Today's rambling: Life sucks, did you know that?
Written on February 03, 2002 at 11:00 p.m.
while feeling a bit

Computer's not going over 'til sometime this week. So I guess I have a few more days. Not too many, though, since we have to be out of the house by this Thursday--Friday at the latest.

The house looks so empty, even though there's still quite a bit of stuff here. But the pool outside is gone (leaving a very unattractive sand pit), the woodstove's gone downstairs in Mom's room (well, now the waterbed's gone too so neither of us have a place to sleep)...and of course both Blackie and Wickit are gone, leaving only Pierre (who I wasn't all that close to to begin with).

So yesterday was spent bawling at the slightest provocation. Of course, I had Melinda there trying to talk to me (when all I wanted to say was "Shut the hell up, can't you tell I don't WANT to talk?"), and then over at the apartment--where I'd HOPED to have some relief from people--Mom's oh-so-eccentric friend Charlie was there. So I started crying and had to hide out in my new empty room. And then what happens? Melinda comes in!!!!!! All I want is some frickin' privacy, and I've got people following me like idiots! It wasn't even like she was following in an attempt to say things like, "It's gonna be okay, Amber"...no, she was just prattling on about inane stuff like how the carpets were pretty and she wished she lived in an apartment like this...Finally I just said, "Then why don't you live here??"

I hadn't eaten at all that day, so sometime after 6-ish Mom drove over to Burger King, since I'd said I was hungry. When we got back to the house, we saw Uncle Rondal and David (Melinda's husband) loading Mom's white car onto a U-Haul trailer. She didn't want to take that car with us because she was afraid it'd be stolen or something. Anyway, Mom looked over at me and told me to go inside and eat, so finally I walked inside. Was planning on going straight to my room, but then I saw Pierre looking so forlorn, and I broke down again. Sat there slumped against the wall for a little bit, but then Melinda came up to use the phone so I retreated to my room...and continued crying. My food lay forgotten for quite some time, and then finally I just ate because I knew it was necessary.

Mom had to go back to the apartment to put the food back in the refrigerator (which had just been turned on when we went the first time), and so I went down to her bedroom to watch Sleeping Beauty. Got about midway through, I think, and finally I shut it off because I was getting tired. But then I read a little bit of The Druid of Shannara, and by the time I finally decided to go to sleep it was after 10. Didn't even feel like turning the lights off, so I dozed fitfully 'til after 1:30, when Mom came home (she'd fallen asleep at the apartment). Then, because she'd woken me up, I stayed awake 'til probably after 3 o'clock before sleeping again. Pierre bounded onto the bed at one point, landing square on my chest, and that of course woke me up (not to mention caused me a considerable amount of pain), so I stayed awake for a little while after that. At about 9:30 Mom woke me up, and that was the last I slept. Tried to doze off again, but it didn't work, so after she left the house I just read. Finished my book, and then finally decided to get up.

Put my glasses on, sat up, and foolishly glanced to the left, where the woodstove used to be. All the emptiness came rushing back, and I collapsed against the pillows again, crying (gee, that was hard to predict).

Don't remember what time it was when I finally dragged myself upstairs and got a shower, but Mom was ready to go out so we could get some things for the apartment. I was less than enthusiastic, but once I got out of the house I started to get better. Of course, then she had to go and say that we had to hurry up because Jim was disassembling the waterbed and she didn't want to make him do it all by himself, so I had to go back home. I told her that at that point, I was so desperate NOT to go back home, but too bad, we had to go anyway.

Stopped off at Kathy and Amy's house (which is right next door) so that we could give them a piece of mail which had been delivered to us by accident, and I guess Mom was in there telling Mrs. B. about how everything was all depressing and whatnot...'cause what should happen then but I see Amy come out to the car. She sat down in the driver's seat and joked that she was taking us for a ride, and basically we just started talking about a whole bunch of inane stuff. Then Kathy came out and we were all talking in the car for awhile, but then Mom and Mrs. B. came out and told us to get inside. So I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening with them...they even let me eat dinner with them, which was really nice. Beat sitting in this gloom pit thinking about how crappy my life is turning out to be.

I actually had fun; I was laughing and joking and cheering because THE PATRIOTS WON THE SUPER BOWL!!! And then even as I was walking home I was still feeling okay. But it's like as soon as I walk in that door, the black cloud finds its owner and I suddenly realize that things still suck.

Add to the already dampening spirits the fact that Mom felt the need to tell me about Wickit...The woman, Sue, called and left a message saying that Wickit had really taken to her daughter, and they love him, and what shots does he need, and blah frickin' blah. Sure, it's great that he's in a loving home as opposed to a shelter, but he's MY DOG!!!! Do I want to be reminded of the fact that he's mine only in memory? No. Do I want to be reminded that I'll never see him again unless I'm "visiting", which I sure as hell will not do? No. Here I was, worried that he'd think I'd abandoned him, and instead he's going to forget me and that tears me apart. And I'm so sick of people saying, "He's just a dog, he doesn't think you abandoned him," as if just because he's not a human he can't have the same range of emotion.

Anyway...went to Bed Bath & Beyond today, and they had those star sheets that Lola had in one of her recent-ish diary entries. They are not HALF as pretty in person as they are in that picture. In the picture, you can't really see the blue and pink stars but in person, they show up and make what could have been some very cute sheets turn into something very juvenile. Even the wall border, which had looked cool on the webpage, was tacky. So I'm glad I wasn't impulsive enough to buy the sheets offline before seeing them in the store.

Instead of buying that great big $99 canopy that I'd bragged about before, I got the Siam canopy instead (the round frame with the netting draped off of it). The canopy I'd originally wanted wouldn't have worked with the way my bed was set up...Charlie took out the closet doors, and so my bed is set up so that it looks as if it's been put in an alcove. It's alright, but the canopy would've looked stupid ducking underneath the closet like that. So I think the Siam one will look cool.

Of course, with a different sort of canopy, one that looks more exotic than the first, I started getting different room ideas. And now I wish I could do something more Asian-ish. Not heavily so, but I imagine ivory-based sheets and comforters, darker colors, and a rock fountain, hehe...Oh yeah, and candles! But I already bought those prints, and they're not very exotic-like. So maybe I'll just try to come to a sort of happy medium. At this point, I halfway don't even care, though strangely enough, it's the one thing keeping me from going completely crazy.

Tomorrow, Mom's schedule is 7:30 to 4, so yay, that WOULD usually mean that I'd have to get up at 5:30 instead of 6. But screw them, they KNEW from the very start that Mom's availability isn't that early, and I'll be darned if I'm going to start waking up earlier. She was saying that I'd better not make her late, but there've been a couple instances recently where she's made ME late...of course, I usually ALWAYS make her late, so who knows. But...ugh, I just don't need this. Any of it.

I'm going to go now. I needed to get my agressions and aggravations out somewhere, and even though this isn't even the START of everything I'm feeling, since I know other people read it I'm hesitant to say anything further.