Today's rambling: Depressed and irritable
Written on January 28, 2002 at 8:16 p.m.
while feeling a bit

I'm tired. Really tired. So tired that I actually got lazy enough to TYPE my entry for my paper diary instead of writing it...so now I'll have to tape this sheet of paper inside my diary. Eesh. I can't believe I'm actually going to stay up and watch Rose Red. I should just try to find a blank tape and record the movie, but then I'd be going all day tomorrow thinking, "I can't wait to get home and watch it!"

It actually wasn't all that creepy last night. Of course, when the first part ended they had just gotten to the house, so all the really creepy, potentially nasty stuff is going to happen tonight and tomorrow. But the story itself is so intriguing that I can't help watching it! You can usually tell when the violent parts are coming, though, so I'll just avert my eyes or something. Of course, with my luck there won't be any warning and I'll be stuck seeing something really disturbing. Oh well.

Linda came over tonight and took Blackie. It's not like I'll never see him again--we're still going to "visit" him and stuff, and we'll get him back once the year is over--but I still find myself feeling very bereft. I've had Blackie since I was about...11 or 12. He's been my constant companion through everything--he even moved to Massachusetts and back with us! He's honestly the best dog anyone could ever have. Granted, he was really naughty as a puppy, but now he's just...perfect! I swear he understands human speech. Y'know how most "experts" say that dogs don't really understand what you're saying, they just hear the tone of your voice (like if you say "sit" or something) and know what it means because of repetition? I can give him orders in a regular voice, no gestures involved or anything, and he just understands!

If you don't understand...well, very few people do. You just have to be an animal person, I guess.

Anyway, I'm feeling very down about not having him around. When I call Wickit to bed tonight, it's going to be weird not seeing Blackie lumbering along as well. Why couldn't it have been Pierre? I'll gladly give him up!

It sounds so terrible of me to say that. But I can't stand that dog. He doesn't listen at all, he's stopped even trying to relieve himself outside. At one point, at least he was going at the door, which meant that at least he knew he was supposed to go outside. But now I wake up in the morning and find messes up the hallway near my room, in the kitchen...everywhere! It's absolutely disgusting! And I can't stand that ear-piercing yap, or his aggressive behavior...neutering would probably stop the latter (though he's not QUITE old enough for that), but I'm just sick of him. I want him gone.

Mom told me on the phone tonight that she found a home for Wickit as well. This woman that she knows over at the bistro is going to take him for a "trial run" to see how he acts with her cats (if there's going to be any problems, it'll be the cats beating up on Wickit, because that dog is a huge chicken). So I think she'll take him. I think it's going to be a permanent home, though, which really depresses me. I've been spending the past 3 or 4 years of his life trying to get him to really trust humans again (he was SO skittish when we first got him, and he's still wary, though he's starting to show affection a lot more)...what will he think of me if I just abandon him like that? I think I'm going to start getting teary-eyed...

On another subject...Tom from the deli department tried telling me today that from what he'd heard, Frank wants to "get to know me better". I honestly have to wonder if he even knows my name or who I am. Admittedly, Frank and I don't really know very much at all about each other's personal lives, but I can't imagine him saying something like "I want to get to know her better"! The thing is, just a couple of nights ago Frank had emailed me and said that Tom told him he and I had gotten into a conversation one day. During this conversation, I told him that I didn't know Frank that well but that he was a really nice guy (or something like that). I rarely even ever TALK to Tom, and I certainly never mentioned Frank at all! So I think Tom is trying to start some trouble.

I'm just wondering if I should have told Frank about what transpired today, or if I should let him hear it from Tom (who will undoubtedly say something) and then discuss it. All I told Tom was that I just wanted to be friends with Frank, that I already liked someone else. So it's not as if I said something terrible. But I might have a hard time convincing Frank of that if he hears it from Tom first and Tom concocts some wild story about how I said I didn't like Frank at all...

On the other hand, I don't want to be like, "Hey Frank, the other day Tom said that you 'wanted to get to know me better'. Did you actually say that? I told him that I only wanted to be friends with you..." That would just be too weird. It invites him to admit to liking me as more than a friend (if he does), and quite honestly, I don't want to know if he does. That would make me uncomfortable around him, and I'd probably end up becoming so distant that our friendship would be ruined. So I'd rather he keep his feelings on that matter to himself. That's why I'm afraid to say anything to him.

Maybe tomorrow, if I see him, I'll just mention it. I know better than to take seriously anything that Tom said (because since he said all this to me after that email from Frank, I know something fishy's going on), but I also don't want him exaggerating things when/if he tells the story to Frank. Oh, I told Tom about the email, just to see how he'd react, and I think I totally caught him off guard. He said something about not thinking that Frank did drugs, but "what kind of stuff is he smoking?" Heh. Caught ya, old man!

So now it's 8:34, I'm so tired that I could fall asleep right here, and Rose Red is on in less than half an hour. My AOL buddy list says I got 2 IMs, but I just haven't felt much like talking lately, so I'm just going to sign off without replying to either of them. They're probably just from Mel anyway, and I wouldn't have anything more to say to her than "hehe" and ":-P". That usually comprises my end of the 'conversation' with her. What else can I say when things end up revolving around her?

I'm so tired of "friends" who only take and rarely give. Friendship requires compromise, and if you're of the attitude of "it's my way or no way"...well anyway, I'm just tired of the whole thing. Not that I'm the model of a perfect friend, but I like to think I'm more acceptable of others' opinions than some people!

Ugh. I'm just going to sign off now. I'm feeling depressed and irritable!