Today's rambling: Preparation...is kind of pointless.
Written on November 28, 2001 at 6:52 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Laura sent me an email that made me feel better. Well, better under the circumstances, anyway!

Of course, I know that I'm going to have to face Kirsten--and Geoff--sooner or later, and unless I want things to be awkward I'm going to have to talk about what happened last night. But mostly, I just don't want to even walk into that building anymore. If it was only between me and Kirsten, or even among the three of us, I wouldn't feel as awkward....but I'm sure that by now, what with Joe having noticed me hanging around Geoff, that most of the store will probably know by the time I come in to work tomorrow. And THAT will be unbearable. I could look at it poetically and think of myself as some sort of tragic pariah...but the ugly truth of it is, I'm just going to be the subject of everyone's laughter. Story of my life. Over half of my school career was spent being exactly that.

Anyway. Geoff doesn't work tomorrow, so thankfully I won't have to face him just yet. Kirsten, on the other hand, will probably be working. I'm still thinking about how I'm going to handle her. My usual way is to just blatantly ignore the person until they realize something is up and confront me. I work best that way, and it's probably the plan I'll stick to. If I get myself riled up enough, however, she might only need to say one word to me and I'll just go off. That could work nicely, too. Let it all out right away, let her know that it wasn't so much what she DID that humiliated me--I've had worse done to me--but that it came from someone I thought I could at least somewhat trust. In this business, you can't truly trust most people, but I'd grown comfortable enough around her that I never thought she'd stoop so low. Tell her that what she did was uncalled for, that if she thought she was only teasing she'd better learn how to better judge the way people will react to such comments...and most of all, that I no longer have any respect for her and outside of those walls I want to have nothing to do with her. Probably sounds like a weak argument. I doubt I'll end up saying any of that anyway; as upset as I'll no doubt be, I'll probably resort to petty mudslinging, because that'll be the only thing my flustered mind can grasp onto. AFTERWARD is when I'll think of all the things I could've and should've said.

Joe has always been an ass, and I'm better equipped to handle him because I've never liked nor trusted him in the first place. It's always easier to deal with those enemies whom you've known to be enemies from the start. If he makes some kind of wise-ass comment to me, I'll let him have it. It's not like he deserves any respect anyway, the self-serving ass-kisser.

As for anyone else who may have heard of Tuesday night's events, I guess I'll just have to make sure they know MY side of the story, in the hopes that maybe they'll take my side rather than the store gossips'. With any luck, maybe the store gossips will come to me first, sympathize, and then change their story to paint me in the best light possible. *giggles* Right. That'll happen. And Osama will decide he's tired of hiding in caves and surrender himself.

Geoff is going to be the hardest person for me to face. Kirsten's done exactly what I think she'd wanted to do: embarrass me enough that I won't hang around Geoff anymore. That part of me that gives up easily wants to just let her win, but I've been so determined to win Geoff over that I can't help feeling a little angry at the thought of her winning! Did that even make sense?

I keep trying to think of how I'll act toward him the first time I see him, but I guess I won't really know until it happens. Obviously, the unanimous advice would be to just act as I always did before. People don't always follow the obvious, however. I'll just have to let things go as they're meant to go. Hopelessly fatalistic that way, y'see.

*sighs* I hadn't put my "don't feel like talking" Away message up for AIM because the only people online who would want to talk to me were both away from their computers. Then I see my father's screen name pop up, and knowing that he might try to talk to me, I hastily stuck the message up. Most of me knew that was a bad decision; as I've mentioned in a previous entry, the White family has this insidious little trait for trying to make others feel guilty. I knew at some point I'd be getting an email with "since you put your away message up right after I got on, I guess that means you don't want to talk to me." Sure enough, the first line of his email was that (minus the "I guess that means you don't want to talk to me" part). He went on to say that he's going to be down in this area sometime in December, and would it be okay if I had lunch or dinner with him?

Part of me wanted to just say no. I emailed him AGES ago to ask him if he could come down and have lunch with me sometime, and he replied saying that he couldn't afford the trip. A few gallons of gas and a night at a hotel is too much to spend on seeing a daughter who you haven't seen since LAST Christmas? I'm sorry. I wasn't aware of the fact that I wasn't worth that much. So I wanted to say no.

However, I can't keep trying to avoid him, and sooner or later I'm going to have to try and patch things up with him. He may be acting like an ass, but he's still my father (even if he didn't decide to act like one 'til after his decision to divorce). I don't know. I'm really torn at this point. I told him that I'd go out for dinner some night when he was down here, but that we wouldn't be talking about anything like Mom's "shortcomings" (or Mom at all, for that matter. He can't say anything nice about her, so I don't want him even mentioning her). I feel like signing off now, because he's undoubtedly going to reply and I don't want to hear it at this point.

I feel emotionally drained yet again. Had this email occurred...oh, BEFORE yesterday, I would have been better able to deal with it. But now I just feel like holing up again and forcing myself to sleep. At least when I sleep, I don't have to worry about what's going on in my life.

Don't I sound terribly pathetic? I'm sorry...I really shouldn't write entries while I'm feeling so bad. I'm not like this all the time! (*looks sheepishly at Janette, who will undoubtedly be saying "stop excusing yourself in your diary!" at this point*) At any rate, I'm going to go prepare myself for tomorrow or something.