Today's rambling: Moosheh Moosheh!
Written on August 28, 2001 at 7:39 p.m.
while feeling a bit

*nudges Jam* You know I wuv you, Jam, right? ;)

I'm such a wishy-washy person sometimes. Well, a lot of times, really. I'm not like normal people, who can make decisions and not really worry if they've offended or upset the other person. My attitude is, "Even if I don't necessarily like the other person's decision, I'll go with it just because it'll make them happy." And the worst of that is, it's not completely unselfish on my part! Yes, of course I like to see my friends happy, but it's not just that, it's a matter of not wanting to start a fight or something, because I'm terrible with conflicts (I go all weepy and emotional, and it's quite embarrassing). I'm so weak-willed! And then I hold everything inside, so if I'm feeling angry it just builds up and builds up, and eventually of course it all explodes, but usually at the wrong person, and in an unhealthy way.

I just tried to send a birthday e-card to Kristie, when I realized that I don't know her email address! And when I signed onto ICQ in the hopes of finding it there, it told me that her addy is N/A! *whimpers*

But anyway. To the subject that I'd WANTED to talk about before I got on that whole "I'm weak" kick. :oP I'm especially bad when it comes to groups of friends! It's one of the major reasons why I don't like to have birthday parties or any other sort of gathering where all of my friends would be present; I want to give undivided attention to each of them, but because there are more than just one or two people there, I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions! I think this comes from the fact that I've never had friends who are all friends with each other. Like, say I had friends named Bob, Fred, Joe, and George. Oo, four guys, look at me, Ms. Guy Magnet! *giggles* Kidding. Anyway, I'm friends with all four, but they hate each other. Therefore, if I was to try and invite them to a birthday party or something, apart from hiring a stripper (which would bond all 4 automatically since they'd have something in common), I'd feel like I had to give attention to each of them as much as possible so that they didn't feel uncomfortable being around 3 other people they hated. Get it?

So whenever I mention a friend in my diary, I feel like I should automatically give affirmations to all my other friends as well, just so they don't think "Oh what, so she doesn't like me as much?" I was always the sort of person who didn't really pick best friends, because I loved all of my friends equally, but sometimes I feel like I'm closer to one person than all the others, you know? Not like I really have to worry about that irl anymore, though...Tiff's my only friend outside of the Internet, LoL! I lead such a pathetic existence!

I guess what I'm getting to is that I feel bad about having said all that stuff about Laura and her dog in my last entry...Not that it wasn't true, because I did feel bad, but then there's mah Jam, who's just not feeling well, and I think, "I hope she doesn't think I don't care at all about her!" Because I do! I've been wondering quite often these days how she's feeling, and I always hate to hear when she's not feeling well. I guess it's just that she really doesn't broadcast her unwellness that much, so I don't feel compelled to write it here, hehe.... ;)

Aww, I can't really even write this kind of stuff in here, because since they all read my diary, it's like I'm just saying this for their benefit instead of just writing my thoughts! Bah! So I'm going to stop with all that for today! I really should get going, anyway, because I was supposed to clean Cadbury's cage today. I told 'im I'd clean it right after I was finished taking a shower, and that was several hours ago! But then I sat down at the computer to wait for my hair to dry, and of course I had to read through my 197 email messages (most of which got deleted because I couldn't be bothered to sift through all of them), check message boards, play a little on Neopets...the whole Internet geek drill. :oP And now it's dark out, and I'd wanted to dump his litter down at the compost heap, which is too far to walk in the dark (especially with the dog of the spawn of the devil lurking nearby)...I'm such a procrastinator! Come on, Berry, do it! Just take a dog with you or something! *giggles*

On the good side (regarding procrastination), I finally stopped worrying that I was going to screw something up and began with it! Oo, how cryptic, eh? Tiff would know what I'm talking about (well, I think I'd still have to elaborate for her, hehe), but I can't tell anyone else! It's going to be a big old honking SURPRISE! I can't believe I just said that....

Hey! New idea! I'm making...*looks over her calendar* September 5th 'Friend Appreciation Day'! But there already IS one, you say? Or maybe you don't, but anyway, as I think there already is a designated day for that...this is an unofficial one, because why should we only have one day (or week...I wish I knew when that National thing was, and how LONG it was) a year? I'm so MOOSHEH!