Today's rambling: You can never go home
Written on Monday, Jul. 28, 2003 at 1:22 a.m.
while feeling a bit

Alright, this is it. I NEED to get out of my nocturnal habits. I signed off around 4-ish this morning, which is early for me (as evidenced by recent entries, hehe). I had my alarm set for noon because Mom was going to take me out driving, and had I gone to bed after I signed off, I would have had enough sleep. But nooo, I just HAD to go back to working on my little craft project! Actually, had I decided not to continue with it, I would have just tossed and turned in bed thinking about it. But I shouldn't have been so eager to get all the pieces together. By the time I was finished, it was around 7 o'clock. And yeah, I slept all day and didn't go out practicing at all.

The vicious part about this cycle is that I'm not tired now. What I need to do is FORCE myself to get up early (or earlier, anyway), so that I'll be tired at a normal time. But it's just so EASY to fall into a pattern of staying up all night, especially as that's when I get to talk to Janette! Urgh.

I am going out tomorrow. I don't care if I have to set every alarm-ish thing in the house, and tell various people to call me as well. I will get up, and as soon as Mom gets home from work I'm going to practice.

It wouldn't be so bad to be nocturnal if it wasn't for the fact that everything closes at the end of the day! So you can't even really lead a normal life if you stay up at night because it's not like you can just decide to stop by the mall!

*laughs suddenly* The other night when Geoff was over, we were watching the news and they were talking about how two people had been attacked while jogging along this one stretch of road at like 10:30 at night (on different nights, hehe). I remarked, "Who goes out jogging that late at night, anyway?"

"Who goes out to Walmart at three-thirty in the morning??" Geoff retorted teasingly.

"Hey, they're open 24 hours for people like me!" I defended feebly.

Mom and I sat out on the porch tonight and wound up in a discussion about Dad and various other related things. According to Mom's lawyer, Dad has no regrets for anything he's done to us. I have no idea what kind of monster he's turned into, because despite the fact that he was never a warm person, he was never this coldhearted, either. He told Mom once that when he was through with her, she'd be "trailer trash." Apparently, he wants the same for me, too.

I surprised myself tonight, however, by saying in a cold voice, "I want to see him stand before me and cry."

I shouldn't be like that! I shouldn't wish pain on anybody, yet I can't help but desire the sight of him, repentant and shattered, crying in front of me begging for my forgiveness. Don't think the scene wouldn't move me, because even thinking about it I know that I'd be sobbing and hugging him. But nothing short of him crying (something I've never seen him do) would convince me that he really WAS sorry for what he's done. Right now, I know for certain that he's not sorry. But he will be. He doesn't yet realize that the woman he's with is using him, but it'll happen. A large part of me wants her to hurt him as he's hurt us. But I know that's a cruel wish, and I really don't want to turn into him.

The other night when Geoff and I were watching the news, we were both saying how disgusted we were with the way the media is focusing so much on Kobe Bryant. Who cares is basically our viewpoint on it. I doubt there's a celebrity out there who hasn't done the same thing (adultery, I mean, not alleged sexual assault), and I'm so tired of society acting as though celebrities are somehow more important than the rest of us. Yeah, it's a bit of a thrill to meet them sometimes, but I would get just as excited if I were to meet Janette at last, or some other Internet friend that I've known for years but never really met. Ever since I was little, I've never gotten so fanatically screamy like teenyboppers do. I never even wanted to go to concerts until just recently because I wouldn't have been able to handle the screaming. So yeah, the fact that Kobe is getting all this media attention is just retarded. Let's focus on something with real worth, please?

ANYway. The thing that disgusts me more than anything is the fact that he admitted to having sex with the girl. Adultery is just wrong, and I'm not just saying that because it's in the 10 Commandments. I mean, does nobody think marriage is sacred anymore?? Why bother getting married if you think spouses are disposable? "Oh, sorry Karen, you're not putting out as much as you used to, and I found a cute little cocktail waitress who says she loves me. Oh, and I love her too. So it's time for a divorce."

The thing that scared me with Geoff was that he said something about adultery being something that happens allll the time (which is true)...and something else added like, "especially men" or whatever. I looked over at him, and it was on the tip of my tongue to ask, "So you think adultery is okay?" But I didn't.

Still, as much as I'd love to be married one day, at the same time the very idea terrifies me. 'Course, worse things could happen (such as domestic violence, etc.), but the thought of hearing my husband tell me that he's been cheating on me...I would just be heartbroken. Here's somebody that I love, that I vowed to honor and cherish, and he's broken one of the most sacred vows there is! I have problems trusting people as it is, finding it very hard to forgive for even small trespasses, but with something like that...I don't even know what I'd do. Would I want to try 'working it out'? I mean, this isn't the same situation as if we were having a period of tension or whatever. Adultery is one of the biggest breaches of trust I can think of. And I don't know if I would want to put myself at risk of that. Women commit it as well as men, I am aware, but on the other hand, men freely admit to thinking about sex pretty much all the time. Even Geoff said it was more common for a man to do something of this nature.

Anyway, I'm not out to bash men here. I'm just afraid of the idea of commitment, considering how easy society has made it to cast aside spouses if we don't want them anymore. I wish divorce wasn't allowed (except in extreme cases, such as domestic violence). At least then, both parties involved would think MUCH more carefully about marriage before they just jumped into it. If I ever get married, I want my husband to be my best friend as well. None of this getting married after only a few months of even knowing the other person. I'm not opposed to taking a few years, not living with the guy, but just getting to know him (and vice versa). Maybe that wouldn't help in the long run, but my parents only dated for 6 months before they got married, and look what happened to them. Much more than the little I've described in this diary.

Bleh. I'm going to go solve a crossword with mah Jam now. :P