Today's rambling: Weekend, Part I
Written on Monday, Mar. 10, 2003 at 12:47 a.m.
while feeling a bit

I probably shouldn't have read diaries before writing my own entry, because now I don't feel like writing one! Hehe...Actually, it's partly that and partly just me feeling really down and semi-depressed at the moment. Not that I exactly know why. I mean, I just had a 3-day mini-vacation with Geoff and Tim...shouldn't that have me kinda bouncing around a little more? I think I might turn this into a 2-entry sort of affair. It depends on how much I have to say, but come on: I've been with them since earlyearly Friday morning, and didn't get back to my place until...close to 4 o'clock, I think! Somewhere in that time period. So yeah, a lot happened in that time frame. And as I'm too lazy to write all this in my paper diary right now, you my dear electronic friend, will have to listen to me instead.

Went to work with Mom at 5 am (or almost 5:30, really, because of all the ice on the roads), and then I "helped" Geoff front the dairy aisle. I say "help" because I wasn't really doing a good job. I do quite a good job in the HBC aisles, bringing product up to the front of the shelf so everything looks full. But a)I was tired as all get-out on Friday (having only slept about 2 hours), and b)I wasn't really into the idea of working. But Geoff had asked me, so I helped out...and got teased by him later because I was doing such a bad job. : Anyway, after we finally got out of there, he drove back to his apartment where he made sure I was comfortable before going to his room and sleeping for a few hours. I tried dozing off, but was interrupted by Tim coming downstairs (this was at about 7 o'clock).

Since Tim didn't want to drive a stick-shift (which is what Geoff has), we got a rental car. And then drove all the way down to Atlantic City. Our hotel (or "villa", as it was called), was about 15 minutes away from the actual boardwalk, and it was quite lovely. Only one room had a jacuzzi in it, and the guys ended up giving that room to me. The room was as big as your average Holiday Inn room, and I was feeling a little guilty for taking it all to myself! I mean, there were even two basins in the bathroom counter; I really ought to have shared it with someone else. ;) But the other bedroom (which also had its own bathroom but no jacuzzi) had a sofa bed in it, so that's the one the guys shared.

We didn't get to drink much at all before the concert because Geoff had forgotten to bring along the concert tickets and we had to drive all the way back for them. Contrary to what they both insisted, however, I did not need to be buzzed in order to enjoy the concert. It was freakin' AMAZING!!! Even though I didn't know many of the songs they played (they were from newer albums), it was such an awesome experience. We were two rows from the back of the auditorium thingy, but the room was small enough that the band wasn't a bunch of dots. And Tim had bought these wee binoculars just for the occasion, so we took turns looking upon Graeme, Justin, and John (in his leather pants, ha ha).

I'd had a dream on Thursday night that I was at the concert, but Ray Thomas wasn't there because he was sick. Instead, someone else was there (I think it was supposed to be Patrick Moraz). On the way to Atlantic City Friday morning, we were listening to the Philly classic rock station and the DJ mentioned the fact that Ray Thomas was not with the band on this leg of the tour...because he was sick. This was the first time I'd heard ANYTHING about the Moody Blues' concert, so it's not like one of those times where you dream about something you'd heard before. Geoff and I looked at each other with this "That was WAY too eerie" expression when we heard the DJ's announcement. Good thing I'd told him before we heard that, or else he might not have believed me! :P

The rest of my dream included Geoff resting his head on my lap, but that part didn't come true, hehe...However, I did end up with his jacket on my lap for the last part of the concert. Does that count as more proof of my psychic ability? Hee hee hee...

I didn't buy any of the T-shirts or hats after the concert because they were ridiculously expensive and I get strangely finicky over the idea of tons of other people wearing the same shirt as me. I could make my own personalized thing with some of those iron-on decals you can buy at Staples. PSP is my friend. I'm sure I could come up with something cute. I might have to try that once I get back up to college and have access to my printer again.

The rest of Friday night, unfortunately, was pretty much ruined...and all on my account. We'd been having such a great time, and more than that, I'd gotten the feeling that I really WAS getting somewhere with Geoff. When he wanted to get my attention, he wouldn't just tap me like usual: he'd actually rub my arm. Not much, but I've already mentioned that everything is small steps with this man. He'd keep looking over at me with these warm smiles that I never see him give anyone else, and at times he'd get somewhat playful with me...another small thing that he doesn't normally do.

But then we went out onto the boardwalk. I, admittedly, was already getting irritated with Tim...despite the many times I kept telling myself to quit it (after all, he was doing a hell of a lot just for me). I can't really give one specific reason for why he was getting to me: it was things like him being rude to the people who worked at the casino, or getting an attitude about this or that. Geoff tried telling me that once you get older, you just don't care anymore, but I totally disagree with that. I know I'm not the most cordial or polite person in the world, but I do believe in being polite to folks. If they're rude to you, that's one thing (though I'm still never openly mean in return). However, if the other person hasn't done anything to you, then what gives you the right to go harassing them? I dunno. I'm sure I'm making myself sound like a hypocrite (especially after I tell the rest of my story), but I do TRY to be polite to people. I'll act coolly toward them if I don't like them, but that to me is still being civil, at least. I mean, I could be a real bitch toward them.

So anyway, there are these guys that go up and down the boardwalk pushing these little car things. Y'know how in China, they've got guys pulling what look like big wheelbarrows or something? It was sort of like that, only minus the big handles. These men pushed people up and down the boardwalk...and Tim was bound and determined to ride in one. What neither of these men realizes is that if Amber doesn't want to do something, she doesn't want to do it and Lord have mercy on anyone who tries to force her. I repeatedly told him that I did not, under any circumstances, want to ride in one of those cars. The fact that they're both somewhat big guys didn't even enter my brain: all I was thinking about was that a)I was too big to subject someone to pushing me around, and b)I would feel really stupid riding in one of those things when my legs were just fine. However, on the way back down to the Casino where our car had been parked, one of those guys offered to take us for 8 bucks. We said no at first, but then he kept following us. Geoff, mercifully, made us stop for a minute in the hope that the guy would keep going, but instead he kinda paused in front of us...and that was all Tim needed to herd us all into this little cart.

The three of us barely fit. I was squished into the middle with one leg on Tim's lap, and the other on Geoff's...but we were squeezed in so tightly that my knees still touched together (after all, one still has to be a lady, ha ha). We were so far away from our destination, and I felt so ridiculously stupid, that my mood just plummeted. As much as I hate the "f-bomb", I have never used it so much in my entire life. LOL...so much for being a lady, huh? I was just so angry at being forced into doing something I vehemently did NOT want to do, and even worse than that I was feeling really self-conscious. It didn't help when the guy, who was getting on in age, was panting behind us and saying things like "Too much weight". I know that he was only doing it so that we'd pay him more in the end. I know that. But it certainly didn't make me feel any better. Again, it never even occurred to me that the guys were contributing to any of this weight. I never really think of them as being overweight. I wish I could do that for myself.

Another sign that things weren't going as badly for the cart-pusher as I'd been thinking was that both times that Geoff told the guy to stop, he was like, "It's just a little farther now." Rehashing all of this and realizing exactly how much of a ploy for money it all was makes me feel all the more guilty for my later behavior...because I was a complete and total bitch. There's no other way to describe it. While in the car-thing I informed Tim that I wasn't going to talk to him for the rest of the night, and for awhile I was doing just that. We were finally let out at the casino, and Geoff firmly told Tim and I to go walk while he paid the guy. He paid this man FORTY DOLLARS just for taking us. And yes, it was quite a distance to be pushing three people, but that was still way too much. I'm not sure if he did it at all because of any self-consciousness on his part, or if it was because I'd been so uncomfortable, but he did it.

I, of course, started crying. I valiantly kept myself from making a scene, but my face still crumpled enough that both guys knew what was happening. Tim laughed nervously and told me to stop, that I was going to make him cry, but Geoff just kept telling me that that guy was only out to get money from us. True to the nature of 99% of the male population, there was no comforting. Just common sense. And while theoretically that's a good thing, I probably would have been in better spirits if I'd gotten even a half hug out of one of them. Instead, I moped. And to be honest, this all WAS due partly to my lack of sleep. It was after 11 o'clock at night (probably more around midnight), and I was tired and easily irritated. But that's still no excuse for the way I treated Tim. I didn't talk to him for awhile, and I know I made him uncomfortable. I have a knack for doing that to people. Seriously. My mother is constantly telling me that I have this way about me that keeps people unsure and somewhat intimidated. Oh, I look harmless enough, but I'm so...I don't know, volatile that people never know how to act around me. That doesn't go for absolutely everyone, of course, because I do try to be more open and such with people I care for, but every so often I just do a 180 and it throws people back on their heels.

Meanwhile, as I was being a miserable wretch, in the back of my mind I was scolding myself angrily for being so stupid and selfish. Yet I couldn't seem to snap out of it, which made me all the more miserable. We went to this rather dingy looking little restaurant, but I'd lost my appetite. I think that marked the first time that I actually pissed Geoff off. He just tossed down his menu, said "Come on", and we left. If I'd been a dog, my tail would have been between my legs. And then just a few minutes later, after we'd gone into the casino so Tim could turn in his last chip, Geoff all but lectured me! He said everything I already knew of course, about Tim doing all this stuff for me and how he was probably one of the nicest and most caring people on the planet...but then he started saying some other things that I didn't quite realize before, and it made me want to start crying right there in the middle of the casino, spilling out apologies to both of them.

I really do have a good heart, I think. It just gets overshadowed by my mulishness.

By two o'clock, we were away from the boardwalk and cruising around the area near our hotel in search of a place to eat. Of course, most everything was closed, but we found this little tavern and bought some appetizers (since they were only serving fried foods at that point). My mood went back to normal, and I feel like Geoff had become warmer toward me again--not as warm as he'd been at the start of the night, but at least back to normal. After eating we went back, Tim filled up the tub for me (another item I added to my "Why I Should Feel Extremely Guilty" list), Geoff started to fall asleep on the couch (which was entirely too adorable), and then we all said our goodnights.

I will end this part on an amusing note by telling my jacuzzi story. The water, thanks to me draining out the first tubful because there was red sediment pooling at the bottom, was two steps up from being cold. It felt warm, but upon getting into the tub I realized that it actually WAS somewhat chilly and I would be shivering before long. Unfortunately, by that point I had added the bubble bath that I'd brought with me, and had added just a bit too much. So I was up to my chin in bubbles, the water was too chilly...and the hot water heater had no more hot water for me. So I decided to drain this tubful and wait for the heater to warm up another batch. Turned off the jacuzzi but didn't go over to the sink to turn off the timer...and so when the water was over halfway drained, the jets turned on again and splattered suds and water all over the place. I couldn't turn the things off by the little touch-switch, so I had to turn a couple knobs to lower pressure, and then I sloshed over to turn off the timer. By that point, I was wet, sudsy, and stifling laughter. Went into the shower to rinse myself off, but of course there was no hot water, so I had to endure coldness.

I did not end up using the jacuzzi again.

But it was a darned amusing experience.