Today's rambling: Like a picture she was layin' there
Written on Friday, Oct. 24, 2003 at 12:48 a.m.
while feeling a bit

My body is falling apart. Even my roommate is noticing how busy I am, and considering that SHE's the one who's constantly on the go, that's really saying something. Wasn't I just saying a month ago that I wanted to be busybusybusy this semester, and forget about a social life? Boy, did I make good on that promise! Unfortunately, I've burned myself out and now I'm quitting just about everything except my job and my Phi Sig Pi things! *le sigh* I can't wait for the next two weeks to be over with. Then my life should go back to some semblance of normalcy.

I've still been feeling queasy and sick for small periods throughout the night. Usually after I've eaten something. Then at the end of the night, I got a massive headache, so I'm just kind of sitting here wishing there was a magic pressure point I could push and get rid of this pain. If I press right at my temples, it kind of eliminates the pain for the time that I'm pressing, but then it all comes right back the moment I let go. And that trick doesn't always work. At least it's not stomach pain, though. I can't deal with stomach pain at all.

My father is crying "poor" in pretty much every email he sends me. I don't know that he's doing it on purpose, or if he even realizes it, but it's getting on my nerves. Always some comment about how he's been so short for money the past few years because "half" his paycheck went to Mom every month...Cry me a river, Dad. The man makes like $75,000 a year, and Mom and I are lucky to scrape together $30,000/yr combined. If he has no money, it's because La Whore keeps taking it from him. He was always that way, though, saying we couldn't afford this or that because we had no money. I don't even think he wanted me to go to college at first, because nobody could afford it. Many years ago, he went to night classes and got his degree...but when Mom said she wanted to do the same? "We don't have the money for that."

I shouldn't be speaking negatively. I'm trying to rebuild a relationship. But there are times when I wonder if we even HAD a relationship. *sighs* This stuff that I'm venting about isn't even anything new, because I grew up having to deal with it. Now, however, that's all I seem to be hearing. We don't even have any common ground we can talk about, because I'll totally shut down if I hear him mention La Whore's name. He's convinced himself that it wasn't her fault, that he wasn't happy in his marriage to Mom and his own mother told him that he should do what makes him happy, blah blah blah. Mmm, yeah. I want to hear that. That he only stuck around as long as he did because of me, and he didn't want any other man raising me. He never raised me anyway!

GAHHHHHHHHHHH.

This is stuff I should be saying to him. I know. But I'm sure I never will, unless I get angry at him. Then it'll all come out in a very unproductive way, and I'll probably shut him out again. Did I actually want to talk to him again? I can't imagine why, since it's causing me more stress to be in contact with him. If he would just show some freaking EMOTION, instead of being like a money-obsessed robot...

My lovely purple and gold Phi Sig Pi shirt smells like whatever it was the initiate advisor was cooking. It stinks (literally). I hate getting that heavy, greasy smell in my clothing. It's not as bad as stale cigarette smoke, at least. I don't know how ANYONE can stand themselves when all their belongings smell like that. Yeah, I guess you get used to it after awhile, but you have to know that you stink! I'd be embarrassed to go anywhere smelling like I'd been rolling in old cigarette butts!

Anyway, that's it from me. I'm getting back into writing those "woe is me" entries, heh...Once my world turns right-side-up again, we can get back into something a little more lighthearted. :P