Today's rambling: Bye-bye home....
Written on October 15, 2001 at 1:03 a.m.
while feeling a bit

*slumps*

Well, not to sound melodramatic, but...it's all over. With the house, that is.

Got a letter back from the financial aid people (or whatever they're called), and they told us they'd turned us down. So, yeah, I can't really claim the house as mine anymore, 'cause it's not.

And you know whose fault it is? Literally?

My wonderful father's.

Technically, it was his fault from the very beginning, since he decided to ditch us for La Whore, but here's what I meant when I said the turn-down was his fault. Mom and I would have gotten the aid had it not been for the second mortgage....which he got so he could pay for his little tramp. Mom's been trying to get him to pay for it for months now, and he keeps saying no because he "doesn't have the money". Go figure, you ass...you keep spending it on HER! And now thanks to him, the house is going, and God only knows where I'll be living this time next year.

Here's something ironic...wasn't it just a couple of entries ago that I was saying how I wish we hadn't gotten this new puppy, 'cause what if we couldn't keep the house? *meaningful glance* There you have it. I sometimes wonder if I don't have some psychic ability after all.

Mom keeps saying "we're going to make it," and "we're going to be okay," and it kind of irritates me. She's found her strength through having to do all of this, but I feel like I've just been getting weaker. I've never had a very strong will, and I feel like this is just weighing down on me and I'm starting to crumble. No, I don't feel like I'm okay, and I don't know if I'll make it. That sounds melodramatic, too...I guess it's just that I'm tired. I'm just so bad at dealing with stress, and this is quite a bit of stress! Mom tried telling me that she thinks I'm strong..."Look what we've gotten through!"

"You've gotten through," I corrected. "I've just sat back and cried."

And that's about the extent of it. I don't know if I've done anything, since this whole mess has started, that could be considered showing strength. The tiniest thing happens, and I just fall apart.

*sighs and slumps again*

Okay, okay, this obviously isn't a very upbeat entry! Sorry, all (though by this point, everyone's probably gone since I don't update this thing very often anymore)! I think Jam was right when she said that when she's not online all the time, online things just don't seem as excrutiatingly important as they used to...I mean, I still care about my friends, of course, but I used to sign on and do all this different stuff, and now I just get online, look at my emails, talk to a couple of people, and sign off. Used to be on here for hours at a time, and now it's a rare night when I'm on for more than one or two hours! If I'm on longer, it's only because I've gotten into a really good discussion with a friend.

But I no longer sign on thinking, "Oh, I wonder what's happened on this message board since the last time I went there!" and all of that. It just doesn't matter as much to me anymore. I've even started writing in my real diary again as opposed to this one, though I still write in this one more frequently (as it's quicker for me to type my thoughts than to take out my pen and try to scribble as fast as my mind goes). I guess my real diary is more for the personal stuff that I don't feel comfortable sharing here!

Anyway, I think I'm going to go for the evening. I'm tired (though Stef and I are working on ideas for a Labyrinth humor fic, so I can't go to bed just yet), and I've pretty much talked about everything that's been on my mind today. Other than the fact that I'm getting screwed (ooo) for hours now that Deb's back....they'd BETTER not think they can put me in deli...I know that's what Fat Joe's been thinking he's going to do, but too bad!

*wanders off, still grumbling*