Today's rambling: Read at your own risk :P
Written on Sunday, Nov. 10, 2002 at 3:55 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? Hehehe...Sorry, don't know where that came from.

Writing this entry is just more procrastination on my part. I swear, I wish that word had never become my friend. I'd like to be one of those people who can just get everything finished right away. Instead, I just keep procrastinating, unable to TRULY enjoy myself because I've got those projects looming in my immediate future. Yet still I procrastinate, because somehow not doing these things is a bit less painful than doing them...in the case of my Writing assignment, that is. I have to keep reminding myself that the pain of this class will be over in just a few short weeks, or else I'll go absolutely crazy.

I talked to Mom yesterday, and she got a letter from Dad's attorney. Apparently, he's finally pushing for divorce proceedings, or something along those lines. He'd been holding out 'til now for some odd reason, but I think he finally wants this all to be over. I can't fathom what exactly has given him this change of heart, but I just hope things go the way they should (meaning Mom doesn't end up having to pay him or something, heh). What I'd like to think of as his reasoning is that he's realized he has nothing left to hold onto. He hasn't contacted me since a little after Christmas of last year, not even for my birthday, and I haven't made any effort to get in touch with him either. I'd expected him to try emailing me again, especially after he found out I was attending college, but I heard not a word. I think he's finally realized that I can't forgive him for what he's done--not yet, anyway--and so there's nothing for him to stick around for.

I'm not really sure why that's what I want to think, given the fact that just writing it has brought me very close to tears. I was never terribly close to my father. Apparently, studies have shown that girls bond more closely with their fathers and boys (as babies, anyway) are much closer to their mothers. I must have been the exception to the rule. How could we have been close, though, when he was hardly ever home--and then when he was home, he was usually yelling at me or berating me for something or other. Not exactly the type of relationship that brings people together, eh? Yet despite all that, I always tried to do things that would make him proud of me, or even just happy for me. Mom was never short on praise for things that I did, but Dad...I don't know. Even when I got A's in school, all I would get was a "Very good" in a nonchalant, close to disinterested sort of voice. I'm not sure if I ever succeeded in getting the same warm glow from him that I used to get from Mom. I always had this feeling that I was something close to a failure in his eyes. Shouldn't I be glad that he's out of my life?

Yet I'm not. Just like Mom, I wish he could somehow come back into my life. The last time I saw him, things were so awkward that I never wanted to do it again. I don't want that sort of awkwardness. I want the times when he and I would go out, just the two of us, after Thanksgiving to do Christmas shopping for Mom. Or those times when I worked with him one summer, sitting in his office with him during lunch and just kind of...well, relaxing with him. What happened to those days? Hell, what happened to him? I've said it often before, but I just don't know who he is anymore. What kind of person would do the things that he's done to his family?

Anyway, that's enough. I guess I know now why I asked about having that not-so-fresh feeling... :P

I need to get up and do my laundry now, I think. My smoke-scented clothes are draped over Kristen's chair, because I didn't want to have to lean against them on my chair and then make these clothes smell like smoke. *giggles* So now her chair's probably going to stink. Oh well, at least the room smells better than it did! Last night, Pam and I were playing MarioKart 64 and Kristin from down the hall came in and asked if she could sit and walk. I hate to be like this, Diary, I really do, but that girl smells. She's very obese, which I guess makes it hard for her to keep herself clean. However, lately it seems like she hasn't even been trying to stay clean (her hair's greasy and such), and she smells horrible! If she walks down the hallway, the entire hall ends up smelling in her wake. And my sense of smell, as I've mentioned before, is more sensitive than most...which means that I'm less tolerant of her body odor than most people. Still, I told her she could sit and watch because I wasn't going to be THAT rude. However, after she left, my entire room was rank with her body odor. It was disgusting! I exhausted the rest of my little Glade air freshener spray just trying to get rid of it, and then I had to keep the windows open!

Beyond the fact that she smells, this doesn't speak well for the cleanliness of the showers and toilets. Think about it: would you want someone that dirty sharing the same toilet as you? Please don't think I'm saying all of this because of her weight, because goodness knows I have just enough extra fat to not think poorly of anyone else. However, size aside, being that dirty is spreading a lot of unwanted germs. The shower that she tends to use (which, coincidentally, used to be MY favorite shower) stinks now...and it doesn't help that the cleaning ladies do a pathetically poor job at cleaning. I think all they do is run a rag over the sinks and a mop over the floor. Oh yeah, and they spray the toilets, then flush them. One day they were in our two bathrooms for around two hours, and yet when I tried to use my favorite shower it STILL smelled terribly! And I know from past experience that they don't clean off the surfaces of the showers, because the same dirt has been there for who knows how long. No wonder they say that sicknesses spread like wildfire in dorms--with cleaning jobs like what we're getting, it's a wonder we're not all sick by now! I wish we had suite bathrooms. Then, I'd get myself some rubber gloves and some heavy-duty chemicals and clean the bathroom myself. I'm not going to bother with these bathrooms, 'cause the moment I cleaned it someone else would just dirty it up again...and no one else would be putting out the effort I'd be! Still, it would be nice to step into a clean shower...

Ugh, my tummy's hurting and I don't really know why. I guess I'll end this entry now and go start on my laundry or something, lol...