Today's rambling: Going down! (not like that, you pervert)
Written on August 22, 2001 at 12:56 a.m.
while feeling a bit

A girl that I used to be best friends with is turning 18 today. She lives pretty much next door to me, but I haven't talked to her in months...haven't really seen her in years! I get kinda sad sometimes when I think about it, because at one point we were so close we might as well have been sisters. But then I moved for a year, and when I came back she'd gotten a new life and apparently didn't have any room for me in it, so...

Tiff's going back to college on Saturday, so I'll be returning to my lifeless self in no time! And with the added bonus of getting to work at the Supermarket from Hell, I should be ready to drown myself in...oh, say a week or so.

KIDDING! Yeesh...stop looking at me like that!

Seriously, though, things just seem to be getting better and better all the time. Why is it that just when things are leveling off--not necessarily getting better, but getting tolerable--I get hit by all sorts of bad stuff? No foreseeable end to this job, bills piling up over my head, and just tonight I found out that Dad refuses to pay the second mortgage on the house, so Mom says we're just going to let it foreclose.

I've reached the end of my rope, and sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to let go than to waste all this effort of hanging on. No, I'm not actually thinking of ending my life or something ridiculous like that, but I really just can't take it anymore. And no one UNDERSTANDS! I'm sick to death of people saying 'aww' and 'hehe' and generally acting as if I'm just saying stuff for the hell of it. I need to talk to someone, and so at this point I'm just talking to whoever's around, but I'm fed up with all those inane responses! Shrink, anyone?

So yeah, obviously I'm not in the best of moods this evening! I ought to be in bed so I can wake up bright and early for Hell tomorrow. Mom suggested I sell this computer so then I wouldn't have to work anymore. Riiiiiiiiiight. The Internet, in its own twisted way, is the only thing keeping me completely sane at this point. If my old Astro p.o.s. was still under warranty, I'd get it fixed up and sell that one, but I'll be damned if I'm going to sell this computer.

Her other alternatives were a)Living with Dad, and b)Getting grants or whatever and going to college.

Dad couldn't even be bothered to shell out a few bucks to come see me for a day, nor did he offer to let me come up and visit him. Therefore, I think it'll be a cold day in hell before I ever went to live with him. Besides that, I'm not some coward who jumps ship when she sees it's sinking. Maybe I love to torture myself by letting all the pressure get to me, but I'm not leaving.

So that would leave me with Plan B. If we can't afford to keep the house, how would we be able to afford college? First off, I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to go to college. You have to take all those stupid mandatory courses like maths and sciences and whatnot, but what if I wanted to be...an English major? The sort of math they teach you on that level is all a bunch of bullshit anyway...like I really need to know all those fancy ways of putting numbers together! I've got all the basics, and unless I'm planning on being a rocket scientist, I will not be needing to know quadrangles and hypotenuses and all of those other things. And the only science I'm interested in is Psychology.

I don't know. I wish I could just screeeeeaaaaaaaaam at the top of my lungs for as long as my breath held out, and then start all over again until my throat was raw. I'm so damn FRUSTRATED!!!! And I don't need sympathetic 'awws', I need help. But I can't even afford that, since psychiatrists demand firstborn children in return for doing nothing more than sitting there and listening, and then giving out advice. Hell, if I wasn't so screwed up right now, I could do that myself, and I'd do it for free! But they've got the magic of prescription-writing, so I guess that's worth the $200+ an hour they charge you.

Hehehe! How ironic...playing on my computer right now is Queen's "Don't Try Suicide"...no, boys, I wasn't going to, but thank you for reaffirming my thoughts anyway! I just love the lyrics to this song--they're so blunt and unsympathetic at times (especially the chorus), it's funny! I think I'll copy down a few of them, just because I can. And after that, I'm leaving, so ta ta!