Today's rambling: Oh Happy Day!
Written on August 15, 2001 at 12:36 a.m.
while feeling a bit

The banner at the top of the Diaryland members' area, at this moment, is showcasing the banner of 'Disco the Kid'. *giggles* Whoever made that banner, if you ever somehow stumble across this, I just want you to know that that banner is cool. Hehehe...

Anyway, to my reason for writing this entry! I was playing on Neopets earlier tonight, and suddenly an IM window popped up. It was Dad. Now normally, you would probably expect me to go off on a tangent about how he annoyed me and how I can't stand him, blah blah blah. Here is where I surprise you!

I was actually glad to talk to him tonight. I would have preferred to have talked to him a day or two ago, when I was just laying in bed sobbing and wishing I had someone to talk to (I'd actually wanted to talk to him then), but just the same, I'm glad I got to talk to him tonight. I told him about almost everything, including the whole decongestant thing that I ranted about a couple of entries ago. Part of me didn't expect him to understand, because he's always been the less understanding of my parents. He's not an emotional sort of guy, always more interested in numbers and analytical things rather than other, fluffier, right-brain-oriented sorts of things. But I think he actually kind of understood me! And that was so relieving, because I needed someone who could just understand.

He said that he'd always been worried about me because I've never been a real 'up' sort of person (can't remember his exact words, so I improvised, hehe), and I think that might be because I've always had depression, to some extent or another. Or maybe, as I said before, it's some kind of bipolar thing, because I can be SO cheerful and bubbly or whatever one minute (to the extent where I'm practically just bouncing off the walls sometimes), and then suddenly it's like BAM! I'm moping and weepy or whatever. But I've never wanted to go to a psychiatrist, because to do that, I'd have to admit that I had a problem, and who wants to admit that they're not totally normal, y'know? Well, I've never claimed I'm 'normal', but I think y'all get what I mean. ;)

So Dad and I talked, and for the first time in MONTHS, I thought, "Y'know, I'd really like to see him again." But at the same time I didn't, because I knew that if I did see him, it would just be another sob-fest, and despite the fact that I do it so often, I really don't like crying! Yet that's one of the reasons why I'm so reluctant to even talk to him on the phone -- I know at some point I'd just start crying, because the meeting (or conversation) wouldn't last, and before I knew it he'd be gone again, and I'd have to take all that time adjusting again.

*sigh* For the most part, the whole divorce thing doesn't really affect me. Yeah, I know in the back of my head that Mum and Dad are separated, but before this happened Dad was gone anyway (because his job was in another state), so in a lot of ways it just feels like that. But then there are times when it just hits me, when I realize that "No, he's not going to be coming back, it's all over." Not that Dad and I have ever been close, but overall he was still an okay guy.

It would be better if he'd just always been a mean sort of guy, you know? Maybe I wouldn't miss him so much. Oh well, no use dwelling on that!

I'm going into all this sad stuff, but I'm really not feeling bad! Aside from being suddenly tired, I'm still in a pretty good mood! I've got my MiniBuddy (*grins at Janette*), I've got my betta fish in his new little home in my room, I'm healthy 'n stuff, and at least my parents are both still alive, right? I shouldn't be all selfishly saying stuff like "Oh, he's gone!" because it could definitely be MUCH worse.

So yay, I'm going to think happy thoughts! Now, where's a pixie when you need one? Then I could fly...*giggles*