Today's rambling: I'm sick of it.
Written on Monday, Nov. 24, 2003 at 12:19 a.m.
while feeling a bit

This entry isn't directed AT ALL to anybody who reads this diary. Well, you'll know in a second what it's about, but I just wanted to clarify that I'm not including anybody else. So yeah, let's continue with today's edition of...

BERRY'S ANGRY RANT

So Kristen was telling me that she got to walk to church with a certain someone (like Kevin). He went on to tell her about how I was talking to Amanda last night and told her that I was going out that night with Cathy and Lisa. Then later, I had up a message saying I was looking for someone to go to dinner with, blah blah. Which is true. I'd talked to Amanda on the phone and told her that I was supposed to be going out, and she said that she was going to dinner and a movie with some people. She invited me to go to dinner (at least, I think it was dinner), but at that point I wasn't hungry and I would have felt too third wheel-ish. Yes, I KNOW that's stupid. I mean, we're good friends, so why would I feel out of place, right? I guess it was just a combination of the fact that I didn't know who she was going with, and most likely they were her friends, who I'm not all that well acquainted with, so they'd be talking about stuff that I didn't know about. Which they're allowed to do, obviously, it's just that I would have been sitting there like, "La le la..." Unless I misunderstood and it was just her and Kevin that were going.

Anyway, it was the way that Kevin said these things that pissed me off. I am so sick of being made to feel like I'm a bad friend! I have not ONCE done anything purposely malicious toward him! Misunderstandings happen all the time, but you know what? Instead of whining to someone else, he should have come to ME. I haven't gotten any calls from him recently, and I haven't tried calling him because I know he's been busy. Yet apparently my not calling, in addition to my away-message-invitation for a dinner partner/group, was a sign that I'm being a terrible friend. I am so sorry that I'm a human being and sometimes do things without realizing that they'll hurt someone else. It's never my intent to hurt anybody, unless I get really really mad at them...and then I wind up feeling so guilty afterward that I'm always the first to apologize.

Now I know why I never had that many friends: it's too damn difficult to keep them all happy. I've just made a group of new friends, and right now I'm excited to hang out with them. It in NO way means that I'm tossing aside the friends I made last year, because I definitely still want to hang out with them. But they're all super busy this year, just as I've been, so it's harder to find free time in our schedules. At least with my friends in Phi Sig Pi, it's obvious that we're all going to have the same open times in our schedules, because we have to. I don't know. I'm just getting really tired of Kevin's childishness...and I've noticed this behavior WELL before today's little thing. I've seen it whenever he picks fights with Amanda, or decides to call her fat just because he knows that'll make her go to the gym with him...You don't DO that kind of shit to people who are your friends. There are times when he's seemed like the best friend anyone could hope for, and then others where I step back and realize that with some people, even small age differences can mean a lot.

I know I probably shouldn't let myself get so fired up over this, because I did hear it from someone else rather than him. But the thing is, this is how it ALWAYS happens. He's never once actually come up to me when there's been a misunderstanding, so I've had to get the information from someone else. At this point, I don't want to have any sort of contact with him because I'm so completely fed up with him that I'd probably go tell him to f- off. Which isn't the mature thing to do, I know, but just the same it's what I'd end up doing. I'm not a bad person, and I'm not a bad friend. Whenever I realize I've done something wrong, I always apologize for it. I'm not so full of pride that I can't even apologize for my own wrongdoings. But in this case, I am not going to apologize when I didn't even do anything. Yeah, I'm sorry if it seemed as though I was shafting everyone to go to dinner with someone else. It seriously wasn't meant to be like that. But go ahead, accuse me of being evil anyway.

Urgh. It's times like these when I just wish I could cut myself off from EVERYONE and just not worry about it. I just made up with Amanda, and now Kevin's decided that I'm not doting enough on him. Well, I'm sorry. Friendship is a two-way street. You want to hang out with me, then for fuck's sake CALL me. Don't act like the stereotypical female and expect me to just KNOW what you want. I'm not psychic. I don't know when you're busy and when you're not anymore.

I think I'll go somewhere isolated and scream now.