Today's rambling: Fill in the blank!
Written on December 01, 2001 at 6:15 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Ahem.

Can I just say that I hate Kirsten? Oh wait! Ha ha! I just did! Would you care to know WHY I hate her? Actually, if you've been reading my diary for the past few days then I suppose you already know. But because I need to get this out, here we go. Don't laugh if you think I'm being silly...it's serious enough for me!

I guess it was around 11:30 or so when I took my 10-minute break. I was hoping that maybe, by some twist of fate, Geoff would take HIS break around the same time. However, I sat in the break room all by my lonely self. ;) On my way out of the back room, I saw Mom by the cardboard baler so I walked over to say hi. There's a door that leads outside there, and it was wide open (it was all nice and sunny and mild outside), but I didn't notice that right at first. As I turned to walk away, however, I caught a glimpse of Kirsten standing outside and leaning against the wall. Surreptitiously peeking past her, I saw....well, I think you know who I saw.

I can't even describe how I felt at that moment. After I'd returned to the bakery, however, I seriously thought I was going to have to run to the bathroom so I could cry without anyone seeing me. It sounds silly for me to get upset over such a little thing as that, but it's not JUST that. It's the fact that Kirsten has obviously started to focus her attention on Geoff.

She's always talked to him and stuff like that, but ever since she found out I liked him (and after Tuesday, especially), she's just been hanging around him. And why does she feel she needs to do this? Is it even a conscious decision on her part; or is it just some instinctive, unthought thing (wanting what someone else wants)?

When I thought my only "competition" was Claire, I felt slightly threatened but not TERRIBLY so, because Claire just wouldn't suit Geoff. She's always pessimistic and sarcastic and stuff like that. So I didn't necessarily feel like he would choose her over me, if it came to a choice (which is arrogant of me, I know). But now with Kirsten, I find myself against a whole new sort of enemy: she's petite (well, a tad on the chubby side but still petite), bubbly and cheerful, cute...'Course, any female would know that half of the cheerful act has a ring of falseness to it, and there's obviously that catty side which I saw quite well the other night. But men, for whatever reason, just can't seem to register when a woman is being catty and spiteful. We're so subtle about it that I guess it just passes right over guys' heads (because from what I've gathered, men are more straightforward as opposed to striking subtly).

The only thing that keeps me from giving up entirely is that even if Geoff DID become interested in Kirsten, it would only be a matter of time before he saw her character flaws. The cattiness, the snootiness (you should've SEEN how rude she was that Saturday night we all went out)...she is, generally speaking, a fake. And that's the thing I have to keep reminding myself of every time I see her hanging around him.

Maybe I feel threatened because the "good qualities" I mentioned are ones I feel I lack. My physical appearance isn't exactly so great...and I KNOW that "looks aren't everything," but that doesn't mean I can shove those thoughts aside! And I think I'm generally cheerful with people at work, but I'm still a very moody person...and 9 times out of ten, it shows. So then I feel like I'm not quite as sparkly and likeable as other people. Kirsten usually has that instant likeability factor (I liked her when I first met her), whereas people get a little intimidated by me sometimes because I'm so quiet (and it sometimes gets mistaken for snobbiness).

Anyway, now that I've listed my shortcomings for you...

I went into the dishroom almost immediately after coming back from my 10-minute break, and Ken (an older guy who works in Hot Foods) came back. Now, you have to understand how he is to NOT misinterpret this, but he came up behind me and started massaging my shoulders. *smiggles* He's like that with all the women (pretending to be a ladies' man, hehe). I was so tensed up, though, that it felt really great. So I just stood there 'til he felt like finishing. ;) Then I wandered back to the decorator's section (which is just the front of the bakery).

A few minutes later, Ken came out to say something to Joanne, but I was standing right next to her so he came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders like he was going to start massaging again. Mwe he he... He didn't, but that's what it looked like. Well, who should come walking up toward the bakery but Geoff. He took one look at me and started laughing. "It's niiiiiice!" I called out to him, grinning. He stopped at the bakery case, which was only a few feet away from where I was standing, so I continued to talk with him. Well, maybe "WITH" was the wrong word. He made a few comments, but it was mostly me who was talking. ;) "I think I might take him home with me!" I exclaimed. And assorted other remarks, but I forget them.

I stopped by the aisle where he was working to say good-bye, and we actually chatted a little bit there. I kept stumbling over my words, though, so I probably sounded really retarded. When I first started talking, I was trying to say something like "Did you see the bank's doorway? They've reached a new low of desperation." Got the first question out alright, but when I got to the second part, I forgot the word ("low") that I'd wanted to use! So I think I ended up stuttering "They've reached a new desperate"...there could've been a '-ness' tacked on to 'desperate', but I don't think so. While I was stammering, I stared fixedly at the cartons of orange juice...and felt even more stupid.

And that, for the most part, was my day. I think I need to find a new job; I feel more drained by the side story than by work itself!!!! :(