Today's rambling: Sooo pissed off.
Written on Monday, Sept. 20, 2004 at 9:23 p.m.
while feeling a bit

I've absolutely had it. My father has got to be the biggest DICKFACE on this planet.

He emails me today, for the first time since last month, and says something to the effect of, "I know you don't want to hear about this, but I thought I'd let you know that Pop Pop was put into the hospital for pneumonia. Grandpop doesn't think he'll make it. If you want to know when he passes, let me know, otherwise I won't bother you."

That mother fucker is CONSTANTLY doing that kind of shit to me. When my grandmother--his MOTHER--died, Mom and I happened to be in Florida. However, the entire family knew our phone number. Did they call us? No. In fact, they didn't get in contact with Mom at all. Instead, I get emails from Dad and Grandpop that were basically like, "You stupid bitch, your grandmother died. It's nice you cared enough to show up at her FUNERAL." Minus the swearing, that's exactly the tone they both used in their emails. They were trying to GUILT-TRIP me for something I had no control over! Neither of them had the decency to call me. No, instead they both acted like complete ASSES and decided to pretend it's all my fault. What, so I'm supposed to be psychic? "Mother, I sense a disturbance in the Force. I believe dear Grandmother has died. We must leave this place now and fly to her side!"

And now this. Granted, this is my great-grandfather, who I never saw except during a few Christmases, so I really feel no attachments to him. But how DARE my father use something like this as a weapon against me! I'm sorry his own life is so pathetic that he needs to belittle me to puff himself up. He's a sad, sad little worthless man if he can do something like this to his own daughter. And the worst of it is, that's my life story. I've grown up having him constantly put me down.

I have never hated anyone so much in my entire life. Why does he always cast the blame on ME for things that are HIS problem?? I'm not the one who caused this divorce, I didn't cause him to become an adulterer..but yet, when I "grow up," I'll apparently see the error of my ways. Fuck off, Dad. I hope the boat you take your next cruise on hits a rock and sinks, and you're left floating on an inflatable raft for the next WEEK.

Anyway, after calling Mom and bawling my eyes out, I wrote him a nice reply basically telling him the same stuff I've written here (minus the "DIE, BASTARD, DIE" part). I don't want to hear from him anymore until he can manage to say something nice to me. I'm an adult now, and I shouldn't have to spend the rest of my life fearing his next unwarranted attack. Maybe he has mild schizophrenia, and in his pathetic little mind he's imagined me attacking him in some way. That's the only thing I can think of. He attacked me via email after he got back from visiting me, too. All of a sudden he was like, "I don't understand why you won't go to my wedding, and why you can't accept LouAn because if this hadn't happened, you two would be friends, and blahblahblah!" The man's unstable. He really is.

But that's fine. He can destroy his own life, and I sincerely hope he does. Then maybe he'll realize what he's done to the rest of us.

I wonder what it'd be like to have a REAL father...