Today's rambling: I'm scared.
Written on Tuesday, Mar. 18, 2003 at 8:13 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Sometimes, I'd like to hide my head underneath the covers and wait for the monsters to disappear. I'd like to curl up into a little ball, squeeze my eyes shut, and pretend that there is no scary darkness beyond the security of my blanket. But it's hard to do that.

I didn't watch our president's speech last night. In fact, despite the apparent buzz that had been going through campus about it, I hadn't even known he was making a speech until after it had happened. Once I found out, I clicked on my television and watched as men in suits calmly described exactly what would be occurring once Bush declared war. Bombs that would destroy bunkers; bombs that would take out telephone, computer, and other communication lines; bombs that were described as having the power of a small nuclear weapon. I watched Department of Defense video showing more destruction than I've ever wanted to see before. And without warning, broke down into sobs.

I'm not making a judgment on whether our president made the right decision. I've never been decided one way or the other, because I know that I'm ignorant about the situation on many levels. All I know is that fighting terrifies me, and the thought of so many inevitable deaths--whether deserved or not--makes me want to weep all over again. Who ARE we, that we can feel justified in the murder of so many people? As human beings, how have we let ourselves become so hostile? I don't think any one country can excuse itself from blame.

I think that, despite my indecision on the subject, my general support is with my country. Or rather, with the men and women over there risking their lives. My roommate has remarked before--with some distaste--that she gives no support to them because they volunteered to be in the military, which somehow means that they're all in agreement about fighting this war. What about the people who joined because they wanted all those educational benefits that the commercials are always touting? And for the rest of them, they dedicated themselves to defending our country. Whether this war is right or wrong, those people will be risking--and in many cases losing--their lives, and that alone is worth at least a little respect. No matter what your beliefs are, you can't just scorn human life like that.

There is simply too much happening to be able to choose one side or the other. All I know is that if I had my way about it, I'd curl up in bed, throw the covers over my head, and wait for the monsters to disappear.