Today's rambling: Feeling accomplished
Written on Sunday, Aug. 03, 2003 at 7:31 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Up at 8:30, out the door a little past 10...and then back here by 3-ish (probably a little before). I was left feeling as though I hadn't done anything today, even though I spent quite a few hours in Geoff's company. All we did was drive around, so maybe that accounts for the 'didn't do anything' feeling. Though to be honest, I don't know what else we could have done, hehe! Still, it was nice to see him again...as always, of course!

As it turns out, that Yankee Candle fragrance doesn't smell exactly like him. But in his absence, it's quite close. I don't think he really liked how it smelled though, hehe...and I can't believe I actually told him I'd bought it! With my luck, he probably thought I was an obsessed freak.

The lowest point of the day was, of course, when he decided that it was time to eat. I'm never hungry when he is, so whenever he asks if a certain place sounds okay, I get all indecisive...and then I get nervous and frustrated with myself, knowing that he must be getting frustrated, so it just makes me even more awkward! And besides that, I'm not the biggest fan of fast food restaurants anymore. I'll eat there once in awhile, but during college I hardly ate out at all and so now the thought of greasy burgers really isn't my idea of a meal. So when he asked today if I wanted to stop at McDonald's, I ended up waffling and then finally telling him that I didn't want anything (which was true, but I still irritated him I think). We finally stopped off at Wendy's, where all I got were fries and a Frosty (a yummy combination, in my humble opinion). "Are you alright?" he asked, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye in that 'Are you a normal person?' sort of way. I wanted to just melt in embarrassment and ooze out the door, never to be seen again.

I thought I'd made such progress with the 'eating in front of people' paranoia, but I really haven't. And it's a stupid paranoia to have, too! I don't even know when it started, but I'll wager it was around the same time all my other annoying perfectionistic behaviors started appearing. I keep inwardly screaming at myself that it's fine to eat whatever I want, because for goodness's sake, Geoff's a guy and guys like to eat. He's not going to look at me as though I'm some kind of disgusting weirdo just for eating a freaking cheeseburger. Yet I still can't bring myself to do it for some reason. It's easier when we're both eating, because at least there's no real attention focused on me, but I eat phenomenally slow. Geoff had finished his entire meal, then waited for about 3 or 4 minutes before starting up the car again...and I was still working on the measly little fries in front of me.

Urgh. I need to just get OVER this fear of doing things that normal people do! He tried to get me to scream in the car today, after I told him that I was so quiet that I wasn't sure I even COULD scream if I needed to...and I just wouldn't. Meanwhile, he was screaming fit to make somebody call the police (splitting my eardrums in the process). Geoff is this wonderful person who just doesn't care about whether he looks stupid or not. I don't know that it's necessarily confidence so much as general apathy toward what other people think, but I envy him that ability. I'd love to be able to just spontaneously do really wacky things, like wave at people in other cars even though I have no idea who they are. :P

That's what my goal should be, Diary! Forget this trying to get Geoff to kiss me stuff. That's an inevitable event. (*grins*) What I should focus on right now is breaking down these self-imposed barriers that are keeping my innately wacky self from breaking through. I could be the girl everyone loves. Well, I know all of you online already love me (heehee), but see...I feel like this IS my real self. Which is sad, I know, but it's a well-known fact that the Internet is amazing for helping people get rid of those barriers. I don't pretend to be anything I'm not when I'm talking to my online friends. Everything they've ever seen is the real me, the me that I'd love to be able to show all the time. When Tiff and I hang out, I feel like I'm really showing myself, too...but maybe that's because we're always hanging out late at night and I'm too tired to worry about what people think. *grins*

Anyway, yeah. I think I'm going to try for that. Whenever a silly thought pops into my head, I need to just go through with it instead of thinking "Oh my gosh, people are going to think I'm so retarded" first. Well, there's still a need for restraint, lol! But you know what I mean, Diary. I wonder if I should let Geoff in on this plan. On the one hand, he'd definitely be a help, and he'd keep me from chickening out. But on the other hand, would he put too much pressure on me? Hrmm...

I had to persuade Mom to take me out driving today, because otherwise we wouldn't have gone out. I know she's tired after working all day, but it's not as though she's really doing anything (when I'm driving), you know? I'm not saying she doesn't have a right to stay at home for the night if she wants to. It's just that my test is this Friday and I've still got quite a bit to practice!

We went over to the DMV place and practiced parallel parking tonight. Surprisingly, there were only 2 other cars there when we arrived (compared to the 5 or so that can usually be found there), so we didn't have to wait around for ages...and I didn't have a big group of people watching me, hehe :P I was still nervous, though, at the thought that at least 4 people were watching my every move, but my first try was perfect! One of the other cars was this big old white thing (the kid might as well have been driving a boat around), and the first several times he tried, he didn't make it. One time, he even knocked over one of the cones! When he finally did it, I felt like stepping out of the car and applauding for him (positive reinforcement is always good, right?).

My third time, I think, I completely messed up and got all frustrated...but thankfully I kept at it. We left for a little while and cruised around the streets that I'll have to drive for the test, and I did well. Then I tried parallel parking with real cars there (on this side street by some apartments). It didn't work. Cones are a LOT easier than cars! Actually, I think maybe I pulled up too close to the cars, or maybe I pulled up too far. Either way, I quickly got frustrated trying that and decided that I only need to park between the cones for my test. I'll try perfecting the real thing after I've gotten my license, ha ha!

After the 'lesson' was over (I went back to the cones for awhile), we came home. And I feel much more accomplished than I did earlier in the day!

I had to practically chase after Geoff to get a hug today. Mom said he just doesn't seem used to affection, which may be true...but I don't exactly like feeling as though I need to chase down guys just to get a hug! XP Maybe while I'm learning how to stop being so reserved, Geoff needs to learn how to accept--and give!--affection. Wonder if he'd be interested in trade-off tutoring...