Today's rambling: Ah, nostalgia! *wistful sigh*
Written on September 16, 2001 at 1:10 a.m.
while feeling a bit

I'm still shaking after writing a rather angry letter at someone who apparently thought her opinions were more valid than anyone else's (to the point where she attacked me for even using her as an example...AFTER I told her I wasn't attacking her!)! So to her, I thumb my nose. Dumb biznatch...What, does the world revolve around you??

ANYway, that didn't help, after IE shut off this window (after I'd written so much)! I really SHOULD start writing my entries in Notepad. It would save me all this grief, even if it doesn't happen too often! But let's see if I can remember the gist of what I'd written.

I took out my real diary last night because I'd wanted to write some things that I just didn't feel comfortable posting here. However, I started reading older entries, and by the time I was finished, I couldn't stop thinking about what had been in them!

So there was this guy. ;) His name was Matt, and I used to work with him before going to Genuardi's. From the time I started there (back in the summer of 1998), I'd had this HUGE crush on him! It wasn't that he was exactly 'good-looking' (in society's sense of the word), but he was still so cute! He had this grin that just lit up his face, and he was SO funny! Oh my god, he used to make me laugh so much when I talked to him! And his voice...oh my, that voice was just so NICE! It was this baritone-ish sort of voice, lower than most guys', but not like Barry White deep, you know? *giggles* Just niiiiiiiiice. Every time I heard him talk over the intercom, I was just like, "sigh!"

Hehe, there WAS one point where I couldn't stand him...it was when he was the front end manager (the person who oversees the cashiers and stuff), and I was a cashier. He kept ordering us around while he stood around and talked (and flirted), and so naturally I was getting really irritated with him. Well one night, he went too far, and I just got really angry at him. I was tossing things around and slamming them down on my register, and he'd walked down to the register next to mine. "You must be mad, you're throwing things around," he remarked, trying to be funny.

"I'm not going to talk about it, because if I do, I'll just go on a tangent, and I really don't want to do that," I replied. A small pause.

"You don't like me, do you?" I just responded with an exaggerated shrug.

I don't remember EXACTLY how that part went, but the part I remember most was that there was this long pause after that (I thought he was going to go away), and then all of a sudden he goes, "Was it something I did?" all anxious-like, as if the thought of me not liking him really bothered him! I felt bad for him and ended up making up again a few days later, and before I quit the second time, we joked about that, but yeah. ;)

So after I'd come back the second time (kinda like what happened with Genuardi's), I was in the bakery, so I could take breaks whenever I wanted ('cause there was no one back there to tell me if I could or couldn't)...at first, Matt and I would just say hi to each other or whatever, but we didn't really talk that much. I was depressed, 'cause we'd been fairly good friends before I'd left! But as time passed, we were talking to each other more, and he actually started inviting me on his breaks each night! I still don't know if it was because he liked me (as a friend) or if it was because I was the only person available to talk. ;) Either way, I was happy! Once, I kinda saw him walk by the bakery, but I was hiding out in this little alcove, so I only saw a reflection in the oven door and therefore didn't really know who it was. So later he sees me, and he's like, "Break time!" (a phrase I'd come to be VERY familiar with later on.) I was like, "huh?" so I ran to the back of the bakery and peeked out as he was coming around. "Did you mean it's break time for me or you?" I asked. I couldn't hear what he said, but as he opened the door to the break room (obviously expecting me to follow), he said something like, "You didn't tell me you were coming up here earlier...if you had, I would have gone up, too!"

Hehe, so that was the beginning! After that, whenever he went on break, he'd point to the doors and exclaim, "Break time!" I feel like telling all my little stories, so you have to either bear with me or get disgusted and leave! ;) Anyway, he was working in frozen food one day, and he came by to say hello to me. Just pressed his face up against the plastic windows in the door at the back of the bakery, banged on them, and when I looked over, he waved at me! "Just wanted to say hi," he told me. "Didn't know if you knew I was working." (Yeah, as if I WOULDN'T know!) THEN he goes, "I'm goin' on break in about an hour..I'll come by and get you." Woo HA! Little stuff like that just makes my day! And the one time I happened to be out of the department when he went on break, I was coming back just in time to see him going...he walked by the bakery, obviously looking for me, so I ran up after him, and he was like, "Oh, there you are!"

The only OTHER really standout-ish thing that I can remember is when I was talking to another coworker (a girl this time, hehe), and he came back with a return item. "It's not damaged or anything, but I wanted to take it back before it DID get damaged." Which sounded like an excuse I'd make if I wanted to talk to someone but was too nervous to admit to WANTING to talk to them...but then I think he just came back because he was hoping there'd be bakery samples out (as he even admitted he'd hoped there would be something out). Heh! I had my happy delusion for...5 minutes, at least!

Oh yeah..and he remembered my birthday. LoL!

So yeah, those were good times. :) Is it any wonder, then, that I was rather depressed at not being able to see him anymore? We always talked and stuff at work, but I never saw him outside our job. So that always made me wonder if I really was a friend, or if I was just someone to talk to while he was bored at work. I still wonder that now, and I know it's pathetic, but how am I supposed to know if he considered me a friend or not? Guys are alien beings to me! And he already had a girlfriend (who he mentioned occasionally), so I know he wasn't INTERESTED interested in me. I wouldn't have complained if he WAS, of course (ha ha!), but friendship was fine with me.

Hey, guys out there! Would someone like to clue me in on what you think his thoughts were? Was I a friend, or just a boredom reliever? *giggles* That sounds...odd...

At any rate, what I was getting at before my trip down Memory Lane! I was rereading all that, and it just made me realize (again) how much I miss him! I mean, not as a crush or anything (though I still get all sappy when I think of his grin), but as a friend! Ironically enough, just the other day I'd been telling Mom that I hoped when/if the store he works at shuts down, Matt would come work at Genuardi's! And now all this....

Well tonight, I happened to be looking at his fraternity's webpage, and saw that they revamped it. It's scary as hell, by the way, though they're guys, so it's not like they'd have frilly pink flowers or something. Anyway, under the list of brothers, they had Matt's name...AND an email address! And his address was from AOL, which is what I'm using! So of course I got all excited, and a part of me just wanted to email him and be like, "Hey, how's it goin'?"

But I quit about a year ago (a little over a year, actually). And I've hardly seen him since. Mum said he used to ask about me after I'd quit, but I mean still...a year! Would he think I was being a stalker or something, writing to him when he'd never even given me his email address? I still wanted to write him, though, so I kept agonizing over it...and of course, as my friends were online, I asked all of them. ;)

Their answers were all 'yes', of course...basically just telling me to be casual about it (as if I'd be all over him or something, LoL!). And it made me feel more confident about it, but Mum knew him too, so I had to ask her! She was REALLY enthusiastic about it, saying that he'd really like to hear from me and this and that...and I told her what my fears were, and she got this disgusted face and was like, "No, of course not! I hate it when you do that!" (not being mean, by the way, hehe...'cause that's how it sounded when I wrote it!) It still ended up taking me 'til just a little while ago to actually do it, though! I had Jam 'holding my hand' (figuratively speaking, of course, since we're on the Internet!), and Laura cheering me on and 'waving pom-poms'...hehehe! But I did it! And now I'm SOOO nervous that he'll either delete the message without reading it, or never reply!

If he deleted it, I could make the excuse that maybe he just wasn't thinking, figured it was spam or something, and tossed it in the Internet garbage. But if he read it and never even replied with a simple 'hi' (though if that's all he said, I'd be insulted, hehe)....aww, I'd feel SOOO dumb for having written him in the first place! As it is, I don't even know if he gets online that much! I hope that if he DOES write back, he does it soon, because I'm going to be AGONIZING over this until then!!!!

That's it, though. I know this was off subject from what I've been talking about, and it's not that I HAVEN'T been thinking about it, but for the time being, I've exhausted the subject! :oP