Today's rambling: Keep the lights on
Written on September 12, 2001 at 5:00 p.m.
while feeling a bit

*smiles* Well, I had an email from Dad waiting for me when I signed on today. Had to wade through over 200 PetBunny emails to find it, but he's safe and okay. I guess I had kind of a delayed reaction, because it took me a couple of minutes before I just kinda went weak and weepy with relief. I mean, he doesn't really fly out to the West Coast all that often, but you never know. And as the night had progressed, and he still hadn't responded, I just got more and more afraid. But he's fine.

I replied to his email, and since he was still at work, he wrote back. At that point, I realized "I should call him." So without my usual trepidation about phones, I dialed the number and called him. My greeting was a simple "Hi, Dad." He was definitely surprised to hear from me, but we had a nice (well, nice considering the circumstances) conversation. I was afraid that I was going to start crying, as I had yesterday, but strangely enough I kept myself composed! He said he cried when he heard my message...and my dad doesn't cry all that often, so it was kind of shocking!

Anyway, that was just really nice. I'm still really upset over what has happened, but at least I know that my immediate family is okay.

Last night, I didn't get to sleep until well after 3 am, even though I was so tired that my eyes were burning. I just couldn't turn the TV off, because that would make the entire house silent and I couldn't deal with that. Most of the lights on the upper floor were left on (including the light in my room) because I couldn't bring myself to be calm in the darkness. I haven't been this unsettled in years...I mean, there are times when I'm completely alone in the house, and I'll leave one or two lights on, but I've never been so scared of silence before. And even as I sat in my room and wrote on various stories, I would hear odd noises (even that strange thunk/spluttering in my room) and become immediately paranoid.

Mum came in my room this morning and must've tried calling my name softly, but got no response, because she all of a sudden exclaimed "Hey, Amber!" I jumped up immediately, more than a little startled, and she was all like, "Why did you leave everything on all night?" I was too tired to explain it, so I just sort of shrugged it off and went back to sleep.

I'm okay now that it's daylight, but I'm afraid that once darkness sets in, I'm going to get all scared again. And there's really not much of a reason for me to be so freaked out, but I've always been the sort to fear for my safety...when I was little, there was a fairly long period where I absolutely HAD to go to sleep before my parents turned their bedroom light off, because if their light went out and I was still awake, I suddenly felt like I was all alone and someone was going to come kidnap me. I even woke up in the middle of the night once, convinced that someone was picking me up to take me away. No idea why I've always had such irrational fears, but it certainly isn't very fun! :oP I can't stay up so late tonight, though, because I have to go to work tomorrow.

Ugh. That means I'll pretty much have to go back to normal. Which I need to do, because I can't keep dwelling on this, but I feel like I won't be able to settle down until the government finds these sick people and punishes them! And rethinks their security and foreign policy stuff. I know this is sounding prejudiced, but apparently it's been figured out that Bin Laden was behind all this, and so all of his little lackies were Pakistani (or whatever nationality they were) as well. Those sorts of people are so dangerous, not because of what race they are, but because their lives mean nothing to them. They can do things like what those hijackers did yesterday because in their own sick and twisted beliefs, killing themselves for a 'greater cause' is a good thing.

Why wasn't Bin Laden arrested or executed when he was caught back in 1993, anyway? He tried to blow up the WTC then, and because he was caught, we figured "Hey, he's not stupid enough to try it again"? Yeah, like he really felt remorse for what he tried to do. Letting him go was our first mistake. Not to say that this couldn't have happened if Bin Laden (however his name is spelled) was out of the picture, but I certainly think it would have helped.

Well, at least we're alerted now. "The American people need to know we're facing a different enemy," President Bush said (as I just heard on the news). You're not reassuring me here, Bush dear. I think we already know this is a different sort of enemy.

I feel bad for poor Peter Jennings. He's been covering this most of the day yesterday, and he was going at it this afternoon when I turned the TV on. I'm sure he must've slept a bit in between times, but he couldn't have had TOO much sleep! Strangely enough, though, he's always been a comforting presence on the news (for me). I don't know why, I just like hearing his voice and stuff. But I really wish that the stations would go back to normal and start playing their regular programs. How are we all supposed to go back to normal if we can't even watch TV without seeing the plane crashes over and over again? At this point, I'd even like to watch those cheesy soap operas! At least then, I'd kind of feel like things are better.

Who knows what's going to happen. I think I need to stop talking about it right now.