Today's rambling: A day of grieving
Written on September 11, 2001 at 7:31 p.m.
while feeling a bit

I am absolutely sickened and heartbroken, and if you're up on current events, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Got up for work this morning at 6 am with my usual thoughts of "Ohhh, I don't wanna GO!" and "I'll bet today is just gonna suck", and when I left at 7:30, I still had no idea about what was going to happen just a little over an hour later. Well of course not; I'm not psychic. But still, you know how sometimes you can just feel when bad things are going to happen? None of that.

So there I was, grumbling about Norm because he seems to have a 'No Work' policy, grumbling about the new kid because he's a frickin' weirdo...and later on, I realized just how trivial all that is. Zenon was the one who told us about the World Trade Centers. Of course, I was shocked, but just HEARING it didn't really make as much of an impact, you know? I mean, I knew it was serious, had already started asking why, but it just wasn't as devastating as seeing it.

Sometime around 12 (probably a little after), I went into the break room and saw that a TV was showing the news. They were talking about all the attacks (by that time, the Pentagon had been hit, too), and then they put up a shot of NYC, and the smoke where once the Twin Towers stood. And I lost it. I just hurried out of the room and broke into tears. To see it, and not just the buildings, but to imagine all of the people--INNOCENT people--that were killed just because some morons wanted to achieve a selfish, worthless goal...It's devastating.

This is coming from the girl who's talked about how much she can't stand humans in general. But no matter my feelings, no one deserves what happened to those poor people today...except perhaps the dumb bastards who orchestrated the whole thing in the first place. No punishment is bad enough to make up for what has happened, but if the cowards are found, I would like nothing less than to viciously torture them. And it's not like that'd bring back the people who were murdered, but damn it would feel good.

And then I found out when I got home that people in Palestine were dancing and celebrating. You goddamn fuckers, if I had control of the army, your country would cease to exist. You are a waste of land, a waste of oxygen, a general waste of life. Everyone knows you care about no one but yourselves, but this isn't about America...this is about LOST LIFE. Do you know what that means, you callous bastards? Shit like this brings out the violent side of me. I'd like to kill their family members in front of their eyes, just to let them know the sort of pain people over here are going through. It's just a damn good thing I'm not in charge of this country, because foreign policy would take a drastic change. You wanna tango with us? I'd toast your asses. Palestine would be renamed 'No Man's Land'.

It's not like this anger is solving anything, but who WOULDN'T be pissed off at such a heartless display? I imagine that all but the most apathetic of Americans are grieving at this point, even if they don't know anyone who died. And while we're grieving and shaking our fists at the heavens and asking WHY, you've got assholes like that carousing and generally having a good time? Demons in their truest form.

When I got home, I found the phone number Dad gave me awhile ago and attempted to call him, but all I got was his voicemail. I doubt he'll understand a word I said, because I was sobbing uncontrollably, but with any luck he at least heard the "Dad, it's Amber" part and will somehow try to get in touch with me. Dear god, please don't let him have been anywhere near all that happened today. I'd never be able to live with myself if I found out he'd been killed without us never getting to repair the damage this whole divorce thing has caused.

In better news, when I came online I had several messages waiting for me! Laura and Stefanie (the girl I met on FF.N) both emailed me asking if I was okay, and then Emma had left me a message on ICQ letting me know that she was thinking about me. It just meant SO much to me that they were thinking about me! And that's not to say that none of my other friends were, but after a draining day like today, I really needed their caring words!

People on the news are saying that they hope President Bush asks Congress to declare war. I have conflicting thoughts about this. On the one hand, I have to wonder incredulously, "How can we declare war when we don't even know our enemy?" (though hell, I'd be happy enough to bomb the hell out of Palestine) And a part of me wants to declare war, if for nothing else than to just let these people know that we're not the pansy-ass nation that they seem to think we are. In many ways, I'll grant that we are a little too lenient when it comes to criminals. And it's aggravating, especially when you'd like to beat the hell out of the murdering scum currently wasting space in America's prisons, but at the same time, it just shows that we're better than those people who kill all their criminals. Unfortunately, compassion isn't what we need at a time like this...at least, not when it comes to the people who planned this tragedy.

If Bush does declare war, though, it'll scare the hell out of me. War! In our own country! I have this feeling that all the other countries will decide they don't want to be in on the fighting, however. I won't get into that, since I have friends from all over the world, but everyone seems to dislike the US, and so I figure they'll forget the fact that we'd help them in a similar situation, and be like, "Hey, this is your own problem." That would SERIOUSLY piss me off. But hopefully, with the fact that the World Trade Center was--duh--a place where all the world's finances came together, we'd get some help. I can only hope so. I wanna crush these murdering bastards but good.

In the meantime, I have a candle lit here next to my computer...one flame for all the thousands of lives that were lost. It's the best I can do, and even though I don't consider myself an overly religious person, I'll be praying for everyone tonight.