Today's rambling: See where my efforts get me?
Written on November 27, 2001 at 6:52 p.m.
while feeling a bit

I have never been so humiliated.

Today, I decided, would be the day that I'd finally get up the courage to ask Geoff out. Not only had I decided, I was being all but forced by Erin...which was actually a good thing, because had it not been for her I probably would have chickened out. However, she was all supportive of me (although she said that if I DIDN'T ask him, she'd go over to him and say something that would all but force me to ask him, hehe).

He didn't come in until 3:30, so I just waited until I was done at 4:30 before I approached him. Unfortunately, he was in a bad mood because things had been screwed up before he came in...but despite this, he still seemed fairly friendly toward me. I was so hesitant to ask him, however, that I just kinda hung around and probably made a nuisance of myself. I felt really awkward doing so (basically just sort of following him around) not only because I didn't want to be a pest, but because I knew other employees would be looking over and seeing me follow him, then laugh at me or whatever. Big Joe called Geoff on the store phone (every department gets its own in-store cell phone so that they can contact each other without having to walk all around the store)...at any rate, I don't know what was said but Joe had seen me hanging around Geoff so it was probably some teasing comment at my expense. That made me feel even more uncomfortable, but I eventually got over it.

The one thing that made me feel like I WASN'T being a nuisance was when Geoff told me to come look at the dairy cooler. I know, that sounds strange. We were all the way over on one side of the frozen section, though, and the dairy cooler was at the OTHER side (AND in the back room). Apparently, one of the managers had been an ass and took an entire rack of stuff out of the cooler, so I guess Geoff found the need to rant about that. But I don't think he would've had me follow him all the way over there if he wanted to get rid of me, would he? I don't know.

So anyway, I'd FINALLY decided to just go ahead and ask him, and get these lovely and witty words I spoke: "At the risk of embarrassing myself, I don't suppose you'd wanna do something sometime, would you?"

"Like what?" he replied.

"I dunno, I hadn't gotten that far."

I am so smooooooth.

I don't remember what he said after that. Maybe he said alright or something like that. He didn't say no, I know that much, but I don't know that he said YES, either. At any rate, I was so ambiguous with my question ("you wanna do something sometime?!" WTF?) that I guarantee you nothing will ever happen. And I will not ask again.

Not wanting to just walk away after that, I hung around for a little while longer and continued talking to him. Then Kirsten comes over. Or rather, she sashays. And says something about "Please separate yourself from Geoff, because he's my date for the evening." That night at the bowling thing she told me that I wasn't to go near him because he was her date (even though she's obsessed with Keith), so hearing the words yet AGAIN was more than a little irritating. I could've gotten over that little bit of embarrassment, though (she knows I like him, so I'm afraid she may have told him). It was what she did afterward that I can't forget.

First she just kind of wandered around the immediate area (not straying more than a couple feet away from us). I'm not lying when I say that the way she was walking was reminiscent of a prowling cat. This coy, mischievous little smile played about on her lips all the while, as if she found something to be quite amusing. After a few minutes (she DID talk a little during that time, btw), she finally said (in that same coy little manner), "Well, I'm obviously interrupting, so I'll go." I think she mouthed something to Geoff after she walked a little ways (my back was to her) because when I turned around, she was grinning rather amusedly.

A minute later, totally uncomfortable now, I remarked, "Well, since Kirsten's totally humiliated me, I think I'll go."

"Oh, she was only teasing," Geoff replied lightly (not unkindly...and I'd put a joking tone to my comment anyway so I don't think he knew that I'd been hurt).

Yet ANOTHER couple of minutes later, his cell phone rang again. It was Kirsten. All he told me was that she'd told him to "get back to work", but he was listening for far too long for her to have only said that. I couldn't bear it any longer, so I said my goodbyes and left.

Erin was grinning at me when I came up to the front, eager to know if I'd asked him. I told her what happened, then said how angry I was with what Kirsten had done. I didn't get to go much farther, however, because Kirsten comes over and says my name, then looks at my Mom and tells her to come over as well, because it "concerned us both."

"Geoff Franklin is my future husband.." blah blah blah. I got this disgusted look on my face, pushed away from the courtesy counter, and walked away from her. Even when she said something about how "since this little girl likes him, I'll give him to her", I continued to walk out without even acknowledging her. Then in the car, as I explained what happened to Mom, I finally gave in to my tears.

Even now, as I'm sitting here typing this, I can feel my face flaming again, and the tears start to well up. I've never felt so utterly humiliated before. She had no right to do what she did to me! It was completely uncalled for! And Mom also thinks that Kirsten was just joking, but that "she just doesn't know how to come across to people." Well too bad. You don't do stuff like that to other people.

Why do so many of the female sex have to be catty like that? I couldn't pull that off even when I try...I don't have the meanness required to hurt others like that. Maybe it's proof of my naivet� that I haven't learned how to hold my ground in the world of Big Girls, but you know what? If that sort of spitefulness and slyness is what's required to live in an adult world, I'd just as well stay in middle ground where I am now. As it is, I've been feeling torn because I want to be an adult, yet I still feel like a little kid. So having Kirsten say this stuff, treating me like I was no more than a lovestruck teenager, affected me even more than it probably should have.

Apparently, she has a reputation for being a...well, bed-hopper, to put it in nicer terms. And Mom said that Kirsten's not Geoff's type, but it's not even so much that I feel threatened by her (though she's obviously more worldly than I am, which I feel threatened by)...it's that I was EMBARRASSED.

Mom tried telling me I should call Geoff at the store tonight (since he works 'til midnight), but I'd never do that. Not only is Kirsten closing (which means she'll be there 'til 11 or 12), but even if she WASN'T, nothing would be able to persuade me to call him. What do I want him to think, that I'm obsessed? "Oh, Geoff, I just couldn't get enough of hanging around and bothering you while I was at work, so I thought I'd call you!" Not like he doesn't have enough to do already, without me hanging on his heels like a faithful bassett hound.

Anyway, that's about it. My eyes are starting to hurt...I need to go do something else. Unfortunately, I can't get the evening's events out of my head, not to mention wonder what sorts of stinging remarks she's made to Geoff about me since I've left. Mom said Kirsten "thinks the world of me". If she did, why would she have done that?