Today's rambling: "Hi, Alex, I want your money."
Written on Monday, Apr. 15, 2002 at 8:09 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Contestants on Jeopardy have an arrogance about them, a tone of voice that clearly screams out, "I am more intelligent than all of you watching at home, and my fellow players as well." When it comes time for that brief interview period where Alex asks them to elaborate on some quirk or story, no matter what the tale, each contestant makes it sound as if it's the most important thing in the world.

"*dry, fake chuckle* Oh yes, Alex, well, I'm a pig farmer. I spend my days shoveling pig manure, and when the day is over I smell like HELL, ah ha ha ha. But one of my pigs was seen in a very famous movie, which unfortunately won an award for Worst Picture of the Year. But it's all very chic."

Even when they have the competition for younger kids, the contestants act like they're some kind of Harvard Grad!

Alex: So, Victoria, I hear you do a lot of traveling!

Victoria: *adjusts glasses on her prim little nose* Yes, Alex, that's right. My parents divorced after Father called Mother a lazy whore, and he moved to the Riviera to live with a buxom blonde supermodel. So I travel a lot from Montana to France. It's all very chic.

And then we have Wheel of Fortune, whose contestants are the very antithesis of those on Jeopardy. You see those rotund older women jumping up and down screaming ecstatically when they win a puzzle, and yelling out each letter with such piercing clarity that you'd think Pat was 5 miles away instead of just a few feet. And when he greets these contestants:

"HI, PAT!! WA-HEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

Another trend is that all husbands are 'wonderful', and wives and children are usually 'beautiful'. No matter that they just finished having some huge fight the night before, during which the children shrieked "I HATE YOU!!!" and the wife threw some expensive decoration at her husband's head. They're still wonderful and beautiful on national TV.

And then, the final annoyance:

"COME ON, BIG MONEY!!!!"

Please. Give it up. I think yelling that phrase just jinxes you and gives you bad luck anyway. I love it when they shout it and the little pointer lands on 'Bankrupt'. I find myself devilishly pleased when I hear that sound of money going down the drain. Maybe next time they'll know not to chant for 'big money'. Who started that, anyway? Some guy when the show first started, overly excited and yelling "Big money! Big money! Oh puh-LEASE, big money!" And somehow, all the viewers thought this was the greatest thing ever. Wow, they all thought, If I ever got on that show, I would shout 'Big money!' too!

Still...Both of these shows are better than other 'favorites' such as...oh, The Chair. There's nothing quite like watching someone in a dentist's chair as they stare up at an ugly, easily-angered, washed-up tennis player. It's like "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" with pyrotechnics and fancy heart-monitoring equipment.

Sure, maybe it's exciting and a little scary for the people who are actually IN the chair, but I really have no interest in watching someone sit there and answer questions, with the occasional burst of flame or swinging scythe to get the heartbeat up. That's one of those games where you actually have to be the contestant in order to get any fun out of it. Otherwise, it's about as fun as watching 'Green Acres' reruns.

And that ends my game show review.