Today's rambling: Problems with Frank
Written on February 18, 2002 at 8:04 p.m.
while feeling a bit

I was still in bed this afternoon when the phone rang. Since I hadn't yet hooked up a phone in my room, I had to throw the covers back and run out into the kitchen. Having forgotten to put on my glasses, I thrust my hand toward the phone cradle only to grab empty space; the cordless phone hadn't been put back after it was last used. I spent the remaining two rings (before voicemail picked up) squinting at the white, sunlit countertop to see if the phone was there. At that moment, I felt quite a bit like Velma from Scooby Doo.

But by the time I found the phone and hit "Talk", the voicemail had picked up. Caller ID said that it had been a "Wireless Caller", who I assumed was Charlie (Mom's friend). Therefore, unfamiliar with this new voicemail feature of ours, I decided not to call the number and check the message in case I accidentally erased it.

Of course, curiosity got the better of me after awhile and so I dialed the number anyway. An earlier call from today (the one I slept through, while dreaming that I HAD picked up the phone and was confused because it kept ringing) proved to be Charlie. The second was Frank. I had to listen to his message 3 or 4 times, unable to understand whether he was talking to me or Mom. In the end, I discovered he'd mumbled out "Amber", and the rest of the message went something like, "I just wanted to know why you told everyone about me and Sarah. I kind of trusted you..blah blah..not to go around telling everyone."

I didn't know what to think. What crack was this boy smoking, and how DARE he accuse me like that!

As I told him in the email I wrote (the only way I could keep myself composed--haha, forgive the pun), I don't trust people easily. I never really realized it until recently, but even when I feel close to people, I'm actually keeping myself very closed off. I guess that, subconsciously, it's the only way I feel I can protect myself. I've had too much experience with people pretending to be my friend but always insulting me for...well, for being human. For doing embarrassing things. And so for me to have opened up with him, to not be afraid to be myself, that meant a lot. And yet here he goes and gets angry without knowing the whole story, and I feel like maybe I shouldn't have trusted him so much at all!

But I'd like to know this: WHY should he feel the need to hide this potential relationship between himself and Sarah? Goodness knows that if I was in his position, and it was me and Geoff, I'd be so elated that I'd be telling everyone! LoL! As it is, I AM telling everyone! ;)

I digress, though. If he feels he needs to hide this, then maybe he should rethink things a bit. You should NEVER feel the need to hide any sort of relationship. If you do, then that's a warning sign that it's not a healthy relationship. And as Mom just pointed out to me, if he wanted it to stay hidden, then he shouldn't have gone around telling people, either! And he did! I said less than he did...and obviously HE has a right to tell people about his life, but don't go blaming ME for the whole store knowing!

Not to mention Cathy, Sarah's mother. Like any mom, she's told people about her daughter seeing someone.

Argh! WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH PEOPLE KNOWING THAT YOU AND SHE ARE GOING OUT? Or at least close to going out, but that's beside the point...

He never said to me "Don't let anyone know, okay?" like he usually does about stuff he doesn't want said. Thus, I was left to my own judgment as to whether or not to say anything to people. And I thought it was a harmless topic! As I said, were I in his shoes, I wouldn't care who knew!

It just makes me SO angry that he could accuse me like that. I thought he was my friend. Do friends--good friends--do this kind of stuff to each other often? It would've been one thing if he'd come up to me and said calmly, "Amber, I heard that you've been going around saying stuff about me and Sarah. Is it true?" I would've respected him for that, because it would show that he wasn't going to believe what everyone else said until he heard it from me. But his voice was actually WAVERING with emotion. Which only proves that he had believed what everyone was saying (and I don't know what that is, as I was off work today).

That angers me even more! Back when he and Bev were going through that whole mess, he kept ranting about how angry he was that she was believing everyone else instead of coming to him. Then later I saw him doing the exact same thing that he was accusing her of: condemning another person because of rumors he heard. I thought it was funny then, his hypocritical behavior. But now that it's been turned on me, it's not quite as amusing.

I halfway wanted him to call back again, so I could tell him to go flip off. And I hate confrontations. I avoid them completely whenever possible. But at that moment, I could have verbally ripped him apart, only feeling embarrassment and remorse long after the anger had subsided. However, I took a shower and thought about not only what I would say to him and how I'd do it, but also about whether I actually did these things that he accused me of.

The only people I talked to already knew about Frank and Sarah. That I know of, there wasn't anyone who I just walked up to and said, "Hey, didja know that Frank and Sarah might be dating soon?" Well, I teased about it with Geoff, but that's because I feel comfortable talking to Geoff. But I don't remember going up to anyone else!

So by the time I got out of the shower, I was still upset but calmer, more able to present my half of the story in a reasonable manner. I chose email over calling him back or waiting for him to call me, not just because confrontation scares me (ha ha) but because this way, I'd be able to give myself time to say everything the way I wanted to say it, to not feel rushed and skip over things (or say things that I'd regret later). I think the finished product came out rather nicely; my anger was expressed, but not in a "How dare you say things like that to me, you stupid ass!" sort of way. ;) Now I just wonder when he'll get it...I hope he has classes tomorrow, because that's the only place he can get to his email...

I know that eventually (possibly tomorrow), we're going to have to confront each other face-to-face. That's the only way to really settle things. But at least now when that confrontation occurs, I won't feel so desperate to spit out my feelings before he has a chance to cut me down. Now it's HIS turn to tell me what possessed him to call me up like that. It had better be good. I'm not going to put up with this BS very often, so he'd best get it out of his system now or stop talking to me altogether.

Heh...for the past half hour or more, Hannibal has been swimming in the current that the water makes as it cascades from the filter. The tank is filled up to the top, so you can't actually see or hear the water falling, but apparently it still creates an underwater current. And while at first I was wondering what on earth he was doing, I think now that he's actually enjoying it. Either that, or he's lost his mind and doesn't know WHAT he's doing. ;) Maybe he thinks he's actually getting somewhere..."Oh, look! I'm going upstream!" *coughs* Anyway...

Now I'm staying online purely through cowardice. Frank will no doubt try to call me tonight when he gets off of work (I think he was done at 8:30, so technically he should've tried to call by now), and I don't have the energy (nor do I particularly want) to talk to him and have to explain myself all over again. So I'm staying online to keep his call from going through. ^^; I wonder, though, if maybe he won't call at all. Maybe he's so angry with me now that he doesn't care about my side.

If that's the case, then I definitely don't need him. Darned high-strung men...

How odd; last night I was thinking to myself, "If I actually do call Geoff, what will I have to talk about?" Looks like I've been given a topic! I'm actually looking forward to calling him...I need someone's levelheaded advice! Actually, he'll probably end up making some kind of joke to get me laughing...which won't be bad either, of course! ;) I'm not going to call until later, though, so that I can be somewhat sure that he won't have a new shipment that's in the process of being put away, or anything like that. My original time was going to be 11, but I might just wait 'til 10:30 or 10:45...I can't remember exactly when the loads come in, which sucks! If they didn't come in 'til 11, that'd suck..but it seems more like they come in around 8 or 9, so I'm going to hope I'm right!

Anyway, I think that's it for me. I've totally exhausted this subject, after writing that email and talking it over with Lola and Jam!