Today's rambling: Angry and frustrated ranting
Written on February 23, 2002 at 1:13 a.m.
while feeling a bit

Happy Birthday, Mom!!!

Hehe...She told me a couple of days ago that she wanted a carrot cake for her birthday, and so I'd decided to make a one-layer round cake for her. I didn't get a chance to do it 'til today (well, yesterday now, but I'm still pretending it's today), which makes more sense anyway since it's just a day before her birthday...Have I confused anyone yet? I confused myself, hehe...Her birthday's the 23rd, which is today, but I'm still saying 'today' as if it were the 22nd...ah, heck, nevermind!

I also ran over to the card shop during my lunch break to get her a card and some sort of stuffed animal. I'd been imagining a lovely bear with rich, dark blue fur so that it would match her bed, but the only blue bears they had were powder blue baby bears. So then I saw these dogs that somewhat resembled Jack Russell terriers, and I thought, "Oh, that could be cute!" But they were sort of juvenile, so I skipped on those as well. I ended up getting this adorable tan-ish colored bear...his fur sort of feels like chenille, it's so soft. And he looks so PERFECT on her bed, hehe! I amaze myself with my good taste sometimes. ;)

Mom and I are both upset that we missed Jam's birthday, though...We both want to send her presents, but we're always so late doing it! :oP I still wuv you though, Jam!! :oD

Ugh, John came back to work on Thursday. And it's been terrible. Zenon frustrates me at times with the way he spouts tasks for me to do when I haven't even finished the first, but he doesn't try to belittle you or yell at you or anything like that...he really is a nice guy. John, on the other hand, doesn't seem to understand the concept of treating employees like human beings. No wonder nobody likes him! He acts as though the title "Manager" gives him some sort of God-given right to treat us like servants. As if the word is just some other language for "Dictator".

I hate even walking into the department when he's there, because it's something like walking into a war zone--you never know when/if you're going to get hit. My nerves are always on edge around him, because no matter what I do he always has to harass me! Yesterday he asked me if I would work on Sunday, even though I'm scheduled off. "If Mom will drive me in, I will," I replied, thereby telling him that it was his job to go ask her. However, he took that statement to mean that yes, I will work even if it means I have to spend the night in the back room in order to be here. So he was telling Zenon that I'd be in, and then wouldn't you know it? I went to see if he'd talked to Mom, and not only did Mom say no...she told me that under NO circumstances would she drive me in!

It's understandable, of course. I mean, we live half an hour away and have to travel the Turnpike (which is 50 cents each way), so it's not in either of our best interests to have her pay 2 bucks just to drop me off, then come get me later. The only reason we work that far away is because the pay is better than anything we could scrape up in this area. But her saying "no" still got me really distressed, because I knew I was going to have to be the one to face John.

And sure enough, awhile later he comes up and says, "So why can't you work on Sunday?"

"Because Mom refuses to drive me in," I replied. He mulls this over, then says:

"Well that's not good!"

"Well, what am I supposed to do? I can't drive myself down here!"

And he gets this really irritated look and walks away. I spent the next five minutes or so ranting to myself in the bakery freezer. I hate this man! And I know it's wrong to hate anyone, but for goodness' sake, why does he have to be such an ass? All he does is use people. There've been several times when Frank had a day off (his only day off), and John would have the audacity to call and ask if he would come in and work. No "if you work today you can have tomorrow off." No, he actually expected Frank to work 7+ days in a row. That's BS. Hello, some of us don't WANT to spend every waking hour in the store like you do! Our job isn't our life; our job is what gives us money so that we might be able to have a life. I seriously need an office job. At least then I'd have weekends off...

Frank and I are back to normal, by the way. Well, by all appearances, anyway...He invited me to go to a car show with him on May 3, 4, and 5. *giggles* This was funny not only because it was two days after that "non-speaking" thing, but also because he knows I have absolutely NO interest in cars! I'd be there like, "Wow. Hey, look, that one's got pretty colors!" Anyway, that's about the only good thing that's happened recently...

Yesterday, I received an email from my adoring father. I still find it funny that he wants so desperately to keep in contact with me now that he's torn the family apart, when back BEFORE the divorce stuff, he never called or emailed or anything. Oh, but he told me that he didn't know what happened since February that's made my life so miserable. ARE YOU STUPID??? Hello, house foreclosure...ring a bell, you ass?? That's not even the best of it, though! He continues to tell me that all of his coworkers (who are apparently quite knowledgeable, to hand out such gems as the following) told him that I would eventually "mature" and "understand his side".

First of all, what's there to understand? His nether regions took over his brain and thereby convinced him that an easy lay was better than family. Am I missing anything? I mean, La Whore is a woman who even HE once made fun of. On numerous occasions. I guess after she got her front teeth replaced (they were huge, I'm not lying), she suddenly became more attractive. And what with the way she liked to rub her back up and down on nearby poles, you'd think she was fresh from a strip club. Sure, I see why he left Mom and me.

As to the part about me being "mature"...I'd be lucky if you could say I had any childhood at all. Part of it's the whole only/first child thing, but Dad took that to an entirely different level. I was never allowed to be a child around him, because being a child means that mistakes are made...and Dad couldn't handle mistakes. So I've always had to be mature, because that was the only way to keep in his good graces. Now he's falling back on that old line because he can't understand why I should be angry with him. Yet I've got other people telling me I need to loosen up and be more outgoing or whatever!

Part of me would like to, at this very moment, write him a lengthy email telling him EXACTLY what's going on, since he appears to be so clueless. He has a lot of nerve accusing me of not seeing HIS side, when he has no IDEA about my side! I've lost part of my family, I've lost the home I grew up in, I lost nearly all of my pets, and I can't even GO ONLINE anymore because I'm afraid he might've sent me an email trying to give some sort of huge guilt trip..as if any of this is MY fault! He constantly accuses Mom of "poisoning" me against him...sorry, hon, you did that all by yourself. Not just after you officially left us. No, you've been alienating yourself from me pretty much from the time I was born. And yet you somehow see yourself as having no blame in this?

I think in some ways, he's sort of like John. It's pretty bad when I can't get away from the constant harassment no matter where I go. That's a major reason why I haven't come online (well, except for yesterday morning because I wanted to see if Frank wrote back).

Talking about this is making me more and more frustrated, to the point where I even got semi-snappy with Janette. Yet even while I want to resort to my usual defense of "Forget about it, stop thinking about it and the pain will go away", I know that talking is the only way this WILL go away. But it's more than just talking to you, Diary. I know I've got to let my aggressions out on Dad. And on John, though that's not too far in coming. As for Dad, I'd still like to write him that email, but then he'd decide to write back and throw it all back in my face, as if my words were spoken in a childish fit of pique and he feels the need to reprimand me.

He doesn't want me to block him on AIM or change Internet carriers without telling him my new email address. I've already blocked him, and I've been thinking about changing for ages now just BECAUSE I don't want him to know where I am! I want to be able to check through my email without thinking, "Yay, will my "father" have anything to say to me today? Some other reason to try and make me feel as though this is all my fault?"

This is just getting worse. I think I might have to email him. But it frustrates me further because I just can't get through to him! No matter what I say, he's already dismissed it as me being immature, or me just spouting Mom's words. I'm 20, thanks. I have my own mind, and I don't need to copy the opinions of my parents. I could still write that email, though. It's not like I'd be forced to read his reply; I could just erase it. Or I could block him. But then I wonder, would I say something that I'd later regret? Right now I'd like to tell him that I want him out of my life completely. I want to block him out and pretend he doesn't exist. Would I regret that at some point down the line?

Anyway, I have to go. We're going out tomorrow to (hopefully) get my permit renewed (I hope I don't have to take that stupid computer test again, because I don't remember any of it). Mom's talking about getting another driver's test two weeks from now, and she said that if I passed, we might be able to go look for a used car. This has me all excited; a car of my very own! Hee hee!! Who knows if it'll happen, though...I still doubt I'll be able to get my license!!! But I've GOTTA get it soon...Kathy turns 16 this month, and I will be absolutely HUMILIATED if the girl I've known since she was 5 gets her driver's license before I do!!