Today's rambling: I'm awake...
Written on August 29, 2001 at 6:12 a.m.
while feeling a bit

I feel jealous. And it's totally ridiculous, I keep telling myself, but just the same, I'm jealous! Everyone keeps talking about how happy they are to hear from other friends, or how they miss talking to so-and-so, and I think, "What about me?" and I start feeling like maybe nobody loves me very much anymore!

And then I want to just slap myself for thinking like that. But the truth of it is, I'm an attention-whore (I love that expression...where did I hear it from, Joe's journal-y thing?). Even though I'm the sort of person who tries not to pick favorite friends, there's that selfish little part of me that wishes I could be all my friends' best friend! Just for the sake of knowing that I was loved, you know? And that's so dumb, because I know my friends love me, it's not like they have to tell me every second of the day! I don't know, I'm silly like that.

I think I felt a little like that back when I used to hang out with Mel. She'd tell me about how Tiff was her best friend (nice to say while you're with someone else, eh? Real ego booster), and I'd think, "I feel so unloved!" or some other equivalent. Maybe I was semi-justified in thinking that around her, because she didn't care too much about me! :o But I've always been like this, wanting loads of attention from people (product of being an only child?), and I have this feeling that I always will be like this! At least I know it's wrong, though, instead of letting myself become childish and whiny and stuff.

Anyway....Sigh. I have to get ready for work now, and I honestly don't think I'll be making it through the day. Do you want to know why? I'll bet you're not thinking of the real reason! Think outside of the box! Hehe...anyway, I'm not going to make it through the day because I got no sleep. None. I slept from 2 am to 4-something pm yesterday, and I couldn't get to sleep at all last night..just kept tossing and turning, wishing I could sleep for even an hour. Finally, at 5:30, I turned on my light, went into the kitchen and made myself breakfast, and hopped online for a few minutes. I'm already feeling dead...I can't imagine what I'll be feeling like a couple of hours from now. With any luck, Zenon will be working and I can plead sickness to him. I'd hate to skip out on him, because he needs bakery help desperately, but if I can't stand, how can I work? He's spacey enough, I might just luck out and get a free ticket home...that is, if John isn't there. Grr, I can't stand that guy. There's just something about him that I don't trust.

So I'm going to go now, as I only have around half an hour to get ready. Mum will be awake in half an hour (she gets ready in, like, ten minutes), and I'll get to complain to her about my lack of sleep. Hehehe...not like she'll let me stay home (well, she might, but I'd have to call in and I hate telephones), but I'll at least have warned her that I might not make it through the day!