended that there were other good-looking robins in his territory.

Tiff arrived not too long afterward, so I hopped in the car and we were off, off toward the high school so that Travis and I could take the dreaded SATs. I was fine up until I saw the school, and saw all the teenagers walking in. Then I got nervous. Not because of the test itself; because of the teenagers.

Had Travis not been there, I probably would've had a panic attack. At first, we were at the very back of the line and so I had space...I could look away from all the teenagers in front of me and pretend they weren't there. But the space behind me quickly filled up with more teenagers, and every time one of them would glance at me I felt myself trying to pull further and further inside myself.

Were the people surrounding me all adults, I wouldn't have had nearly as much of a problem. No, that extreme sense of claustrophobia wouldn't have gone away completely, but it would've been much more bearable. I just can't be around teenagers. They're (at least, those around here are) superficial and judgmental, and even though EVERY teenager gets harassed at some point during their high school years, being at this school completely SHOT my self-esteem. Yes, I can easily put the blame here. Before I moved to this school in 5th grade, I wasn't exactly popular but I was friends with just about everyone in my grade. As soon as I moved, I was suddenly the odd one out, and there were few people who didn't make fun of me at some point or another. I was fat, I was different...I didn't dress right. How freakin' PETTY is that??? Yet they made fun of me for it anyway!

And people now keep telling me that I shouldn't let it affect me anymore, that I'm away from all of that and I shouldn't've cared what they said in the first place. But y'know what? I do care, and it did hurt. I don't care WHAT you wear or WHAT you look like, there is absolutely NO cause to be so malicious to another human being.

So anyway, as I said, had I not had a familiar face around, I would've freaked out. Well, not so much that I'd be screaming or whatever, but my heart would've been pounding, I would've started feeling sick to my stomach...that whole bit. I know adults are prejudiced and judgmental just like teenagers, but they're not so openly malicious. I don't care all THAT much if they're thinking things about me, I just don't want to hear them out loud. And from these particular teenagers, you get everything from the maliciously-amused glances to blatant whisperings...it just sucks.

Upon reaching the front of the line, I came face-to-face with Miss Moore (who's now married), my old guidance counselor. Ugh, I was afraid I'd see teachers who would know me! She asked how I was, and I made a rueful remark about wishing I'd taken these things in 12th grade. Then it was on to the testing room.

Once I was in the room and sitting down, I felt better. I feel better when I'm sitting than when I'm standing, maybe because I feel more hidden or something. I don't know. But as it was nearing time for the test to start, who should come walking into the room but Miss Moore-Who's-No-Longer-'Miss'! (I can't remember her new name, hehe...) She was our testing advisor! >_< Oh well, better her than the other guy that came in to give her a break..he scares me, hehehe...

Once the test was over, I walked down the hallway by myself (because I had no idea where Travis was). I felt sort of nostalgic, walking down this wide, empty hallway and looking at all the old classrooms. I almost wished for a second that I could go back to school for a day...but believe me, that was a hastily-banished thought. I am only too happy to be out of that place! For most of the rest of the day, though, I felt like I had been in school, and had by some luck managed to get out early. As we drove out to get lunch, I squinted into the bright sunlight and felt that same free feeling I used to get when school was let out early after finals. It was sort of nice!

After watching television for a little while, we went out and took a walk...this was the first time I actually made use of the walking trails/golf cart paths. It is really pretty around here! We stopped at a playground for awhile, resting on the swings first, and then playing on the see-saw afterward. ^_^ I love swings, I don't care if it looked silly for a 20-year old to be on it! As for the see-saw, I never really got to ride those when I was little, so I made up for it today...except that they were a little too low to the ground and I felt really silly. *giggles* I finally had to stop because I was laughing so hard my sides ached.

Continuing down the path, we came upon a rather murky brown pond. In it were dark fish that could hardly be seen through the hazy water, and bright pond koi that were so huge you coulda fried one for dinner. No lie. They were like mutant goldfish. I was hoping one of them would swim close enough that I could take a good look at them, but no luck. Most of them were varying degrees of orange (some with black splotches), but one of them was white with black and orange splotches. As we began walking down the path again, I saw an orange one facing us, and the coloring around its face made it look like it was scowling evilly up at us. I suspect it was probably hungry.

I'm not quite sure how long we walked, but it was a good distance...maybe a mile or so? This complex is sprawled out everywhere, so there's plenty of walking space. I finally got to walk onto a green, hehe (as in, golf green). After seeing how astro-turfy they looked on TV, I've always wanted to be able to just step onto one and see what it feels like. So today as we passed by the 12th hole, I saw that the nearest golfers were well down the course. And I hastened down the shallow hill toward the green. Didn't walk very far onto it, because for some reason I was afraid I'd get pegged by a flying golf ball. But I reached down and touched the grass, which is cut so short it's sort of like a grass buzzcut.

Biggest thrill I've had in a long time...well, with the exception of that see-saw. Har har har...

Since I'd only had 3 hours of sleep, I was starting to feel tired by the time we got back to the apartment. But Tiff, being the nice girl that she is, took me over to the pet shop, whee! *falls over giggling* I feel so stupid for having asked her to go there!! But I got a companion for Schitzy, who's been alone ever since Henry died. This one's a black gerbil (like Henry), but he has white markings. He looked so bright and inquisitive that, despite his very skittish behavior, I couldn't resist him. I can tell that he's going to be a good gerbil, though...he hasn't even nipped at me yet like most other gerbils do ('tasting nips', we gerbil owners call them). He's just a little...well...jumpy. If throwing himself at the top of the box can be considered a 'little' jumpy.

The thing that broke my heart was seeing one of the gerbils that I'd given to the store. I think it was Ophelia. She was all by herself, her two daughters having been sold already, and I just wanted to cry. Not just because she was alone, but because ultimately it was me who put her through that in the first place. If I'd had an extra tank at home, I would have bought her. The good news is, Mom said it's okay if I get her back. *giggles* My menagerie is slowly coming back! ;) Just kidding...Once I get my last gerbil back, that will be it.

As one last item, I got 3 neon tetras and a gorgeous female betta who's mostly white with iridescent accents and a tiny bit of red and black flecking. Eerily enough, I'd been hoping they might have a white female (which they've never had before)...and they did! I just have all the luck. ;)

Ohhhh, I never said how I thought I did on the SAT! Well, I guess I did okay. Pretty confident about the verbal part, it's just the math I wonder about. I don't know why I was calling the verbal section the 'vocabulary' section in earlier entries...brain freeze, I guess. After this morning, I'm lucky I have any brain cells left. :oP

That's about it! Bought Hannibal some cichlid fish food (just because I could)...uhhh, and tomorrow hopefully (assuming I wake up), Mom and I are gonna go out to get new work pants...and I might get Ophelia back. ^_^ Good stuff!

BAH! Y'know what? John somehow forgot that I told him I couldn't work today because of the SATs! He went up to Mom today and asked her where I was! After I 1)Wrote a note WEEKS in advance letting him know, and 2)Went up and told him like LAST WEEK that even though he'd scheduled me anyway, I couldn't make it! And he'd said okay, that was fine! For goodness' sake! There's gonna be a rumble on Monday. Bets can be placed now. Unless you don't gamble, in which case you can just root for me. ;)